So, I have a question on break ups. Is it common for someone suffering from PTSD to disappear for 3 or 4 weeks, then when they reconnect with you, they try to put the blame on you for their disappearing act? My BF of 5 months told me he had ptsd and then went missing except for 2 texts and an email for 4 weeks. During that time I was very supportive texting every now and then that I would be there when he was ready. He emailed me today saying the reason he pushed me away was my reaction to his disclosure of PTSD was not what he expected. That I should have been more supportive and that relationships in his past have always had the same issue. I was shocked. I could not have been more understanding, giving him space. Does this happen to others? Any advice is welcomed (:
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Break Up..
- Post starter ambrose
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Deleted member 19804
No, it is not normal. I have, however; read a lot of stories here about people with PTSD pushing their loved ones away and even disappearing for some time. Usually, though, they seem to do so in order to protect their loved ones from themselves and put most (if not all) of the blame on themselves.
It is very possible that his PTSD is related if not causing his behaviour. However, it is not an excuse to be so mean and accusing. It sounds to me like he has a lot of trouble coping with his PTSD and all the problems that come along with it. It's easy to put the blame on someone else, but he should really look at himself.
My suggestion is that you talk to him; explain how his disappearing and accusations afterwards make you feel. No need to get angry or resentful with each other. Just talk, no judgements.
Please don't feel too bad about this. If you show him you love and support him, you may expect the same from him.
It is very possible that his PTSD is related if not causing his behaviour. However, it is not an excuse to be so mean and accusing. It sounds to me like he has a lot of trouble coping with his PTSD and all the problems that come along with it. It's easy to put the blame on someone else, but he should really look at himself.
My suggestion is that you talk to him; explain how his disappearing and accusations afterwards make you feel. No need to get angry or resentful with each other. Just talk, no judgements.
Please don't feel too bad about this. If you show him you love and support him, you may expect the same from him.
Hi Ambrose, I'd like to say that having ptsd, if your boyfriend even does have it, is not a pass to act like a jerk, or behave in ways that excuse people from the normal social rules of engagement that the rest of society lives by. Even if someone does have ptsd, they can also have other disturbances of character and personality that run independently of the injury that ptsd is.
A person's level of maturity, life experience, communication style, attachment style, character, resilience and intelligence are things that may affect their ability to handle their own ptsd and therefore how others are affected by it, but these traits are also things affect everyone's happiness and security in life, whether they have ptsd or not. Also these traits affect everyone's partner in life, ie our level of maturity and the way we treat others is played out on our loved ones. Ptsd is not an excuse to expect more from others than you expect from yourself.
A lot of people get hold of the term ptsd and utilize it to their agendas in life, what ever that may be. They claim to be afflicted by it and they get a lot of sympathy for that. Quite often they are just anxious, they may even have been traumatized but that does not mean they have ptsd. Other people really do suffer from it, this site is full of them and they go all out to get help for it, they own their own problems, they find ways of coping that affect others less and they take responsibility for their own feelings and make sure that the people who love them are supported too. They don't blame them. The reality is that it is a horrible thing that sufferer's would give just about anything to be rid of.
A person's level of maturity, life experience, communication style, attachment style, character, resilience and intelligence are things that may affect their ability to handle their own ptsd and therefore how others are affected by it, but these traits are also things affect everyone's happiness and security in life, whether they have ptsd or not. Also these traits affect everyone's partner in life, ie our level of maturity and the way we treat others is played out on our loved ones. Ptsd is not an excuse to expect more from others than you expect from yourself.
A lot of people get hold of the term ptsd and utilize it to their agendas in life, what ever that may be. They claim to be afflicted by it and they get a lot of sympathy for that. Quite often they are just anxious, they may even have been traumatized but that does not mean they have ptsd. Other people really do suffer from it, this site is full of them and they go all out to get help for it, they own their own problems, they find ways of coping that affect others less and they take responsibility for their own feelings and make sure that the people who love them are supported too. They don't blame them. The reality is that it is a horrible thing that sufferer's would give just about anything to be rid of.
