Being intimate - i don't think i'm normal

[oakleaves]

I'm sorry I don't come here very much, I tend to drop in when I feel like I can.

I have recently started emdr although all we are doing at the moment is the stabilisation bit, so building positive resources I think. But during the assessment we talked about intimacy - I am married - and touch and there are some forms of that that I really struggle with and I can't cope with it, and either my partner now doesn't do those things because he knows, or he does and I freeze but it just sort of gets missed because I just freeze I don't lash out or whatever.

The thing I don't think is normal is sex. I can have sex. I don't often enjoy it because I have intrusive memories, sensations, flashes of things from the past during sex or when I am touched in certain ways, but I can get through it and I can act as though it is all ok. I know this isn't necessarily good, but the fact that I CAN go through that process makes me think I'm not normal when other forms of touch are so difficult.

I often have a drink before sex (I don't get drunk but I'll have a drink to sort of take the edge off how I feel) or I do other things to try to stay grounded or to hurt myself because it just seems to help to cope. I do feel safe with my husband (rationally, it's only touch and alcohol with him that sets me off) I love him very much, and he is just such a wonderful part of my life and that's why I don't want him to know how hard it is sometimes because I don't want it to become 'our' issue, it is not him and it is not his fault. I desperately don't want to hurt him or for him to feel rejected. It is my body and they are my memories.

I can't talk about this to anyone which is why I am posting here. Any advice or thoughts (even if it is to tell me I am unusual or different) is welcome.

 

[anonymous]

It already is an issue..you don't sound like you enjoy the intimacy, so it does already affect you both

You are definitely not unusual, many trauma survivors are exactly how you describe (including myself)

Maybe a therapist who specializes in sex could help?

 

[EveHarrington]

It sounds like you're trying to solve this problem on your own when it is a problem of interaction and in my way of seeing things should be worked on as a couple.

Why are you trying to manage his feelings for him? He should learn that flashbacks are not a rejection of him. It is his responsibility to learn how to manage these emotions when you are not rejecting him in the least.

 

[oakleaves]

It already is an issue..you don't sound like you enjoy the intimacy, so it does already affect you bo...

Thanks. I know what you mean it's just hard. I feel contaminated enough and I don't want to contaminate my relationship.

I think my therapist assumes I can't cope with any touch or sex but I do I just sort of shut it down. That's the bit I think is not normal.

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe it could be an opportunity for trust and to see if your partner can be there to support you?

I have always had flashbacks during sex, from my very first consensual sexual encounter. I, too, felt like it was something to hide as I was ashamed. I couldn't understand why any guy would want to have sex with me when a flashback is a given buzzkill. I even had guys push me away when a flashback came on.

A few weeks ago I started reading the joy of sex. There was a line about how sex is a bonding experience between two people. Reading this made me stop dead in my tracks. Wait.....you mean sex isn't only about the guy getting off so he will like me?!? (I don't orgasm with a partner.) Sex being thought of as a bonding experience was so foreign to me! Yeah, lots of guys have "bonded" with me during sex but I thought it was pathetic as I didn't bond with them. I thought they were jokes as it was just sex with them, not something on any sort of emotional level.

With my current partner it's completely different. He wants me to be there during sex with all my emotions present. Flashbacks are an opportunity for him to support me and love me and make me feel safe. He doesn't see flashbacks as a mood killer hat gets in the way of his orgasm. (Sorry if that sounds crass, but that's how I felt in the past, that my issues did nothing but destroy the sexual experience.)

So for me, the shift in my mindset from "sex is to get off" to "sex is an intimate bonding experience" was enough to help me stop feeling so ashamed and closed off in terms of my flashbacks.

 

[oakleaves]

Maybe it could be an opportunity for trust and to see if your partner can be there to support you...

I do think he wants to be. Just tonight I have been in a mess and I ended up sitting inside my wardrobe to calm down (yes, I'm stupid) and literally wanting to rip my skin off and he knew something was wrong but it just comes out as irritability because I try so hard to hold things back until I am on my own. I am terrified of everything today.

What you said in both your posts really makes sense it just feels like asking a lot of him when he has already given so much over the last couple of years to support me. I don't feel like I can expect any more of him than that. He is from a really lovely family and has no frame of reference for any of this and I know it's none of their business and he would not break my confidence (I don't think) but I do think his family wouldn't get it either, they have quite stereotypical views of men and women although I'm probably not being very fair to them.

It is good to hear I am not the only person who can sort of cope with sex but cope by just shutting it all down as much as possible.

I just think he deserves sex and he already gets so much crap from me.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Maybe with the help of a therapist you and your husband can work to solve this issue...

 

[NewBeginnings]

I just think he deserves sex and he already gets so much crap from me.

