Blamed For The Trauma And Blamed For The Subsequent Pain

[Recovery4Me]

ways of coping with the "shame/blame" crowd who acts reflexively to human suffering.

At times, I have invited them to therapy with me to discuss their take on my concern. :devilish: Perhaps it is a tad devious but in reality it has seemed to serve with a stopping their comfort zone with flippant platitudes. While I have no problem following through with my offer and would relish such an intervention, they seem aghast at being subjected to a professional's opinion of their mind.

she grew suddenly very stern and said "YOU should have told your parents!"

Firstly on this part: "should" is considered by some CBT teaching modules "warpy thinking". So that prevents under critical thinking a nurturing or healthy response.:spitdummy: Secondly, pretty fast shifting of any responsibility for considering Dad (as you offered she was Dad's friend) was in charge of parenting as well as observation of his offspring.

I think you did well with getting some valuable information within the cultural settings of your Family of Origin (FOO) and send my warm appreciation as well as respect regarding your strong efforts within your journey to heal. I thank you for the opportunity to share with you today.

 

[Powder]

Good information, @Recovery4Me. Thank you for showing me how and why this stuff seemed off the mark to me.

Yes, shifting of responsibility happened a lit in this family culture. Thank you for showing me the words that I needed to hear. This kind of helps me to file away these responses and categorize them. I feel empowered. Thanks!

Muse

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My family of origin was so highly toxic that I had to disconnect from them. Mabe you can look at why this is so important to you. People are where they are at and I am so sad you got the brunt of the response and the blame and the shame.

I always wanted people to understand me a illusion that I had to let go of. Mabe you could write a letter to these people and never send it.

An excellent book I used as a resource is Toxic Parents by Susan Froward. It really is a treasure and I highly recommend it to you too.

I understand the need to confront and get some kind of truth validated but it sounds like they do not have that in them. Wishing you the best possible solution.

 

[Powder]

Thank you, Gizmo, I will see about getting that book for some added closure. Yes, I harbored a temporary "bargaining" kind of illusion that there was a "reason" that they acted the way they did.

However, my T. had said people do what they did because they wanted to, essentially. Not for some enigmatic reason--that is me over-thinking their choices trying to rationalize choices that make no sense to my way of living and thinking. I am just so different, and I guess I need to see why that is a good thing.

Thanks so much,

Muse

 

[Recovery4Me]

However, my T. had said people do what they did because they wanted to, essentially.

Not in the mental state to offer the greatest comment at this moment, however, I did want to offer what I learned from one of my Therapist. He asked me to explain to him, what was a traditional meal within my family. Then he asked what type of pan I used to cook it in, then what type of pan my mother cooked it in, then what type of pan my grandmother cooked it in and if I knew what type of pan my great grandmother used.

I offered the meal & a cast iron skillet: he asked me- why. The answer was simple for me, but hit me all of a sudden as the domino effect of family learned behavior patterns. I choked out," Because my Mom had done it that way." My point being, how much is learned behavior reflex conditioning and how much is at times a conscious decision?

I am not offering a grandstand on excusing their (or anyone's) bad behaviors or overtly disagreeing with your T. I am simply stating your uniqueness (or as you offered difference) may serve you well within your journey of the why's within your family dynamics. Viva la difference!;)

 

[xena21]

My T's have NOT supported the reporting decision. They have highlighted it as mere revenge or desire to force others to see the dark side of their family and be confronted with the nasty truth. I am aware that such elements are present in my motivation, or have been mainly in the past. I mostly worry that if another child were hurt, that I would feel terribly guilty and more helpless. If it happened and I at least reported, then I would not beat myself up over it as much, even though my heart would be equally devastated by it all.

Are you f*cking kidding me? These people abused you and are babysitting other people and your therapists think you are over reacting? Who are these people? You have got to be kidding right?

 

[Powder]

I agree it seems logical, but the T's job is to prevent problems in the patient, not in the life outside. However, as you point out, this is hard to separate when other kids are being left there that the patient, in this case, me, cares deeply about and wants to protect.

Even if I reported, it is unlikely it would have any impact. The pedophile is wealthy. Only the poor ones go to jail.