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Thank you both for your insight. I am just confused and not sure what is going on in his mind. I do believe he has ptsd and I also agree he does not have a handle on how to control it. Does he use it for an excuse, I don't know. I felt like in a way he was blaming me for his silence so he could come back into my life without be embarrassed or ashamed, instead he put that on me. That still is not okay. I have read many posts from people that seem to take responsibility for their actions and feelings, but I have also read many stories of people breaking up and getting back together in a crazy cycle of miscommunication. I was so hurt that the blame was on me because over the past 4 weeks I have been willing to stick it out and be a support in his life. Now that seems hard to do. He also went to Chicago on a vacation during this time to talk to friends who he said supported him..all the while still ignoring me. Sigh. This is a difficult road to be on, for both sides.
RoserushTSI
New Here
For years I have dealt well with my anger with martial arts! My husband passed away in 2012. I've dealt with everything. Years have ended and I took in a gorgeous homeless man that was sweet, witty, a great cook and I thought would be a great partner! He is without insurance. Has trauma abuse in his past and present by his wealthy mother. I have given my home, family, monies, cars and myself as support. He is hostile at times which triggered me to be hostile back, but verbally to him, as I should be the one mad about the $3000.00 dollars blown at the casino, having my car hostage for 24 hours and bringing thieves into the home to help sell my jewelry. They only stole his stuff! Which he thought I was incohoots with!
I have thrown my most precious things to break. Beat myself with a metal shoe rack from ear to foot. I have continued to keep this man, even after my son was scared of him and brought the police home. My son doesn't know how to work. He laid on the couch and text, laughing at us going through storage, where I lost my keys to the car! All the while we were pulling storage out onto a tarp at 11pm, the keys were in the truck he was driving!
He has no one. Well a dog someone threw into a garbage dumpster. Gentle giant. This man is great at helping my mom who has the onset of dementia. We aren't good for one another, but I do have someone to enjoy life with and at times its great. I don't know what I should really do. I don't need to be living with him or vise-versa. We are having to move from a nice neighborhood because he continues to bring home things and washes them up, neighbors always want to get the things he brings home. It's weird. The city brought out ordinances that are ridiculous. Captured our guard dog with pepper spray, put him in the pound where he got the mange. Like jail, have to pay to get the dog back.
He is such a job seeker! Has many posts on Craigslist. Just a go getter. But people take advantage of his dedication to work. They don't pay him or fire him because he is fast and truly a special worker. He works himself out of a job. We will be moving today and hopefully it will get better. It seems obvious, but what are your suggestions?
I have thrown my most precious things to break. Beat myself with a metal shoe rack from ear to foot. I have continued to keep this man, even after my son was scared of him and brought the police home. My son doesn't know how to work. He laid on the couch and text, laughing at us going through storage, where I lost my keys to the car! All the while we were pulling storage out onto a tarp at 11pm, the keys were in the truck he was driving!
He has no one. Well a dog someone threw into a garbage dumpster. Gentle giant. This man is great at helping my mom who has the onset of dementia. We aren't good for one another, but I do have someone to enjoy life with and at times its great. I don't know what I should really do. I don't need to be living with him or vise-versa. We are having to move from a nice neighborhood because he continues to bring home things and washes them up, neighbors always want to get the things he brings home. It's weird. The city brought out ordinances that are ridiculous. Captured our guard dog with pepper spray, put him in the pound where he got the mange. Like jail, have to pay to get the dog back.
He is such a job seeker! Has many posts on Craigslist. Just a go getter. But people take advantage of his dedication to work. They don't pay him or fire him because he is fast and truly a special worker. He works himself out of a job. We will be moving today and hopefully it will get better. It seems obvious, but what are your suggestions?
Friday
Sponsor
1) I wouldn't say that someone saying they couldn't handle your reaction is placing the blame on you. Rather, that they're saying they themselves couldn't handle something places the blame on them. At least, if I say that I couldn't handle a job, my church, a friend, school, etc... I'm saying that it's me. Because I'm saying I couldn't handle it, I did XYZ.
Case in point, a friend was justifiably mad at me for something, so I cut off contact with them for several months. It's not their fault. I wasn't laying blame there, i wasn't punishing her... I just simply couldn't handle one more person being mad at me. It wasn't that she should not have been mad, or anything on her side at all. Like I said, it was justifiable. I was just at my limit. So I had to go and take care of myself.
