Relationship Boyfriend feels no love?

[Gadgie]

Not speaking to you’re partner is the worst thing, my ex wife did that all the time with me, and to be honest, I got used to it.

So much so, that I gave up trying to comunicate with her altogether, as she used to do it over silly little things that didnt warrant such behaviour?

I was working away from home a lot at that time, and didn’t have the time to play the “I’m not speaking game” during the short periods that I did get to be home.

Ask him outright to explain his reasons for saying such things to you next time he says things like that. Let him know that it’s hurtful for you, and you want to know why he says such things, good luck.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Gadgie Forgive me if this sounds harsh and I’ll accept what I get from admin or a mod but following your advice is what caused me the most grief. I had to read a few of your posts to see that you are a sufferer. I’m sorry you have PTSD and I’m sorry you suffer because of it. I welcome the insights of people with PTSD who post on these supporter forums because that insight helps me/us to understand what our spouses/significant others go through.

But telling a new supporter that not speaking to her partner is the worst thing or telling her to ask him outright to explain himself and that she has to find out why her sufferer says what he does is probably what drove her to this supporter forum in the first place.

I have learned from both my therapist and from people in this forum that arguing and/or demanding answers from our sufferers is exactly the worst thing to do; that giving space and time is a loving act. Now, if it’s not in someone’s personality to allow our sufferer the time to isolate or a mutual way to deal with their need to isolate has not been developed, then maybe the relationship struggles.

The “I’m not speaking game” doesn’t exist from our perspective. It’s not a game. It’s a daily struggle that causes most supporters to end up walking on eggshells till we can figure out boundaries for ourselves and coping skills to be better supporters.

I don’t have the time nor desire to read through your over 2,000 posts to understand what you’ve gone through in life but if you have PTSD and wanted to communicate with your ex-wife who didn’t speak to you, that seems like a problem independent from her not speaking to you when you were symptomatic.

Again, I am sorry for sounding upset; it’s just that as far as myself or anyone else I’ve met here is concerned....none of this approaches an “I’m not speaking game.”

 

[anon1234]

Thanks @Akhos @Sweetpea76

I suppose this is the first time I have had isolation and the last time we saw each other everything was OK. I know he is still going to work, so I know nothing terrible has happened to him. I'm just trying to work out how to give the loving space that people mention here, without being overbearing. It is difficult to navigate.

 

[Freida]

Just catching up and I'm wondering @BoyfriendqwithPTSD do you feel a bit overwhelmed? To much info too fast? :) You will find amazing support here and a LOT of information. Now might be a good time to re-read all you have been offered up till now. Go ahead -- I'll wait...

Ok, back now? I'm a sufferer, so I just went thru and marked some things others have said that might be good to remind you of...

That is really what my supporter helped with. Watching my states and vocalizing when he was concerned. Kind of like what a therapy dog would do. Sorry, that is a horrible comparison.... but truthfully.... anyway.

YES! Hubby can often tell when I'm spiraling long before I can. He says I start to get agitated and sigh. Usually it's with enough time for me to start working on grounding myself before it gets to bad. Why is this important? Because like @shimmerz said - you are working as a team. It's not his ptsd and your life. It's your life together - and that life includes his ptsd.

There is no cure

No cure. No end. And that is a hard thing to accept for us too. Best case, I'll get better at handling my reactions and my tool box of things to lessen the impact will go. But I will always be a flight risk (my personal ptsd go to).

This is how PTSD affects, certainly me, a trigger is something which reminds my brain of the traumatic incidents which then send it into defence mode. I start scanning for threats, I want to run, to fight, to hide, to protect, but I dont know what from yet. Panic sets in, the anxiety heightens, my body is in full protect mode, I cant remember what you say to me, I cant express any feelings. All my body wants to do is protect itself - thats it

Emotions become dead as its too hard to think about them, to deal with them, to process them.

yep - yep - yep that is pretty much the perfect example of the pendulum swing of ptsd.

Our relationship is not new, our honeymoon phase was 5 years ago

Ohhh no punkin. Your relationship is now new. What came before is gone. You have Pre -PTSD and Post-PTSD. I already had ptsd when I met hubby - but ptsd changes how you look at the entire world. That includes relationships and the people around you - even the ones that existed before.
Supporters want to weigh in on this? Because I think it might be important and I'm probably explaining it wrong.

He sees it as ‘admitting defeat’

\

Yep Huge personal failing. If only I coulda/shoulda/woulda. Strong people don't get ptsd. Only losers get ptsd. I had some bad experiences and now I cant get my shit together. I suck

I’m wondering if ghousting was for the stress he was under preparing for a big exam, or me?

I'm a ghost/flight risk/runner whatever the trendy term is. And yep - you push me when I'm stressed about something and POOF! I'm gone. Doesn't matter what the stress was. What matters is you pushing me.

"I can't handle the pressures of being in a relationship, my mind needs space and freedom" (his exact words).

