Being Chronically Avoidant Of Emotional Closeness Means...

[Anarchy]

For maybe the first time in my life, I don't feel like to need to anxiously explain and defend my boundary...

<Multi like>

 

[Mallaky]

@Justmehere I would suggest you try to not argue. I know these kind of people, and when I read you wrote "I can't recall when you ever asked how my day was." I thought "Oh, no!"
People with a lack of boundaries, like the individual at hand, perceive discussion as invitation and from his point of view you expressed interest. I am very sure he now thinks that you were very interested, if only he were more friendly, hence his efforts to convince you of his friendly intentions. This can really blow up in your face. Before you know it he might accuse you of leading him on and all that bullshit. You have to determine if he can really understand any other language than a total cut off.

 

[Justmehere]

I am someone who tends to follow up a major step forward with a big fail, and today was no exception. I messaged that "I am ok" and a second one to say "please give me space and stop messaging me any further until I contact you" and before I could even finish typing... he started to engage. I was having a stressful moment with other things, and my cup overflowed. I took the bait. I argued. Not about the question. He wrote he wasn't pushing. He needs to talk.... I said "right, I can't not meet that need. You are pushing right now please stop messaging me to ask for communication." He didn't stop but tried to defend everything he has done and all his efforts and desire to help me and back to the nonsense about the real issue bothering me. He said he was sorry for misreading into things and he's ready to talk about what happened, "please talk to me. I'm safe to open up to. I won't judge. I do accept you just as you are..." and so on...

I let him go on, while I took a deep breath... but I still fell apart.

:(

 

[EveHarrington]

Is this Facebook friendship with some guy you knew many moons ago really worth it?

What's stopping you from saying this guy isn't a good person to have as a friend and simply blocking him?

Continued engagement seems to only serve to upset you more.

He flat out refuses to respect your boundaries.

And he seems to want to fix you.

This is TOTAL nice guy syndrome. They force their niceness on other people and then they point out the fact that they're such a great guy who only cares about you and wants the best for you. The problem is that it's all a farce. It's niceness with the expectation to get something in return-----pure manipulation. A genuine good/nice guy would back off as he'd care about not hurting you; he'd respect your personal wishes.

"But can't you see I'm doing all of this for you?!?!?"

Only it's all unwanted.

 

[scout86]

Another thing this sounds like, to me, is a version of the classic post we get here from someone who's just fallen "madly in love" with someone who has PTSD and has just managed, accidentally, to scare that person into the middle of next week. (Or maybe last week? LOL) You're reacting like you feel the need to react. He's doing what seems "normal" to him, and no one is on the same page.

I have no idea what his deal is, but do what you can to resist the impulse to panic. This is NOT "your fault". Could be it's not his "fault" either. You don't owe him anything. An explanation or anything else. "No" is a fairly simple word. He may not like it, he may not think you could possibly really mean it, but I think anyone who's good relationship material ought to know how to take it for an answer.

Right about now, I think my own response to him would be something like "What part of the word 'NO' do you find so difficult to understand?" Mostly because I kind of like that line.

You're doing ok @Justmehere . You're learning how to do something here. No real reason to expect perfection right off. Think of this as "practice" or an experiment. You learn from things you think of as mistakes too. It's just part of the process.

 

[Mytime]

JMH.... Run my friend, run. He's not listening to you. If he's a true friend he'll respect your needs. He's only thinking of his. He's not good enough for you. Put your energy where it belongs, on you.

 

[Anarchy]

I let him go on, while I took a deep breath... but I still fell apart.

:(

<dislike> what this is doing to you

Another thing this sounds like, to me, is a version of the classic post we get here from someone who's just fallen "madly in love" with someone who has PTSD and has just managed, accidentally, to scare that person into the middle of next week. (Or maybe last week? LOL)

it does to me as well :wtf:

No real reason to expect perfection right off. Think of this as "practice" or an experiment. You learn from things you think of as mistakes too. It's just part of the process.

That needs hanging on the wall with a frame around it.

And he seems to want to fix you.

It does come across as a seriously dodgy rescue attempt - well spotted.

