C-ptsd: a love story

[ratachu345]

I've started seeing this amazing person, I don't want to say I'm in love because it hasn't been very long, but I care about them deeply. I feel like I've known them my whole life. We haven't had a lot of physical contact, as touching in any capacity is one of their triggers. This is foreign to me, I am an extremely affectionate person and not being able to act on it has both been hard but also rewarding when it does happen. I've been letting them take the lead in terms of intimacy and we've made small steps. This is the slowest I've ever gone with anybody ever and I have been more than okay with it.

We both have C-PTSD, I had a bit of counseling and have been on the road to healing for a few months now. They haven't been diagnosed, but a survivor knows a survivor when they see one. They haven't addressed what happened to them. They've told me what happened, but they aren't dealing with it. They don't know how to feel emotions properly and end up pushing it to the back of their mind. They'll either work themselves to death or self medicate in numerous (and often unhealthy) ways. I get it, I've been there, I'm still there sometimes. They said therapy hasn't worked for them(I'm just wondering if their trauma is so bad that they were just resisting it), so I'm not sure if they even want to try and get better at this juncture. I don't want to get into the realm of trying to fix them, because that's impossible. They have to fix themselves, but my co-dependent tendencies keep making me want to try.

I see real potential in what we have, which is rare for me. But here's the biggest hurtle at the moment. We're both working seasonal jobs on an island and we'll be leaving soon, we'll be hundreds of miles away from each other. We'll be back in 6 months, but I know they're not comfortable with the idea of long distance relationships. That doesn't mean we can't just be platonic friends and when we come back next year, we could try again.

My friends keep telling me to just stop seeing them because they have caused me so much anxiety. But I don't want to do that, they don't understand trauma and what it does to a person, how it can make them act and seem to be on the outside. When you know a person is special, you just know. My logic always overpowers my heart, but this has been the opposite for me. Am I deluding myself? Could this work out?

I guess I'm just looking for wisdom from other survivors about how to deal with this. How can I make this work? How can I support them with recovery? Should I listen to my friends? Should I follow my gut? I'm at a loss.

 

[mumstheword]

I think you do need to follow your heart and keep being honest and communicating. I am my partner both suffer from c-PTSD and I had to respect his pace a lot, but I did persist in being his friend, when relationship was something that frightened him too much (admittedly I was quite unwell as well and in crisis).
I needed to keep working on my own life and health though, while I was opening up to him.

We are currently living together and it's both beautiful and hard going. I'm going to branch out into my own separate uni/therapy/rigorous exercise regime soon with a room for myself in the next town, partly because I'm needing to NOT be in the codependent type of thing, and because he's like yours, not dealing with a lot of stuff in the best ways - overworking, no therapy, substance addictions. And I need to stay strong in my recovery journey and not get derailed by my entanglement with him.

I guess what I'm saying is, can you keep opening up to this person, build the friendship AND keep focusing on your own journey/recovery/personal development/life?

Honour your feelings, if this is a real thing, treat as the previous gift it is, but don't get swept away by the limerance because that will fade and you will still be left with navigating trauma-related issues x2. And that won't be kind or doable unless you have a measure of separation of issues and your own compartmentalized life and support structures.
Plan for the worst, in case things go very pear-shaped, but be open and work towards the best and most desired possible outcome, because you never know, this could be the best relationship that ever happened to you, I know mine is, despite our impairments :-).

 

[ratachu345]

I think you do need to follow your heart and keep being honest and communicating. I am my partner b...

This is very helpful and affirms what I've been thinking I should do.

Do you know if there's any way I could encourage them to seek help? Like, as a first step. To help them realize that life is worth it and working on themselves, while difficult, will lead to good things. They took too much acid (after already being in a bad place the past few days) the other night and their roommate and I had to talk them down from suicidal intentions. I told them how much I care about them that they need to address their trauma, they can't let it eat away at them. I don't know if they took it to heart or not. The problem is when they're sober, they won't talk about their feelings. They'll often deflect the questions I ask and get me distracted. How can I get them to stop avoiding my questions about their feelings? I've been just letting it go when they do this, figuring they just need time. But if there's something I can do, I want to do it.

 

[mumstheword]

If It's a guy, and I'm not taking for granted that it is, and at the risk of sounding sexist, then talking about feelings is probably the last thing he feels comfortable doing.
Guys are not very often culturally supported to feel comfortable about talking about feelings, at the best of times, so don't hold your breathe over that one.
I would suggest sharing and opening up yourself, about some vulnerable feeling stuff, as a way of opening the door to that, but don't pressure them to share.
Setting an example is a far less threatening way to encourage openness that prying or questioning about sensitive things or painful things.
Rather, see if there is anything they are passionate about or interested in and allow them to talk to you about that.
Strengths are much easier to focus on than vulnerabilities.
If you have some joy in your life, share that with them, talk about your own hopes, dreams, aspirations, interests, passions, progress, but don't invest too much in expecting them to facilitate your own hopes, dreams, aspirations, that could scare them off.
People with PTSD need a lot of room to move in relationships, or to retreat when necessary, so let them know you love spending time with them but you don't want to rely on them or put any pressure on them, until they indicate that that is something they are up for.