Sounds pretty clear to me. But it's not a challenge. Its just a statement of fact. He has to get the volume down

Hope that helps!

 

[C mom]

oh my goodness! I feel like I oh my goodness! I feel like I could have written this post myself! The main difference though is that it's my husband of 14 years who has left me and our 2 year old son. I feel like I'm grieving the death of the man I married and the relationship we once had before trauma. 4 years ago he was involved in a boating accident that my dad did not survive. As if losing my dad wasn't enough... I've started to wonder if over time, I became a trigger. Everything that the original poster said, words that her boyfriend has said to her, I've heard come from my husband. We've only been separated for 4 months and I found myself in divorce court a few days before Thanksgiving. Apparently he has been suffering and silence for quite a while and now he feels that divorce is the only option. As of this moment, I still have never received an answer as to why I'm in the middle of a divorce. He is the love of my life, my soulmate, and he's become a stranger. He's become cold, unemotional, and emotionally abusive. Because he has become so unpredictable, I have chosen to limit our interactions to text messaging and emails. I tried everything I can get my hands on about PTSD. I think I'm on my 10th book and just these last 4 months, but I can't help him if he doesn't think anything's wrong

 

[C mom]

I just realized that the last couple of statements of my post made it look as though I think I can save him because I've read some books about PTSD. That is not what I meant at all. I just meant that I can't even be supportive if he doesn't acknowledge the problem in the first place and only pushes me away.

 

[Akhos]

He sees it as ‘admitting defeat’

Every single day. I hate myself for being a pussy, a chicken, for failing myself. People can tell me till they are blue in the face that my reactions are "normal" or that " they arent surprised after what you through", but it honestly makes no difference. I wish I could believe them, I wish I could take that confidence and apply it to myself. Its not self pity, its just this overwhelming feeling of a complete and utter loss of who I am and not knowing how to be able to get it back again. And I hate myself for that.

you are working as a team. It's not his ptsd and your life. It's your life together - and that life includes his ptsd.

That, alone, reduced me to tears. I fight this alone, even though I am surrounded by my kids and my wife. Every day I look at them, thinking they deserve better, they would be better off without me because I am alone. I dont want to mess my kids up, my eldest already asks me questions - "Dad, why arent you ever at work anymore?". The other day he completely destroyed me when he gave me a big hug and said "Dad, I miss your smile, your laugh. I love you".

The wife, she doesnt even notice, I can have a complete breakdown and she either doesnt notice, or doesnt care. I lie in bed screaming in my head that I need to talk, but she doesnt want to listen. Maybe I dont try hard enough, but its too much hard work to try to think of how to phrase my emotions when I have no idea what I am feeling myself. I need you to just understand, even if you dont!!. To just accept that I dont know what the hell is going on, but I need you to just be ok with me not knowing that. I am not the rock you knew, so either accept that or just leave because I dont have the strength to try to work this shit out anymore.

I am on the brink of leaving my 11 year marriage anyway, at least then I dont need to stress about it.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Hi everyone.

Thanks for your replies
I will reply to them as soon as possible, getting myself to work as we speak.

I just had a quick question though,
On a few occasions he’s said ‘maybe if I met someone new I would FEEL again’ I know he is desperate to feel something, and I know he doesn’t completely understand that he doesn’t feel because of PTSD (he is also of course new to this)

I just wanted to know.. him saying ‘maybe someone else can make me FEEL again’ due to PTSD and his brain being overwhelmed or is he subtly trying to tell me our relationship is doomed?

Hope everyone has a lovely day xx

 

[Akhos]

Not at all. He is trying to work out what the heck he is feeling. He is mentally grasping at straws trying to find a solution i would suggest. One day it will just hit him. It needs to hit him before he can start to deal with it all. Hit me like a lead balloon.

I know its hard but try not to read too much into every comment. His emotions will change depending on his state. Mine are all over the place.

 

[Freida]

@Akhos explains all this perfectly The sense of failure, the head screaming, the grief that you have become someone you don't recognize -- yep. And that doesn't even begin to touch what caused the ptsd in the first place.

Boyfriend may be thinking that he could "feel" in a different situation but it's not true. I think alot of us want to believe that if we just try something different we will feel differently. Sadly, the only thing that makes it different is tackling the ptsd itself - and that ..... yea. that's tough



s

 

[Akhos]

@BoyfriendqwithPTSD - might be worth you just having a quick look at my trauma diary. In it, you can see how I swing from one state to another, sometimes within a matter of hours or less. Might hopefully give you a bit more insight??

Link Removed

 

[Gadgie]

Snowflakes, I’m sorry if my post upset you, it wasn’t meant to, maybe it’s the way I wrote it. The only reason I called it a “not speaking game” was the term I used at that time.

My ptsd hasn’t manifested itself back then, and I will admit it wasn’t a good time for me back then. I shouldn’t have mixed up my feelings of back then, with the problems you are having right now, sorry about that.