Childhood Bullied In School My Fault

[Deleted member 38242]

I was bullied really badly in school because I brought my inability to defend myself from the bullying at home with me. My family said it was my fault. I needed to be on a diet, or needed plastic surgery, but they couldn't afford it, or needed to smile more. They never cared about my grades, or education. It was ingrained into me that I was a problem from 4 on. As an adult it hurts, and it doesn't just go away.

Especially when the bullying never stopped until I lost it, and went into an insane asylum at 17, and then 35, (thenlastntime at 38 I needed to be safe, but those places are not safe ever. Then my dad wasnt so mean after 35, and stopped the fat jokes when I got as big as a size 6. My sister and brother went along with me being the focus of all family problems until this year. And I'm a flipping grown adult. My family made sure I'd be completely dependant on them by gaslighting me, and making me crazy.

I have memories that are split, fragmented, shattered, and nothing is congruent in my life. When I do put it together as a congruent story now with some education, and knowlege of people I can get suicidally depressed. "That's what happened" runs through me like electricity, and the emotional pain hurts my body. I think its to late, and I have no choice but to peel off the pastic wrap of perseptions they bundled me up in for their convenience.

But I'll always be a loser, and poor, and stupid, and worthless. That was ingrained in my neropathways. I don't think I can recover, or be rehabilitated into a normal world. They smell a fake someone who just doesn't belong. Embracing being a forever loser is hard when all your dreams get shit on.

I've always wanted to do something good with my life, but its too late, and that is just the way it is. I never had enough personal power to do anything about it. Yelling, crying, and going to psychologist to be put in a chemical straight jacket is all the support I ever got. Somedays, I think after nightmares I don't remember, I wake up sad with then reality that nurture verses nature made sure I would suffer kickd im.

And, to top it off I just found out something is wrong with my body and between my pops agent orange exposure, and my Moms alcoholism genetically I go towards major depression due to not digesting some essential vitamins, and amino acids right. I guess bread makes me depressed, and toxic due to synthetic folic acid. With processed foods toxins build up in my body that are linked to several mental problems. figures I used to make fun of the glutan thing, but its not glutan its the cheep synthetic vitamins enriched that causes bad reactions in me.

I give up. I wanted more from life even if I had to fight the pain to domit, but what is the point if your practically suicidal trying to get better. My dreams of being rehabilitated and living like everyone else are gone. I'm justntrying to not hurt anymore. I can't do it. I give up.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@MyDogsLoveMe Being bullied (which I had a bit of that in high school) was not my fault, nor was it your fault. No. I'm in pain at moment (from bike/car crash. I'll be back on-line hopefully if all goes well later in evening to share a bit more. My being raped, and sexually molested was not my fault any more than your being bullied was yours. I am not responsible for someone's else's offensive and crippling behaviors they glom on to other vulnerable and naive victims. And as I was in high school I was so very vulnerable, naive, and was ganged up on by a group of cheerleaders and majorettes because I was dating the football player of one of the cheerleaders and I was not friends with this particular cheerleader, did not even know they were dating. I did not deserve how I was bullied, nor do you. JJ

 

[ladee]

Maybe what you are giving up..is the dream of how you wanted your life to be.
And moving toward acceptance of the work we all have to do..if we have any chance at finding our purpose in life.
Its hard to see thru the dirty clogged filter of depression.
Our purpose and hope hasn't gone anywhere. We just get sidetracked by our pain and memories.
You are doing EMDR and have read here many times..it gets worse before it gets better. Then we read how empowered they feel afterward.
So hang on a little while longer...the paradox being...the only thing constant is change.
Gentle hugs.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

Thanks. I honestly have heard "why did they do that" with a look of shock, and disgust staring at me when I've told people later in life. But, I never hear it's not my fault. I've heard "they were really cruel to you" from my family because they had obnoxious I'm better than you hate. But, I don't think another human being said it was not my fault.

