Building A Social Circle

[Kefira]

I was thinking recently about the conversations my dad and I had before my grandfather's memorial a few years ago. I live across the country now, and I was planning to go back for it. And he responded with something well intentioned along the lines of "no one expects you to come if it's difficult (implied 'because you live so far away')". And I responded with "But I WANT them to expect me to come, because it's important and because I want to be a part of the family, not just an add-on who shows up when it's convenient".

I think this filters over into a lot of my relationships. Wanting to be known as a reliable and (dare I say) necessary part of the group, rather than a fringe tag along. I have a hard time keeping social commitments, particularly when I'm symptomatic, particularly with new locations or new/unfamiliar activities. In a social setting it's one of those things where over time people start to expect you won't be attending things, and then you lose the option to go because they don't bother to even check anymore. And I can't blame them- I understand it's exhausting having to put more energy forward than the other person.

That said, I'm in a situation where I'm moving and trying to build up a new social life. And while a number of the people who may become a part of my social circle seem very understanding and seem to get it to some degree, I'm dreading a repeat of my past patterns. Being that person who people are fine with when she shows up, but no one ever thinks to invite out. The person who is known for flaking out or for being standoffish when she does show up. Some of that is probably projection- I know I find myself to be much more socially awkward than others seem to view me, but I'm looking for ways to try to improve in socializing without overextending myself.

Has anyone had any success finding ways to continue to initiate social contact despite the difficulty many of us have maintaining relationships? Any tips on how to explain to people that you honestly do want to be able to participate but will go through periods where you just won't be able to?

 

[Recovery4Me]

:hug::hug: Just be you and consider what you would like to spend time in and you can build your circle around your interest. Some hobbies are seasonal like kayaking or hiking so if your mood allows attend what makes you happy. Every one has various commitments, so flashing a warning sign up front isn't necessary. Just have a repertoire of solid social bypasses such as:
a nice voicemail message,
a nice text message,
a nice e-mail ready for your D day (then just use and hit the send button),
if one on one -just offer you are over-committed at this time, have a project due, sorry you can't make it-ect,
or my absolute favorite that I can stutter when in a panic from CA.,"We have to do lunch soon!"

It's not hard with a little practice and acquaintances do not need to know my shoe size of mental health for the day, you know?:clown:

Hope this helped you to giggle. Just get out there.:hug:

 

[cupfish]

Make very few social obligations, but those you make, GO. I could have awritten your post, word for word. I think we can assume that new people with whom we socialize (where socialize = begin to trust, just a little tiny bit) actually want to get to know you, and they like our company. This is weird, because after abuse and abandonment, it's not just hard to trust, it is hard to believe you have worth. You do. The assholes who hurt you are not these new acquaintances. You are not expected to be perfect, to be a lifetime pal, or to cater to the other person to show that you are "normal." I think there are two stages in relationships, either romantic or friendly. Stage 1 is that we dip our toe in the water and try to develop a new relationship with someone. Stage 2 is that you trust them enough to tell them about CPTSD. For me, stage 2 has not gone well, except for with my husband who also had a lousy personal journey. Be very choosy, and show up. I am at the identical point, trying to build a life that is both safe, but not through self-isolation. This is hard stuff, we share so much. xxxx

 

[Kefira]

I think we can assume that new people with whom we socialize (where socialize = begin to trust, just a little tiny bit) actually want to get to know you, and they like our company. This is weird, because after abuse and abandonment, it's not just hard to trust, it is hard to believe you have worth.

This. And then you don't hear from people because they're busy and you won't pursue that contact as aggressively as is required because even if intellectually you know they're just busy and distracted, emotionally you feel it must be that you're undesirable.

Even with people who DO make an effort to consistently be in touch or get together it's so hard to believe it's not done out of pity or some sort of strange ulterior motive I can't piece together yet.

Be very choosy, and show up.

It seems like one must be VERY choosy. And even then it's partly luck. Part of the current struggle is the fact that I've lost so many people over the past year who I really believed were solid and would be there. Once it was no longer relatively convenient they were gone.

 

[moonbeam]

I can relate to this post so much. I often have trouble keeping social commitments especially while symptomatic and even worse if its new.

My solution for this was to explain a bit of why its an issue (more as depression and anxiety) and have actuality kind of built a social circle around meeting regularly at a specific place. Which sounds weird but when you think about it they do that in Cheers, and Friends, and tons of shows. A lot of UK shows feature people repeating the same local pub. Mainly this is done because its cheaper for sets. But its not actually that weird to do in real life.

Its much easier to get together when I know the place, what to expect, where all the exits are, etc. And if I miss some time I can just say so. And already know when the next meet up will be.

 

[Friday]

Has anyone had any success finding ways to continue to initiate social contact despite the difficulty many of us have maintaining relationships? Any tips on how to explain to people that you honestly do want to be able to participate but will go through periods where you just won't be able to?

I invite people. Nearly always spur of the moment.

Sometimes these things develop into patterns. A stay at home dad & I frequently split cooking duties... Because we'd potluck. We got on. Our spouses got on. Eventually it turned into a near weekly thing. But it started because "Hey. My brain won't turn on. What are you making for dinner?" We brainstormed for a bit, got the kids together, texted spouses where to find food, and drank wine and cooked.

Those are where I pure and simple have the best luck. Things that work out organically. There was a BBQ place near where I used to live... Show up in PJs 10 hours before they open? Have coffee with the owner & other locals (all in PJs. It was a quirky thing.) and leftover BBQ for breakfast. Started cause it was a block from my place, and I stumbled across it. Easy to become part of my day. Wake up, wash my face, throw on a pair of sunglasses. Stumble across the street and give an old man a hug or some lip.

I can't make something a part of my day. It has to already fit. And as long as I leave my house on a regular basis (not lately)... A whole lot of people in the world. Everywhere I go, there's just more and more people.

People are lonely. Almost universally... People are lonely. They want to be wanted. I may be crap at keeping appointments, and showing up to XYZ event... But I'm good at Inviting people along to what I'm already doing.

I just tell people... My schedule is really fluid. I rarely know in advance when I'll be free. I may turn down 4 invitations because "Damn. I can't. Wish I could." but I'm also generally issuing those same people a half dozen invitations. It's when I'm not issuing invitations, that what you describe starts happening.

Someone has to be really important to me to break either of those routines (asking the people who are around me at the moment, to whatever I happen to be doing next... Putting my schedule first, instead of changing my schedule to make their invite). I really only have space in my head for one or two "drop everything" people.

I get that most people are the opposite. Planning in advance is calming to them. It's acquaintances that get the planning in advance, and the special people who get the spur of the moment stuff. Shrug. Planning in advance stresses me out. & spur of the moment is calming. So that's what I do.