But a dream within a dream...

[TTC18]

I have had this recurring thought for years and years and years.... that everything that's happening is just a hallucination, and I don't know it. That some catastrophic event happened at some point, and I'm locked up in a hospital, in a coma or in a straitjacket, and everything that I perceive as reality is actually just my mind making up 'life' because I can't handle the reality --- This usually happens when life is good, and good things are happening. When I'm feeling really bad, I think of it as a weird idea that keeps coming back (like now). When I'm feeling good, it feels almost like reality. Like 'this isn't real, the really-real stuff is the bad stuff that's so bad I can't even remember it.'
I've wanted to ask someone about this forever I guess - but afraid to say anything because it sounds so nuts.

 

[ladee]

Took a lot of courage for you to ask the question!!

No, you aren't nuts. We all come up with things that help us cope until we are ready for getting into what causes the coping skills to begin with.

It does seem like a dream, this life we live. Pretending to be 'normal', what ever that means.

Hope you are getting some help, separating the 'dream' from what ever caused this to be a coping skill. Just know we are here for you. And we do understand.

Proud of you for taking the risk of sharing. A great start.

 

[TTC18]

I'm scheduled to see a therapist. Have already seen a psychiatrist and have a prescription on the way. I think it comes from a terror of anything happening to my kids. I visualize an alternate ending to every bad thing that's ever happened. Like - baby chokes on a cooked bit of carrot. In real life (I think) I did a quick finger-sweep and she coughed and then giggled and reached for more. For weeks after, I thought - what if I didn't actually do that? What if I actually, in real life, just stood there and froze and didn't know what to do? And she actually choked to death, and died in front of me, and my brain couldn't handle it, and so I just freaked out and lost it entirely, and I'm babbling on a street corner somewhere, pretending to myself that I actually was able to handle that situation, and gave it a happy ending instead of the real ending which was horrible? (And yes, this is a real example. That baby is all grown up now, living her own life. But sometimes when things are going well, and I've had a really happy golden day, I remember that moment, and wonder- is that where it all stopped? Maybe that's where real life stopped. And all of this is fake.) Ugh, it's a horrible thought. And I have a million scenarios that pop into my mind. Kids seem to put themselves in precarious positions all the time, especially when they're little, so it's fertile ground for a horrible imagination. And terrifying to think of so when I do think it, I cram it down realllly hard. And then I think 'That's exactly what I'd do if it were true!' And then I cram that down really hard, lol. And go on with my day - and all the while, I'm thinking, 'you know, this is exactly what I'd do if it were really true...'

 

[Deleted member 47099]

This sounds like "derealization". Are you aware that it's a symptom?

Derealization - Wikipedia

 

[TTC18]

This sounds like "derealization". Are you aware that it's a symptom?

I wondered if it was - but didn't know a name for it. 10 Googles of "Derealization PTSD' later, and I'm sold. What I've read pretty much describes the feeling that nothing's really real. It's like watching a movie - funny stuff happens and you laugh, sad things happen and you cry, and so on - but it's just a dream, and you know eventually it'll be over and you'll get back to real life. Except every day I wake up in the same dream.
Starting to look into this Pandora's Box of all the ways I'm broken is going to freak me out eventually, I think. I'm not there yet. Right now it's just 'Woah, that too?' - possibly because of the derealization thing, lol. So it's insulating me from freaking out about how bad I'm messed up. Which is good! That's why they call them coping mechanisms, I guess. LOL

 

[Deleted member 47099]

It's a relief when things fall into place a bit, huh? Just having a name for something and knowing others have it too can be like "phew!"

:hug:

Edit to add: Sorry you're going through this - it must feel awful. Please know that, as it's a symptom, it will get better over time/ with treatment and things will start feeling real again.

 

[TTC18]

Thank you - I don't think I know what 'real' feels like, honestly, so I think that'd probably freak me out more than anything else, hah. Before I started falling apart recently, I felt pretty safe in my nice comfy cocoon. Too many things at once broke it up and now I'm struggling to figure out how to cocoon up again. I know I *should* try to really fix all this stuff, and intellectually that makes sense, but - whew. There's a LOT of stuff. If I thought I could cocoon up again and be able to manage as well as I used to be able to manage, just not looking at any of the bad stuff, well, I'd totally do that. Now, however, I doubt my ability to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, to mangle a metaphor.

 

[sunshineandmoonshine]

I struggle with aspects of this.. you're not alone.

 

[shimmerz]

First thought that came to me was that this sounded like catastrophizing? Is that possible? If so, CBT or DBT would help I expect.

 

[somerandomguy]

It's weird because I just experienced derealization for the first time over the weekend. I was absolutely, 100% positive that I was either dreaming everything, or I was dead and in Hell. It was so unpleasant and destabilizing that I lapsed into catatonia, which has happened to me before a couple of times due to extremely severe triggers, but nothing like this. It was absolutely horrible and I can't imagine what it must be like to experience it regularly or all the time.

Once I was able to get out of my catatonia, I returned to normal within a few hours, but it was super scary.

 

[shimmerz]

but it was super scary.

Yes.

 

[TTC18]

catastrophizing

Well, it started after someone threatened my baby's life as a way to terrorize me - I think maybe part of me is afraid that he really went through with it - and part of me is stuck in a loop of fear that it's happened or is happening or will happen etc.

I was absolutely, 100% positive that I was either dreaming everything, or I was dead and in Hell.

That sounds really terrifying. :( I'm glad you're feeling better now.