My last therapist even went so far as to point out my body language, and the fact I held my head down, but never said it wasn't my fault. Infact to the contrary they all figured out what was wrong with me to make it happen. Maybe an attempt to empower me, and so I could fix myself. But, even after I fixed myself the stigma remained, and with some poeople I will forever be shit. They may be gone, but it still haunts me.

People now see me, and get pissed because I should be so much better than I am, but with my perceptions of life I can't just be another person who was never hurt. I get complaments on my looks, and mind, and then the perception is that I'm a Lackie loser who lacks ambition, but all of my ambition went to surviving an impossible situation with strangers running around hurting me for fun. We never do know our school, or college, work bullies do we? They just want to feel what it's like to be big, mean, and strong.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

Maybe what you are giving up..is the dream of how you wanted your life to be.
And moving toward acceptanc...

Purpose seems like just to survive in a world I was never allowed in. Purpose seems like it left me standing there while others got to grow, and live, and not be scrutinized by complete strangers, and not be constantly worried when the next attack would happen. I just fight suicide, and pray for the next good moment. It sucks when others hurt your mind, and emotions for a good time. You become a thing that has no value.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I've had a lot of misplaced hate given to me. There is a point where bullying is a hate crime. Being on the other side of obnoxious I'm better than you anger, and hate hidden with a smile, and cruel laughter repeatedly the first 23 years of your life, continually with no way to escape, and then periodically for the rest of your life does something to a person.
I feel like my life purpose was to take the blame for everyone else's bad behavior in secret, or in public because standing alone against that many people getting off on hurting you is an impossible thing. There were just to many of them, and if repeated bullying happens you can't help but think it's your fault. Even if you were just trying to survive.

 

[Keming]

I was bullied really badly in school because I brought my inability to defend myself from the bull...

If being bullied was your fault, was being shot at mine? No.
We were broken. It is not our fault.

The task now is to build something better than they left us with. And it's hard because we've got shit to deal with. Harder than the normies know.

anecdotal: i picked skills i admired - martial arts, history, writing, gaming. then i studied, practiced. i'm not a martial arts instructor, and i'm not a history professor, and i'm not published, but the list of things I've tried and enjoyed is long, and interesting, and that's all that matters.

btw, it's okay to really Hate the f*ck out of those asswipes.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

If being bullied was your fault, was being shot at mine? No.
We were broken. It is not our faul...

Thank you that made me smile. I've been shot at a coupple of times, but it never hit Thank God. I live a bit more of a quiet life now, and pay attention to who I'm hanging around with. I still have issues with the few times I was raped being my fault, but grew up with a misogynist. I'm working on that..... Thanks again. I'll find things I enjoy again. That was a great point.

 

[Engineer]

Reading all this including the comments it brings back some pain. I too was bullied. It is wired into my brain that I don't matter. No matter what I do I will never be good enough. Constant struggle. I worry that I shall never feel proud of anything I do because I will always have their horrible insults and voices in my head every second. But, you must learn that your voice is in there too. Make it louder than their hate!!

 

[Freedomfighter]

I was bullied really badly in school because I brought my inability to defend myself from the bullyin...

So sorry for your pain, know how you feel. The vicious people I have to deal with assault me mentally and physically every day, ever since I reported a crime, which in their eyes was a crime to report it.
They are so vicious many times I don't know what is up or down when I get home. I know I deserve much better.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

So sorry for your pain, know how you feel. The vicious people I have to deal with assault me men...

So sorry I know how you feel. The vicious people I have to deal with assault me men...