Here’s what I want to say...
He deserves to be given the opportunity to understand and then you can both decide to be sexual and loving to you btogether. You will never know what he really will think or how supportive he would be unless you share where you are with him.

The reason why I wrote what I want to say is because in reality I have no idea how one actually gets to this place. I am also checked out during sex and in the process of coming to terms with my retraumatizng myself every time I have sex with my husband. It is hard and I do not knowing w the answer.

Good Luck!

 

[Sideways]

So, some of us learned from a very early age that sex was associated with trauma. When I’ve been approaching this issue in my relationship, my attitude is that I need to basically reteach my body from scratch.

When we’re still young, we’re not supposed to leap straight to sex. Learning about intimacy and sex and how to make it feel good is a gradual process. With a lot of steps between starting out and going for broke: holding hands, kissing, touching, intimate touching, exploration... This process starts when kids are quite young, and it often goes on for years before reaching actual intercourse.

With the encouragement of my T, I’m treating my relationship as if I’m relearning sex from scratch. So we take it slow. I test the waters with holding hands - does that feel safe? Does it feel good? If so, let’s try something more. If not? I’m not ready for the next step, let’s get this one right first.

The idea is that instead of leaping in at the deep end and hoping I learn how to swim before I drown, I’m keeping things in a place where it’s under control (which helps make it feel safer), and my brain is relearning that this is enjoyable, rather than traumatic.

Yes, I’m sure it’s pretty frustrating for him. But we’ve talked about it, and he seems to not be all that keen to have sex with me if it’s going to be retraumatising He’d rather take it slow. He’s in it for the long haul.

Maybe that’s an approach you could try? Relearning with partner?

If something you were doing in your relationship distressed your partner sooo much that he had to hide in the cupboard afterwards, how would you react? Is that stupid? Or would you prefer him to talk to you about it, so that you could understand, and try and help in a compassionate and understanding way?

 

[Deleted member 44517]

I read all of this thread and found it to be encouraging. So often, I have found advice to be of the "sex isn't important, take care of yourself" variety which, to me, flies in the face of marriage.

@oakleaves I went through all the same struggles you have. I don't get angry but I freeze. Every once in a while I will shudder or make a fist during sex. All of these signs are difficult for my husband to pick up on.
I knew sex was important to him. I knew it was important to me and for us. It took me years but we did get to a pretty solid/safe sex life. The only way that was able to happen was through communication. Lots of communication. Some of it through tears. Some of it with my head buried in his shoulder. Some of it through a locked bathroom door.

I'm glad that we are through those phases, for the most part. I just wanted to encourage you. It is possible for sex to get better. Keep in mind that it is about "us " and not just him and not just you.

 

[oakleaves]

Maybe with the help of a therapist you and your husband can work to solve this issue...

It feels more like just my issue than mine and his. I am the one with the trauma history, with the issues, and it is not his fault. I chose to be in this relationship. When we got married he didn't know the full story because at that point I couldn't talk about it at all (I still largely can't) and he knew I had other issues and I was very honest about those and in treatment for them, but that blocked all this off and now I am better with those, the past is just crowding in on me.

Maybe it could be an opportunity for trust and to see if your partner can be there to support you...

I hope one day I can be the way you are with your partner and be honest about it. It feels unfair to him either way so I just feel horribly trapped.

So, some of us learned from a very early age that sex was associated with trauma. When I’ve b...

This is really helpful and a good idea, thank you. I could try this. We are very affectionate in other ways (It seems to be certain kinds of touch that set me off rather than all touch) but it is hard to talk about.

It is hard to tell my therapist too. In emdr we do a body scan but sometimes I get sensations in certain parts of my body (for example, my legs) and I can't say it because even saying that feels really shameful and exposing, which is really stupid.

I do think sometimes I am retraumatising myself or punishing myself or something by forcing myself to have sex when sometimes I struggle so much but I also worry that by being honest I will add more stress to us both which I don't think will help either... I sort of hope it will improve as I have therapy and also perhaps improve as I work on it on my own.

And yes of course if my partner were as distressed as I am I would 100% want to know and to help him... and he does know a lot. I just don't feel like I can lay anything else on him... I am the problem. Thank you for your reply as it is really really helpful.

 

[EveHarrington]

Uhm, but are you REALLY "the problem"...?

Nobody comes with a guarantee.

We all have our struggles.

Why are you being so harsh on yourself?

If you want to go black/white, might as well go all out and quit relationships altogether, become celibate, etc.....because chances are that even when healed, we will likely have remnants we can't overcome.

I'm not trying to be rude, rather my point is that we are human, we aren't perfect, and unless you've had a conversation with your partner where he point blank says he wants a perfect sex life and you can't have any struggles, then you're doing quite a bit of mind reading and making decisions for him.