Beyond Help And Hope

[Justmehere]

I'm reading your messages. It's helping me get out of my head.

I just want to believe they are wrong about being "unemployable" but I can't find it in me to believe they are wrong. I had a panic attack about a pushy therapist. I don't have panic attacks on the job. Part of what I panicked about was her pushing to email me while on the job about trauma. Like no, just no.

And even if I had panic attacks on the job, why is that grounds to end?

My mis-handling of my fear of medical professionals and therapists has destroyed my life. It just keeps happening over and over and working through this fear has been the primary focus of therapy for the past 6 months.

I'm failing.

I don't even know what to talk to my therapist about when she calls. Hi, it's me, I failed again. And this time, I don't see another side to this. I can't keep putting you and everyone else through this.

Trying to slow down my breathing. Every breath hurts. I am hot with shame. Physically hot. Or I have a fever. I think it's the shame I feel.

The support from you all has me stunned. Thank you. It is so undeserved.

 

[Jnean]

I am truly sorry. Big hugs if that's ok!!!

 

[hodge]

JMH, just tell your T what happened. You are NOT a failure. You have succeeded in many things in life. This is just your PTSD talking. It's not true. And you totally deserve our support. You are a precious person and you deserve the best treatment available. I am so glad you wrote back. I've been really worried about you.

 

[scout86]

It is so undeserved.

Not true! Come on, you know this bunch, no one here gives out support to the unworthy.

As far as failure goes, you what? "Failed" to get assigned a T who actually has some common sense? If the organization is still willing to work with you, in spite of what the Voc Rehab people seem to think, you must have done something right.

 

[shimmerz]

I find when I trigger up that I get really hot. Like an inside hot. I try to picture myself sitting in a tub of ice cubes. Bbbbbbbrrrrrrr!

Lots of people used to tell me to breath but I actually never knew what that meant. I breathe to the count of 6/6/6. Count to six in, count to six out, release for six. Play around with numbers if six isn't 'right'. All just suggestions to help keep you 'here'. Ignore away if that helps. I won't be offended.

Oh, and btw, we are all here because you are so damned lovable. You don't remember that right now, but you are. :hug:

 

[Ronin]

JMH, they saying you're unemployable doesn't say a thing about you, it just says they see no way to fit you with a system they already have going - and that simply means their lack of understanding and imagination and resourcefulness.

Not about you. Not unfixable. Not true.

Breathe & do anything soothing to get you through the day, alright? This can be sorted, all of it.

 

[Justmehere]

You all are so kind. Wow, I'm re-reading your posts and it has me in tears. Thank you. It's helping me believe my therapist a little more.

I'll respond better soon. I get overly specific when nervous and anxious. It's a weird defense mechanism... please bear with me.

I talked to my therapist. It was the first time I have had to have a crisis call with her, in almost a year of therapy with her...

It went ok. I'm still spinning quite a bit. We came up with a plan to make it until I can see her on Friday. She told me to call her again if the plan falls apart.

She thinks this is a repetition of a pattern from the past, but that there are some differences. She asked me to trust her, just flat out trust her - she's never ask for this before. She wants me to trust her that this is different than the past, that this will pass, I can get to the other side, it's not hopeless... "and that you are agreeing with your father way too much right now."

That threw me off. She pointed out that everything I was saying to myself and to her is stuff that my father has said to me.

"He is wrong."

We started to problem solve the mess with Voc Rehab - I have been on disability for several years and everyone thought I was ready to work my way off... She encouraged me to talk to the organization I was going to do the internship with and see if they would let me volunteer instead, even for the same amount of time. "You don't need to give up." She keeps saying I just need to learn its ok to fail and how to handle these things differently. She thinks Voc Rehab is wrong.

When I told her I wanted to quit therapy and all of life, because I'm going to screw it all up with her too anyhow can she said "if you fail with me, you fail with me. Maybe we should work on failing on purpose!"

So much for knowing how my theist would respond to this.

I can't seem to quite make sense of all she said. I told her this, and she said it's because I'm responding like the past is happening now.

We came up with a plan to make it through to Friday, when I can see her next, and what to do to access emergency care in a better way if I can't keep myself safe - and she asked me to call her if the plan fails.

Trying to believe that although this is a setback, the past is not happening now...

I'm not cognitively thinking the past is happening now in any kind of life threatening way, but it feels like it in my body - I think my therapist is right.

Trying to find hope. Thank you for having hope for me even though I can't find it right now.

 

[hodge]

I am so glad you talked to your therapist and that you made a safety plan. I know how it feels in the body. Just keep reminding yourself that it's not happening now. You are okay. I have hope for you. You will find it. :hug:s

 

[Ronin]

Trying to find hope. Thank you for having hope for me even though I can't find it right now.

That's because it's hiding all in you. ;) Lots of hope to fill a person.

Thinking of you. Take all the time you need, Just Me Here.

 

[scout86]

she said it's because I'm responding like the past is happening now.

I don't know if this will help, but that's something I do, and tend to do, too. Now that it's been pointed out, and I'm starting to understand how it works, it's made a big difference in dealing with things better. As bad as all of this feels right now, maybe it's a good thing. If you gain some insight into how this process unfolds for you (and runs away with you), it may be well worth all the distress in the end.

Hang in there!

 

[shimmerz]

Thinking of you this morning JMH and hoping that you feel us circling around you in solidarity.

 

[Justmehere]

I had a rough night. I kept waking up screaming with nightmares about my abusive (this has not happened for awhile.) Those nightmares were intermingled with really intense panic attacks about this mess. My reaction really fits more for the trauma of the past, not now. If I can find a way through this, I think I really will pay off over the long run.

I am really finally fully believing this reaction is about the past and not now. It's helping me feel a bit safer and a little more ok, and to make better choices how to handle this present moment now.... i.e. not responding to fix this present glitch in my life with the same level of energy to fix an actual life and death situation.

I am reading this thread again, and the suggestions are so good. I am not very clear headed to respond more now, but it's helped me not relapse into unhealthy coping skill this morning. I will write more later when I am a little more settled.

Thank you again for the support. Means so much to me right now to not be all alone in this. So much.