It's tough. I didn't tell or report any of it, and I didn't know how far it would go. I didn't know even moving I couldn't make a new start. I know what that kind of stalking does especially because I have had to live with it.
People have a lot of friends, but I'd never ask someone to hurt someone for me, or do stuff like that for me. I'm learning it's kind of common. It's scarry sometimes when big men do that, and it's sad because face to face I've never met an enemy, but I don't know these people. I'm not squeaky clean, but I'm not a criminal either. I stopped partying, and am trying to take care of myself.
That electrical feeling when I get flashbacks is painful, and drinking I found out this year isn't helping. I hardly drank before this year though. I don't exactly know what to do. Sometimes the stalking isn't bad, but if I piss someone off I've noticed a text will be received around me in public, and someone gives me shit.
It's kind of weird to know it will never stop because I was put on medication, and didn't handle things right when I found out at 17, but some times the wrong medication can really mess up your head. I'm forgiving myself for that. I always thought I should be a comedian, but missed my calling. I don't mind making people laugh, but when it's because of my pain it's a hard pill to swallow. I may just start smiling and saying hi when it's obvious it's a stalker. Like I've said I never met an enemy to my face. People genuinely seem to like me. I know what your going through more than you can imagine.
I can't say how, but please understand the people doing this to us are human. It's hard not to get mad, hurt, confused, and scared for me, but I'm going to try to be brave. I'm not a criminal, but I'm no saint. Weird things happen to people like us. Im glad I found out what's happening to me, and that I'm not alone. There are a lot of us Freedom fighter.
I still don't exactly know what to do. I'm trying now to put my life together in this warped world I just found out about. I came to the conclusion yesterday to do things for myself like paint, and excersise (helps with the weird assaults, and body stress level), and I want to start volunteering as to help someone other than myself as well.
I used to dance all the time in my home, and be happy, and I miss that. I just felt like I was being watched in a negative light. How to word things with therapy is tricky so is don't seem insane, but I can get help there.
Your not alone. You can google group stalking, and see how sane you are compared to others going through this. It drives some people crazy. They think everyone is in on it, but it looks like untreated PTSD to me. Other stories I've seen are logical and more like mine. Keep your head up, and smile. Weed made you a criminal in CA last year, but this year is legal, so that's a loose term. I think there mad because it seems we don't like them, and so there going to make us suffer.
Just smile, and send love it's the only thing that's helped me in the past. We may never be sucessful, but we can be happy.... Hopefully
I just found out this past year, so it's been a lot to deal with, and makes sense why I felt like such a freak. I thought it was demons or something with my bad luck, but no it's just rumors, and small groups of people that know each other, and not me.
They leave me alone a lot sometimes. I seriously didn't know the position I put myself in. If it was that bad we would be dead. Love you as a fellow survivor. And yeah this shit put me on disability, and I'm horrified to be in a relationship because of it. Hugs and angels to you.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

Reading all this including the comments it brings back some pain. I too was bullied. It is wired into...

Freedom one of my stalkers lives in my apartment complex. She just had a baby, and is sweet as shit honestly. I think I'll make her cookies this week. We all have friends, and I'd never hurt this lady. She's just like us with her own problems of living. She could also beat me to a bloody pulp is she wanted, but has only given me minimum amounts of shit based on me acting out.
This year has been hell, and I wasn't in therapy, so my mind went wild. There not bad people. And I can honestly say my f*ck you attitude was sent right back at me. I had something happen this week, and got a wake up call as to what's important. It's ridicules how scared I've been, and over compensating for the fact that I am scared.
There not bad people sometimes, but it can be so scary when your alone. I had a bad one growing up, and it confused my perceptions.
Maybe making friendly acquaintances isn't bad. I have to live around them, and actually like the one girl I met. I've been a mess, and she heard me sobbing, and was really sweet.
I'm just now changing perceptions. But coming from a background of being poor in the wrong neighborhood, and getting bullied out of my mind by spoiled bitches. I can say it's not that bad on the other side sometimes. I'm almost 40, and finally safe enough not to be plucked up as a young woman to take advantage of. Age has it's benefits. And maybe we just didn't know. If we were that bad, or a threat we would be dead. Do no evil, and stay away from bad things. But maybe I have seen things through my eyes of trauma instead of clearly.
I said f*ck off, and they said it back. I didn't want to be hurt. I was afraid. I think I may try to enjoy being an old lady in the hood. I have a lot of friends there, and I didn't move away after this year because I know there not bad people. I have no right to judge.It's scary to try to perceive things differently. I'll always watch my ass, but what can I do. They didn't hurt me that bad. I just didn't know....
I won't be close, but I can be kind.