2) One person's supportive isn't everyone's supportive. What's perfect for one person is the worst thing for another. Part of the whole dating process is finding out where those things line up, and where they don't work. Again, that's not anyone's fault, that's just how we're built. PTSD or no PTSD.
Case in point... I dated 2 guys. One's version of support was to laugh at me, call me an idiot, and take me out to the blue mats in the garage and spar until od had my ass handed to me often enough that I yielded. The other's version of support was to be an incredible listener, ask probing questions, be uber sympathetic, incrediably sweet, cook for me, buy me flowers to brighten my day, etc.
I couldn't stand guy #2's way of being supportive. Sympathy makes my teeth itch, being treated like I'm broken drives me absolutely insane, and the last thing on the planet I want to do is talk about it or be given "you're all fragile and delicate" gifts. Ugh.
Guy #1? I loved and adored the rough handling, good humor, let's go have some fun and work out some of this adrenaline in the dojo.
Does that mean that guy #2 was doing it wrong, or that everyone with PTSD needs to be laughed at and thrown around? Hell. No. In fact, most probably prefer the warm generosity and gentle handling of guy #2. I hope he found someone who really appreciates what an awesome guy he is. Because it was never going to be me. Just because something is perfect or worst for one person doesn't mean that's true for everyone OR that it's wrong to react that way. It's just different. People need different things.
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- #8
The way you described your "supportive" situations with men really helped me understand, FridayJones. Yes people need different things, people are different. I guess I don't or didn't really know what he needed because we did not communicate that tom each other. I think the best idea in any relationship, ptsd or not, is to try and effectively communicate your needs, thoughts and feelings. Though I do think when ptsd is involved that can be difficult for some. I think we were both at fault, blame on both, for not speaking up. I can understand his defense mechanism for pushing people away when he discloses his ptsd. Other women have shut him out, or told him to get over it, he was crazy. I would never say those things to him, I know it is not his fault and never would shut him out, but when I became quiet, offered no words he assumed I was one of "those" people that hurt him. Honestly, my lack of a response was due to not knowing enough about ptsd, not being educated on what it was. I literally was speechless. Hopefully we can talk it out and clear the air.
D
Deleted member 1860
I am a sufferer and I think that is the biggest bunch of SHIT!
The thing is that 99% of the time we aren't going to get the reaction we want because nobody is a mind reader and oftentimes there is simply nothing that can be said that will sound sincere.
I used to get so mad when people wouldn't give me the reaction I wanted when I disclosed my PTSD. And then someone disclosed their trauma to me which would pretty much blow a lot of other peoples traumas out of the water. Yeah, it was THAT bad. (Sorry to compare, but I don't buy into the all traumas are equal, all PTSD is equal banter.) She disclosed to me and I was speechless. I had no idea what to say....what COULD I say that would even begin to express my sorrow? From that day forward, I never judged anyone based on their initial reaction to my disclosure. Their subsequent support is really what matters, not the initial reaction when they are in shock about the news.
If he goes around judging people on how they react to his PTSD, he is going to end up alone, alone, alone. And that will be ALL on him!
The thing is that 99% of the time we aren't going to get the reaction we want because nobody is a mind reader and oftentimes there is simply nothing that can be said that will sound sincere.
I used to get so mad when people wouldn't give me the reaction I wanted when I disclosed my PTSD. And then someone disclosed their trauma to me which would pretty much blow a lot of other peoples traumas out of the water. Yeah, it was THAT bad. (Sorry to compare, but I don't buy into the all traumas are equal, all PTSD is equal banter.) She disclosed to me and I was speechless. I had no idea what to say....what COULD I say that would even begin to express my sorrow? From that day forward, I never judged anyone based on their initial reaction to my disclosure. Their subsequent support is really what matters, not the initial reaction when they are in shock about the news.
If he goes around judging people on how they react to his PTSD, he is going to end up alone, alone, alone. And that will be ALL on him!
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- #10
Solara. Thank you. That is how I felt all along..exactly..I had NO idea what to say..speechless. Not is a bad way..but just the way you stated it..what COULD I say..to express my sorrow and concern. My brother has been a person that I lean on and he said the same thing as you..he will end up alone, if he continues to judge and need a perfect reaction. Your words have really helped me..and made me smile. THANK YOU!!
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