 

[Justmehere]

Well, this mess escalated quickly...

I had the argument with him, and he made an agreement to stop contacting me unless I contact him first and tell him it's ok to communicate again. It was a written agreement.

Then I talked to my therapist about it, because I was so upset with how I handled it. I wasn't so upset with him anymore, just really discouraged about myself. She said I actually handled it ok, and much better than in the past... She was happy for the bigger changes happening. I am still bothered by how upset and angry I got back at him.

Then less than 12 hours after the agreement to stop contacting me, he contacted me. Of course he did. He was wishing me a good day. I was super busy with other things, so I couldn't respond to tell him to stop, and I had already said that anyhow. I ignored it until I got a flurry of 20+ messages that he sent - things like photos of his truck, the woods, messages to tell me he hopes I had a good day at an event I was at... and he said "no response needed, I respect your desire to not communicate." What?!

He contacted me through various means.

I sent him a message: "Please immediately stop sending me ANY messages and do not contact me again in ANY form whatsoever." As I was typing, "If you contact me again, I will contact law enforcement...."

He messaged me again to tell me I was being crazy. He was simply wishing me a good day.

So I told him, I would contact the police because he is harassing me and I will not tolerate this in my life. Stop all contact now. Leave me alone.

He messaged again. Called me crazy and out of control and so on, while also promising to never contact me again.

I was already on the phone with law enforcement asking what my options were - it is complicated because he is about 60 miles away but in another state.

Apparently.... The police know him well. If he messages me again, all I have to do now is forward it to police and he will go to jail for a probation violation, and he will face a possible penalty of having to serve a waived prison sentence for an offense against someone else. This was his third day of probation and it appears they may revoke his probation anyhow.

So. That got messy really fast....

I don't know how I feel about all of it. I spoke to a victim advocate about how to be safe from his escalating behavior and they had good advice....

But I'm still super spooked and I'm a little confused. I was involved with a huge business related event all day and had to deal with this on and off throughout the day, and literally was talking to PD while my dog was being used for the filming of a commercial and then participating in workshops and development meetings... it was a huge day for me and he knew it and apparently tried to wish me well? Maybe his intent was good - except that he refused to accept no for an answer and refused to just leave me alone.

What a creep.

Police say they will watch him and keep and extra eye on him. I get the impression they would relish being able to arrest him again and that's confusing...

What a mess. :(

 

[scout86]

Better you found all that out sooner, rather than later, huh? I'm glad the police are taking this seriously. I hope he gives them the chance to act on their wishes (without showing up on your doorstep, of course.) The world is full of crazy people. I'm glad you sorted this one out of the pack before he wormed his way into your life. (You did good. Really!)
:hug:

 

[Mallaky]

None of this is your fault. You are the victim of a creep and felon, and it seems you handled it admirably. Your therapist wouldn't lie about that. I suggest you treat yourself for a job well done! :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

I have a feeling that these creepers think they're doing nothing wrong because they're actions are "nice" and they're not doing stereotypical abusive things like physically or sexually abusing you, nor is the verbal/emotional "abuse" typical because it's not exactly "mean".

And now you know that his ex wife has a restraining order against him. Three days into the restraining order; three days into an official divorce. Coincidence? I think not. Both were probably levied by the same judge at the same time.

I'm concerned that you're bothered at how angry and upset you got at this guy? Why? Were you taught that anger is bad? This guy seriously violated your boundaries. I think whatever level of anger you had was justified.

If the cops are relishing in being able to arrest him again, I have a feeling he got off easy for a past offense. Maybe the last person he victimized has ties to cops (brother/father/etc) or is a cop herself. It would explain why the cops want to "get this guy" and why they're so familiar with his story.

 

[Mallaky]

I have a feeling that these creepers think they're doing nothing wrong because they're actions are "nice" and they're not doing stereotypical abusive things like physically or sexually abusing you

They feel they do nothing wrong, even when they are doing stereotypical abusive things. What is wrong, from their point of view, is Justmehere's behavior. What is wrong, is being discovered or punished, but they? They are never wrong.