Breaking the back of corrosive self doubt...I have progressed enough to engage with this now.

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
You beat yourself up for back slides. You don't do that.

Slides back are just life.
You'll always be exhausted if you do that. And unhappy. Because life always throws something that has that effect.

It's where you moved and are going that matters.
Not that you got mini carried off course.

Boat off course without collision with another?
Is still a boat that made it thru the storm.
And that is sailing all smug and smooth.
 

ms spock

Sponsor
I guess this is where I got stuck beating myself up all the time to make myself smaller and safer. I click back here and it's true I am exhausted and unhappy. I just am vicious to myself.

It's like I am shut down and when I open up again I am swamped by stuff I have stuffed down or split off andthere's so much emotion anger and rage are two new ones. I cycle around and around. I feel so ashamed of my life and myself.

My partner was operated on and I am scared of doing the one thing that is wrong. I slept on the floor next to our bed because I didn't want to knock him. I was so tired when we went to bed I forgot to put something down.

I am having so many emotions. I am so ashamed of myself.

My poor body feels like it's on the verge of collapse. I am fighting off the corrosive self doubt.

A man exactly like my Father burnt his three kids and his ex partner to death. That is the fear that I have lived with all my life and I have a safe place now. I got rid of my sister who just gaslighted me and undermined me at most turns. The fear of losing B has been huge. I don't want to work as a teacher. I am too sensitive and emotional. I can't stand it when the adults are horrible or bigoted to the children. I am so anxious and stressed out. I am have little weeps of a few seconds here and there.

I have failed in my life. I am such a failure. I can't keep connections with other people. I can't stand to be in my body. I am flooded by all this stuff at the moment.

There's no reason that I am in such a mess and a place.
 
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ms spock

Sponsor
f*ck why couldn't my parents just have killed me? That would have at least been kinder. I wouldn't have to live with this eating me away inside. I can't be f*cking close to people. I trust the wrong ones and get totally f*cked over.

I should have stayed at home. My Father would have killed all us kids and my Mother and it would have been over. It would have been over. It's a f*cking life sentence this f*cking shit. And I am not lazy. I am not stupid. I am not not wiling to do the work. This is f*cking shitful and I hate it. I am so sad and tired. I am so f*ckING ANGRY.
 

Self-Determined

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you @ms spock for putting your anger into words. I feel something very similar. I’m so angry at the whole thing. At my parents for being abusive and avoidant, at my eX for being a sh*thead, at my boys for being rude, at my T for being above it all, at society for being cruel, at government for being corrupt, at corporations for being greedy, at predators for being evil. I’m so over it all! I don’t know what to hold onto anymore. All of my friends have someone to lean on, and I’m so glad they do. There is one person who is alive in my heart, who needs me, and that is my daughter. It has come down to this... but that one person is worth the world to me. So I have to reclaim my self worth for her. I have to try again. For her. I see it. But it has to be for me too at some point. But for now, I’m going to keep trying for her sake.

I’m rooting for you. Responding to your post helped me gain a thread of hope. You did that. Your bravery reached me. I’m so angry too and I’m going to keep trying because someone else is angry like me.
 

ms spock

Sponsor
I’m rooting for you. Responding to your post helped me gain a thread of hope. You did that. Your bravery reached me. I’m so angry too and I’m going to keep trying because someone else is angry like me.
Good on you! Way to go!

I am fighting now against the distorted cognitions, and it helps, lots of practice finally paid off. If you haven't read David Burns' book "Feeling Good" get yourself a copy and nail down those ten types of distorted thinking. It's really useful stuff.
 
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