Breaking Attachment To My Ex

[NicG]

Hi guys... this needs a bit of context so I'll try to not waffle on for too long!

I'm suffering post traumatic stress because of an extremely abusive past relationship (sexual, physical, emotional). At the start the guy was 20 and I was 17, the relationship lasted for 2 years. I was made to feel like I was worth absolutely nothing with this guy (which wasn't hard for him to do since I've had depression since primary school) and that nobody would ever love me because of what I'd done with him, and nobody would ever love me because I was generally an unloveable person. Thankfully these two guy friends came along and over a period of about 6 months helped me realise that I was worth more than what I was getting. They saved my life.

One of those guy friends I'm not really close with anymore, but the other one I started dating about 6 months later. Everything was great, I loved him and loved the relationship and I was happier than I've ever been in my life. But... then I found out that he'd cheated on me with 5 different people and lied to me about it for months. Which absolutely shattered me and any self-confidence I'd built up since ending the abusive relationship. This was a few weeks after my flashbacks and panic attacks had really started to kick in and affect my daily life.

I've broken up with the cheater, but I still feel like I can't be happy without him. Probably because I'm now almost 21 and the most happiness I've known since I was 16 (when the abuser was "grooming" me so to speak) has very much been a consequence of my friendship/relationship with him. I can't stop thinking about him and when he hurts me by messing around with the people he cheated on me with it makes my flashbacks and panic SO much worse. I just wanted to know, does anyone know any ways to possibly figure out what I'm REALLY worth, and to stop feeling like I need the jerk to be happy? And to stop feeling like its his standards I need to live up to?

 

[Teasel]

Sweetie you're worth just as much as anyone on this planet. It sounds like you've had a heck of a lot to deal with already in your life. So it's no wonder you're having a hard time feeling like you're worth a lot

I've felt just the same too. Took me quite a long time to realise that I don't have to let anyone else define my worth.

All the best to you and I hope you find the answers that help you deal with these difficult emotions

I can understand that you're finding it hard to stop thinking about him as when you wee first together was a happy time for you. But I think you can be happy again
Xx

 

[bell]

@NicG, start by doing things that make YOU happy. If you don't know what makes you truly happy, then try a bunch of things, like cooking, running, yoga, meditating, various crafts, going to church, volunteering, etc. See what makes you shine and then your sense of self worth will come along as you see the good that you are doing for yourself and/or other people.

At least that's how I did it. I realized that I needed to figure out what made me happy and worked from there.

You can do this!

 

[PinkSugar]

I just got out of a VERY similar situation. You go one day at a time, you tell yourself you know you're better, and that someone will love you more. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. Just know every day it will get a little easier. One day you will look back and realize that is was the hardest part of your life and everything you face after that will be easy.

 

[jesse]

I was in an abusive relationship for awhile (mental and physical) and the counselor I was seeing at the time recommended the book "Codependent No More" I don't remember author. When she recommended it I was puzzled because it seemed off topic until I read it. It helps with those answers as to why these things happen etc. If you can afford counseling that obviously helps to talk and realize you are not crazy too LOL. Good luck.

 

[NicG]

Jesse, I just looked up that book and it sounds very helpful! I definitely need better boundaries and from the sound of it it's quite relevant. Thank you!

This whole thread has really encouraged me... I'm going to go try some new things and hopefully help release myself from this a little bit.

 

[Teasel]

I wish you all the best NicG :))

An actually reading that book myself and have found it incredibly helpful. Hope you do too xx

 

[jesse]

Good luck I hope you are feeling better.