Break-in At Daughter's House

[Sandstone]

My daughter got home tonight to find her house was broken into during the day. A few years ago, in another city, she came home and found a burglar in her house. Thank goodness, he was more afraid than she, and ran away.

She is very shocked. I've been on the phone with her for several hours. The police have been, but the forensics team are busy elsewhere, so they can't even get the window boarded up yet. Her partner has got home now, so she isn't alone, but he is doing lots of practical stuff - insurance, police, neighbours CCTV - and not the emotional stuff.

She said "I know I'm going to start seeing the first one again" and all my PTSD alarm bells started ringing. When I asked she says she just has nightmares sometimes, and they are always of the burglar.

I'm talking to her on the phone for half an hour, then ringing off and calling back after an interval, and gradually increasing that interval from ten minutes to half an hour. In this longer gap I'm realising I feel a bit wobbly too.

If you were her, what would you want to hear from your mother? Apart from " I'm on my way." which I've offered and she has declined

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:


Not sure what I'd want my mom to tell me. Will think about it though.

:hug:

 

[Enaila]

My mom calling so often would reinforce me feeling like I should be fearful. I don't know what relationship you have with your daughter, so can only speak from my own experience. Since she has support and is safe right now, maybe wait awhile and be there when the realization of what happened starts to sink in.

 

[Sandstone]

I hadn't thought of that - I wanted her to know I'm here for her. She very clearly wasn't feeling safe to start with, but is coming back down now. Our last call was mainly about the US election results, which we were both watching, and about her two cats.

 

[Friday]

If you were her, what would you want to hear from your mother? Apart from " I'm on my way." which I've offered and she has declined

My mom is a wonderful person :happy: But -in a crisis- she would say and do all the wrong things.

Which has come to be what I want her to say -usually, caveat, usually- because if she somehow turned around and said all the right things? :confused: My brain would melt. I don't want her to say the right things. I want her to be my mom. And drive me crazy. And in so doing reaffirm my sense that all is right in the world, and some things are unchanging; including how much she loves me & I love her right back.

If I want someone to say the right things? I look elsewhere. If I want my mom? That's what I want. Her. Just how she is.

 

[Sandstone]

They didn't get boarded up till 3am. Still waiting for forensics.

I realise that this is yet another situation where I don't know what either a normal or a correct response would be. My instinct is to want to make everything all right for her, which I can't do. On the phone last night I kept saying all the things people say - you are all safe, they were just things, you must be a good cat mum because the cats didn't run away, yes the thieves are shits, no there was no reason, you should eat because it is soothing. None of that is like the minimising I would have received, so it may be OK. When she first phoned she was highly distressed and panicky, and over the time we talked she got back to breathing normally and speaking in sentences. I kept ringing off and calling back later so she could see she was dealing with it without me, but also that I would call back reliably at exactly the time I promised.

She was doing so well with dealing with the first burglary, but I know it affected her. The scale of the police response that time indicated they thought she had been at serious risk. They bought this house because it was in a "nice" area and had clear visibility and street lighting to both front and back, but her first thought on moving in was to increase the security.

Since on both occasions she came home alone, I think she may well find that difficult for a while. I'm not sure whether it is best to be a bit bracing and say "of course you can do it" or to offer to be on the phone with her for reassurance when she gets home. I always got through life by ignoring the fear, but that hasn't proven effective for me, has it?

 

[illusionist]

You can do both...You can say something along the lines of.." You know I will be at home when you get home....feel free to call if you want to "....I personally like to give the option of support in anything, then leave it up to them.

 

[Enaila]

I agree with illusionist. Knowing you are there if she needs you will be comforting.

 

[Friday]

realise that this is yet another situation where I don't know what either a normal or a correct response would be.

1. Screw normal. You're being brilliant :)

2. With no idea of what normal/correct might be? You've come up with the exact right thing for you & your daughter on the fly, and are adapting and adjusting as the situation changes. Sometimes reinventing the wheel? You end up with perfect wheels.

 

[digger]

I realise that this is yet another situation where I don't know what either a normal or a correct response would be.

Honestly, I think the 'normal' response is to try and figure what's the best response for the person/people involved, which sounds like exactly what you've been doing.

One size not fitting all and all that, different people have different needs and respond best to different things, so I don't think there is a 'normal' in that sense.

Wanting and trying to respond to the needs of someone in distress in the best way you can however I would say does tick the 'normal' box.

 

[Sandstone]

Thanks to everyone for their replies. It is encouraging that people I can trust to be direct and honest think I'm doing the right things, because I really don't trust my judgement.

She seems to be doing well. I can't be sure if things are actually as OK as they look or if she is blocking it out. Perhaps I'm worrying unnecessarily there, seeing my past responses in her. I'm going to see her at the weekend. They were planning to come here, but she isn't willing to leave the house unattended. I can't manage a night away from home, so it is going to be a long day - 3 hours each way.

The weekend was going to be wedding planning, but I'm not sure she will feel able to make decisions. I'd expected that to be difficult anyway, and don't want to pressure them, but time is running out.

Last time she was burgled I didn't go to her for over a month, because I was pretty sure she would come home from university with me and never go back. I've wondered ever since if that was the right and real reason, or if I was repeating what had happened to me in the past. She quoted that back to me when I offered to go on the night it happened, as a reason not to. It re-ignited my guilt and doubt. I just want to get it right for her.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm so tired.

She had to go home alone last night, so phoned me as she walked back. Once on the phone, she didn't feel able to ring off until her fiancé got home at midnight. We tried briefly because both of us needed to wee, but she called back straight away saying she had panicked and not been able to go. I'm happy to give her the time and help, and at least I can share with her some of the things I've learned about how our brains perceive danger and how to manage that. She was determined to tackle her fears by going home and staying there, rather than going to a friends house. I'm proud of her courage.

I need silly amounts of sleep, and am very careful about keeping to a regular bed time. That one night of four hours sustained chat and support and the sleep disruption have left me drained.