Your person sounds like their self-esteem is shaky (and that is a key feature of this condition so expect them to find you wanting to be with them hard to believe) so what you can do, without being too effusive, because that won't be believable, is just acknowledge their awesomeness in every way you can, but make sure it's genuine. Any too much praise or flattery is likely to come across as some form of manipulation and will be counter-productive and have the opposite effect to what you want, so give them compliments about things that you really truly find awesome about them, but don't overdo it.
I hope this helps :-) As for encouraging them to "get help" that is a very contentious area and certainly not something I'd recommend pushing at all. Get yourself as much help as you need and your shining example will surely inspire them and give them options without threat or cohesion. That stuff is all very tender ground and you need to tread veeeerrrrryyyy gently around it. Unless of course they are being absolutely a risk to themselves or others and then you may need to get help and get it fast.
My guy is very mature and seasoned and handles his shit very well, so it's not really an issue for me. But we are in our mid life years and have grown up children and stuff so we need to keep it together in a big way.

 

[ratachu345]

If It's a guy, and I'm not taking for granted that it is, and at the risk of sounding sexist, then...

It seems my instincts have mostly been correct, lol. I'll definitely stop prying and open myself up more. I feel like I've been an open book with them, but I'll stop trying to open them up and show them more of my pages. Often, L's (I'll refer to them as such from now on) emotional distance has triggered my abandonment issues, and as you said I can't see why they would want to be with me. So my brain assumes that every time they retreat, they're going to leave me or hurt me in some way. Now, I know that probably isn't the case, they have always stuck with me after both of our crazy moments have passed. It's getting better as our trust in each other grows. It's so hard for me to trust people, though. Everyone who I've ever cared for has either left me or hurt me and I'm so afraid that this will be the same.

Sorry if this is all of the place. I've only talked to my friends, so I have a lot of things going on in my head. They only hear about the bad things I've told them when I'm in anxiety mode and I need reassurance. They see how much pain L can cause me when I'm worried for their safety, but they don't hear about it when things are good. Sometimes it feels like there's two of L. The L that is guarded, sarcastic, and a bit of an ass (in the best way possible). But once in a while, I'll get a glimpse of this vulnerable person who wants to be loved and cared for. That's the person I'm falling for and that's the person my friends don't hear about because it's too private for me to share. They think the steps we're making aren't big enough. But I know that with trauma, especially with what they went through, any step forward is huge regardless of how it seems to others. How can I reassure them that I'm not crazy, that the anxiety that L is sometimes the cause of isn't their fault. I don't want them to get annoyed with me when I need to talk?

 

[mumstheword]

I think be careful about sharing too much of the negative stuff, i.e. behaviour of your friend L that is hard to cope with. Your friends and anyone that cares about you will naturally feel protective of you and not want someone in your life that just going to add a whole heap of stress and anxiety.
Can you talk to a counsellor or therapist about this relationship and all the hard stuff, instead of friends?

 

[ratachu345]

That makes sense. My insurance has temporarily been suspended so I can't see my therapist until that gets straightened out. Maybe this can be an exercise in self soothing and mindfulness.

 

[mumstheword]

That makes sense. My insurance has temporarily been suspended so I can't see my therapist until tha...

At least you have here :-) talk away about whatever is bothering you here and I guarantee it will be helpful and knowledgeable responses you get, and no fear of negative repercussions with oversharing that might hurt your friend or your relationships.
I've only been here about a week myself, but I can already feel a big lifting of horrible symptoms and anxiety.
There's a ton of good articles and wisdom to be gleaned here and it might just be the knowledge you can share with your special L and bring a whole lota light and hope into their life.
One of the worst and most debilitating things (other than horrid ruminating, hypervigilance, flashbacks, underconfidence, etc) I find, is the shame that so often goes with this condition.

This website is great for starting to dispel that shame, isolation and loneliness of suffering so much, without the right kinds of support and understanding. So vent and ask and read and feel free to share whatever's burdening you or overwhelming you here.:-)

 

[ratachu345]

At least you have here :) talk away about whatever is bothering you here and I guarantee it will b...

Yes, I'm glad I found this place and that it seems to be pretty active. Ever since my diagnosis, I've felt pretty alone. It's felt good to know what's been wrong with me all these years, but also alienating since few in my life understand what actually goes along with it. That's why I feel so comfortable with L. I can let my crazy show, I don't have to pretend to be okay all the time because I am often not. I think this site will be a great asset in the future.

Thank you for your help, this was very informative.

 

[mumstheword]

It seems my instincts have mostly been correct, lol. I'll definitely stop prying and open myself up...

It sound like you have a huge amount of compassion for your special L :-)
The beauty of being with a fellow sufferer/survivor is that you can offer each other peer support, which is one of the most effective kinds of support, in terms of therapeutic approaches to recovery.
So long as you reach out and get the support you need, regularly and effectively, you will probably be able to be there, in a truly meaningful and helpful way, for your lovely friend.
Focus on their strengths and their beauty as a person, as much as you can.
And don't forget to apply, at least, the same level of compassion and understanding to yourself. YOU are lovable! YOU are awesome! And why wouldn't someone you find special and valuable want to be with you?
You are amazing and valuable, even and also because of your wounds and struggles.
Remember to give yourself love and acknowledgement just as you would for your beloved L :-)

 

[UniqueSunflower]

I've started seeing this amazing person, I don't want to say I'm in love because it hasn't been ver...

I have also experienced a co-dependent tendency to want to "help" a partner heal when we have been at different stages of recovery. If the relationship feels reciprocal and safe, maybe just see where it goes. I have the tendency to over analyze my interpersonal relationships to the point that I eventually talk myself right out of them (in most cases, it's been for good reason). Trauma can make us doubt ourselves though it can also give us increased awareness in being able to detect things in relationships that could be leading us down a dark path. I have found that when the other person isn't ready to do the necessary work, at some point the amount of one sided energy being given (usually from me) becomes exhausting and I have to distance myself. In some cases, it just means doing what you need to do to take care of you and if they are committed to making it work, they will also move toward you.