Okay, I'm both utterly exhausted and completely hopped up on painkillers, so forgive me if I add nothing but echoes and/or don't make much (or any...) sense here, but...OH HAAAAAAAAAAAAALE NO.
I absolutely understand that you'd want a healthy relationship with someone sharing your blood, especially considering the circumstances with people who don't.
However - I really don't see anything "healthy" in this.
What I see is a whole lot of entitlement from one ungrateful, manipulative c*nt. Takes some skill to pull that off, really, and I guess some of that must be within a character already, but it's an unfortunate tendency that drug users hone those skills (using and manipulating others until they get what they want) to the absolute max, and that sticks even when the substances go. Folks who spent time on the gray areas of or even across the horizon from the law also tend to have the ability to read people even through the thickest of walls (because their freedom or even survival depended on it at some point) - and, girl, I fear your walls may not be anywhere near thick enough simply BECAUSE you want him in your life.
...and I'm fairly certain he knew that from the start.
He was hard to get a hold of until you could be useful to him and now he's milking you for everything you've got, already made you cross your own boundaries (tobacco...if he's got "spare change" for other things, he SHOULD have spare change for that), basically saddled you with the responsibility for his girlfriend he doesn't even seem all that concerned about (possibly because he now has you to play his mindgames with) and even has the guts to pretty much tell you that nothing you do is good enough (cabin fever, lack of social life - 'cause how DARE you not introduce him to the whole town and host/feed them, too, just so he's got company??) - yeah. Nope.
BUT when the behavior is ultimately a culmination of things that, individually, are small
Where's living on your dime, taking the home, the car, the f*ckin' tobacco - YOU!!! for granted "small"? What would be "big" in your view?
it's very difficult for me to have the gumption to say something, because it will look like it's out of nowhere and like an overreaction
When the doormat suddenly announces it's sick of being kicked with muddy boots and left out in the cold without even a thanks, it may be out of nowhere to the boot-wearer, but not an overreaction.
This guy knows what he's doing. He also knows why he's doing it, and that's "because he can".
Why he'd WANT to do it, whether it's because he's lazy, because he thinks it's funny, because he gets off on it, because he thinks he's entitled to it since you grew up in (financially) better circumstances when your genes should've put you into his trailer park, because he's just an a**hole or any other unpleasant reason, I don't know and I don't think it matters. What does matter is the fact that he's doing it and it needs to stop.
I just wish I had the balls to call a duck a duck and not worry about the backlash, but it seems I'm lacking in that.
You're not lacking in that.
I've never seen you call a duck a microwave dish in your capacity as a mod here, and any of those trolls around these parts could ruin your name all over the internet until it inevitably WOULD get back to someone who happens to know you and recognize you from the info.
I can sort of hear you now, "But that's because I'm in control here, Vogelchen."
You're providing that guy's roof, food, nicotine, transport, emotional barf-bucket and whatnot. How are you NOT in control of what happens there?
The only thing holding you back (and you know that, but I'm gonna write it anyway) from actually realizing that - is you.
You and your desire to have the brother you never got to have and find healing through him.
The way it is right now, though, is not "healing" in any way, shape or form.
It might be, yes - but it takes two to tango, and he'll have to do his share...but right now, what reason would he have to even put in the effort? He's getting everything he needs. Dude has to be given a reason to at the very least try, and you're the one who's got to give it to him. It's not an overreaction, but a request for basic decency. IF he's willing to go beyond that and actually be the brother you wish for, he'll take that first step as he's being shoved forward, but then go that extra mile without having to be told.
Yeah, I'm a pessimist who believes he wouldn't need to be nudged if he wanted to be what you wish for him to be, but there's a myriad reasons that could hold a person back. Heaven knows many of us here are familiar with the brain-clearing values of a smack in the face (literal or not), so I'm not saying cut him off before you've given it the kind of try you need to in order to be able to NOT wonder "what if".
I am, however, going to sign the petition requesting you to work with your T to figure out what YOU need to get out of this, when and how, and to make those things d*mn clear to him in whatever way seems easiest. Faced with a master manipulator, sticking to boundaries is HARD, yo, but I KNOW you can do this.
You've got a whole freakin' forum believing in you there, so please try to remember that when the moment comes when the lines, once drawn, may blur.
The worst that could happen is, he turns out to really not be the brother you want him to be and disappears from your life.
That'd be painful, it'd be damaging, no doubt about that.
...but it wouldn't be worse than him not being the brother you want him to be AND using you the way he does right now, would it? Simply having him in your life, no matter how he treats you, really isn't worth getting retraumatized or worse.
PTSD-brains, especially in an emotional state, aren't known for being the most reasonable things in the universe, so please try to listen to your T (and/or any of the awesome folks up there ^), dearest Simon.
They know what they're talking about, and that's a rare gift.
End of incoherent rambling.
:hug:
