Belief that all people are bad

[may9524]

Hi, I am a 22-year-old female with CPTSD from Australia. I have had many bad experiences with people; I experienced domestic violence as a child, I was bullied all throughout school, and I have had negative experiences at work, such as being verbally abused by clients and employers. I have gotten to the point where I have made the nonconscious decision to simply not care about people or relationships and just assume they are all bad and will hurt me if they get too close. This belief started in high school when I was around 16 and realized that if people are going to bully me anyway, I should just go without speaking so that I don't give them any more ammunition. I started to disassociate at school and would space out until I got home, I suppose as an attempt to protect myself. This worked while at school, but before and after school I would cry constantly. Now I am 22 without a single friend from school, work, or life in general; I only have my partner to keep me company. I want to let go of the idea that all people are bad, as I consciously know that isn't true, and I believe this limiting belief is holding me back greatly in life, as I am fearful of going back to work, because I will have to deal with people. If anyone has gone through anything similar and gotten to the other side, I would appreciate some advice. Thanks. :)

 

[Survivor3]

I never used to speak. I was like that for a long time. I have a history of complex trauma, depression and anxiety. I also used to drink alot, everyday, all the time. I was an alcoholic. Stopped drinking and smoking 6 years ago. Now I talk normally although it takes focus, courage and motivation.

I have also learnt not to divulge sensitive, personal information to people I have no reason to trust. I pretty much hated myself and the world (except music) because of my trauma. I had no friends. Life was f*cking painful. The mental health services were a complete nightmare and I believe I actually received psychiatric damage from them.

I am now happy (for the majority of the time) and my meds help. 20mg olanzapine at night, 30mg mirtazapine at night and 20mg escitalopram in the morning. Escitalopram was a complete game changer. It's like taking mild ecstasy. As apposed to sertraline which is like taking cocaine.

I now work part-time, play piano and sax, have music lessons attend the Buddhist centre 3x a week. Have great friends and socialise.

I still have anxiety attacks sometimes and sideways days but I take the rough with the smooth.

I hope this site can help you. It has helped me and others here a great deal.