Being a people pleaser / doormat. Has anyone been able to stop? How do you do it?

[Teasel]

So my confidence / self esteem or something like that - when it comes to dealing with people IRL is very low I think.

I should think better of myself I expect but knowing that doesn't make it happen just like that.

Have been slowly dropped by most people I know I think. And it hurts.

Want to get a better understanding of what it's all about and how I go about improving the situation?

Please be kind, is a very sore subject for me.
Thanks

 

[RubyBlue]

Fake it till you make it. Seriously, pretend you are a stranger to yourself or an acquaintance of some sort. How do you treat strangers around you? Are you generally kind and would give them the advice to stand up for themselves against people clearly taking advantage? Pretend you are that stranger until it becomes more natural.

 

[Rani G2]

Dear @Teasel

self-assuredness doesn’t come easy to me, I feel insecure and delicate in human relationships. I fear humans that might reject me or their putative (Which is mostly the case) Judgement. In order to feel powerful I keep others at distance and fear that I might come off as too nice and weak. I have a tendency to be slightly feisty and confrontational, unfortunately this always comes with a massive wave of grief I have to deal with afterwards. It’s just a different strategy but I know deep down there is a deep attachment wound which is always being activated. in my case I fear that I have to submit in order to make that person likes me..

When the fragile, hurt parts in me (the child that experienced trauma) Is being seen through me and realizes that today life is different, I am capable of taking care of me, that the enemy is long gone then the truly felt self value isn’t depending on how others interact with me.. easily said than done, and I am still learning and falling back into old patterns, again and again..

Sending support and I do relate teasel :)

 

[Teasel]

Sending support back @Rani G feel for you too. Can relate to the grief over the issue for sure :hug:

 

[Ronin]

First off... I don't think being a people pleaser and being a doormat is the same thing...

Nor that being a doormat is bad.

I mean, those labels?
We call that just being nice, polite, and a caring person, where I'm from. ;)

Not something you need to change. Anyone giving you shit can, Luckilee has awesome words for it, hit the bricks.

***

Longer answer, as it's something you want changed, yourself...

@Annalyn78' advice works damned well, I've found.

Winning personal Fight Clubs and all - who people know, and who you were till that point, can be someone different, just at the choice.

Think of all the people you admire, that ever gave you strength, whose attitude or approach to life uplifted you, and pick something of those pieces and try it out. And then again. And again.

Until it's not rolemodels and parts of you, but the kind of you that is the same rolemodel to others.

Or heck, if not rolemodel, as that may be both too subjective and too much to ask, someone who does things they want to be doing, and didn't think they'd have it in them to.

And?
Some times the people that walk don't deserve the badass you already are in their life.

Because you are too good for people like them. Don't change a damn thing.

 

[shimmerz]

Self Care. From my own personal experience, I have recognized that being very good at self care disallows pathological people pleasing. By pathological, I mean taking care of others before ourselves.

I am still a good and kind person, I just don't ignore my own needs anymore. They come first. The people around me, if they need/want something, just have to wait - perhaps forever for the level of care I used to dole out.

And honestly, it isn't a battle. I take care of me first and there is no burning need in me to make sure everyone else around me is happy. I care, but not enough to wander around tending to everyone.

 

[RubyBlue]

Another point I forgot earlier that builds on what Shimmerz just said: the oxygen mask analogy.

You can’t be any use to anyone if you don’t have your own oxygen to work from first. You can’t save that baby next to you unless you’ve got your mask on literally giving you the strength to help others. You can’t pour from an empty cup is another great analogy for this.

 

[Changing4Best]

I remember saying "No." In the mirror for awhile there, until I got comfortable with saying it. Also, "No thank you." I sometimes use that last with extra pushy people.

 

[RVA21]

I agree with @Ronin. If they left, then they never really deserved to be in your life in the first place. I was a people pleaser until my early twenties. It was only when I met a good person who taught me how to be more assertive that things got better. There is such a thing as being too nice. It tends to get us less (or no) respect. It's about finding a good balance of kindness and assertiveness, in my opinion. I was actually thinking about this today, someone who I was hoping to meet with again back in January but who never got back in touch with me, came into my mind. I thought about that person and thought, well, it is their loss. It's the same for you @Teasel - if someone drops you, it is their loss, not yours.