Boundaries, Communication, And My Own Desperation

[ladee]

@Simply Simon, with all that being said, it does not change the things you shared that he is doing , and disrespecting you all the while... Lots of people have it hard, and they figure it out. They stand on their own two feet, and make changes. They do not glom onto a family member and show no gratitude for what you are offering him... Please do not let your need for a brother blind you to the truth he is showing you about himself.

 

[ladee]

This is not to say you won't ever have the brother you need. It is saying he is not the one.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Apparently Simon do play when Simon is confronted with a brother figure who she desperately, desperately wants to have in her life as a source of health and comfort.

I 100% understand this and can 100% relate. My brother I miss more than words can express, but with him and his bitch wife in my life its insane drama. Thats just my situation though, your milage may vary.

Simply, I would ask him just that "if you are flat broke, where is all of this 'spare change' coming from" as one can only have so much "spare change" and having "spare change" isnt flat broke. I may say i only have $50, or $5...but though that aint a lot, its not flat broke.

If it were me, though i quit smoking about a yr ago and went to a nicotine vaporizer, i would never ask anyone to pay for cigs, i would go without and i would also only borrow what i had to and make a plan of paying them back likely in payments and make that plan with them and i would also spend every single waking hour looking for a job. But i also feel bad borrow anything from anyone.

Can you think of some reasonable boundries and rules? Maybe make them with your therapist, written and ask him to sign it? Explain that you need to set down boundries and rules, that not only are you not there to be used...you are a loving sister and want him in your life but you need to think of you first, physically, mentally, and financially; and make it known that you feel like you are being used and you can't allow that, but that you do want him in your life as your brother.

If you make this letter with your therapist, and also some points on how to say things, it may be received better. I did this with my therapist and my ex-roommates and i even my dad & step mom at times and it seems to be received better than what i would of said or wrote by myself.

 

[Kintsugi]

I love what everyone is saying about setting boundaries and focusing on myself and protecting myself--@lostforgottensoul @scout86 @shimmerz @ladee @starbar and anyone I missed who's saying things along the same lines...

BUT when the behavior is ultimately a culmination of things that, individually, are small, it's very difficult for me to have the gumption to say something, because it will look like it's out of nowhere and like an overreaction. I just wish I had the balls to call a duck a duck and not worry about the backlash, but it seems I'm lacking in that.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I just wish I had the balls to call a duck a duck and not worry about the backlash, but it seems I'm lacking in that.

What kind of backlash are you worried about? Type it all out here, all your worries, all of the "what ifs". I do this too and for me, typing it all out makes it clearer for me.

So whats the worst possible thing that can happen if you call him out?

 

[ladee]

So that is where your T comes into play... it doesn't matter what it 'looks' like, it matters if you are in danger of re traumatizing yourself.... the first time, you had no choice... this time you do....Your T will help you with this if you ask. I pray that you pick YOU , over how something is construed by someone else... he is responsible for how he reacts or responds to you choice of taking care of yourself..... I DO understand what you are saying.. I really do.... but keep in mind, that wishing something was true or easy, doesn't make it so..... just give yourself time to think about things.. Nothing has to be done today.... just give yourself a chance to process ..... I have faith that you will make the right choice for you.... and either way, there are lessons to be learned... I support what you decide.... this is your journey... we don't know where you have to walk to learn your truth... sending you hugs.

 

[Sandstone]

it will look like it's out of nowhere and like an overreaction.

It sounds as though someone has used this against you in the past.Probably because you went on and on taking it until you blew. Telling someone, calmly, that they are not behaving in an acceptable way isn't over-reacting, it is being wholly reasonable.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is it possible that he's had this planned from the very beginning? (I mean from the moment he started to search for you.)

I think you are under the belief that he contacted you out of the desire to know his biological sister. It's also possible that he contacted you simply because he needed another person to use, someone who could help him get out of his small southern town.

And then----things started to fall into his lap. He could see you really wanted a brother and he exploited your generosity.

I've learned over the years that users have a keen sense for those who can be used. It's not your fault in the least. (The alternative would be becoming a closed off cynical person who trusts no one.) I guess what I'm saying is that being loving/caring/kind is indeed an awesome thing but at the same time we need to develop an eagle eye for the users of the world so we can protect ourselves.

I sort of doubt that out of the blue you offered to get him out of there and put him up for the month. I am asking you to think back----how did this all start? What sorts of things was he saying that prompted you to make such a generous offer to him?

I know this is hard because you wanted him to be the brother you never had and worse case scenario-----everything has been a lie, including him actually wanting to know you as a sister for the right reasons.

And to add----it seems odd that he was distant from you until he needed something from you. (Hallmark of a user.) I have long lost family and when we connected, it was like party like its 1999! Lol. We try to be generous with one another but nobody contacts another asking or subtly seeking anything----ever.

 

[Sideways]

"This isn't working out for me, you need to find your own place. I'm going to be re-letting this place in 3 weeks"...it doesn't actually have to come with reasons or apologies. He's going to know why he's getting kicked out. So when he starts the mind games and guilt trips, you literally don't vear from you original line - "Yeah, I know what you're saying, it's just not working out".

You don't need to elaborate - the important thing is to remain consistent with the boundary you set.

Putting things in writing may help you be consistent with your boundary setting. Is there some kind of standard eviction notice you can give him, wven if it's not legally necessary? However long you give him to move out, that's how long he's got to work the mind games and the guilts on you. So back yourself up with something written if you can, and without sounding aggressive, you simply stick with your line consistently "It's just not working out." "Why? What've I done? I thought this was going great..." "I know, but it's just not working out for me."

He's gonna ask if it's a money thing. Is it the car? Does he need to do more around the house? He thinks he might be about to get offered a job.

Stop yourself, be consistent, avoid (unnecessary, unwarranted and undeserved) explanations. Whatever he says, you're a broken record until he's gone..."This just isn't working out, you need to find your own place".

Setting the boundary with a dynamic like this is actually going to be the easy part. He has to go. There needs to be a time limit.

Being consistent with that boundary is the hard part. My default when I know I'm going to struggle to stick with my own boundaries is to simply have a line that I play on repeat. Whatever comes at me, whatever they say, however bad they make me feel, I stick to my one line.

If the relationship is worth saving, that's something that you can only work effectively on once he's out.

 

[Mytime]

Simon do you know if he's M.I.D?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Whatever he says, you're a broken record until he's gone

I love love love that! I do that with my customers until they just accept it and move on.

And that "Its just not working out for me" isnt blaming him for anything so its likely to be recieved better and not cause hard feelings or a huge fight about car, money etc.

I agree to have something in writting. This helps a lot! I personally made it with my therapist to help have a "non-trauma filter" view in the writing. More of a calm view if you will.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Mytime what's M.I.D? Google doesnt seem to know either.