SeekingSerenity
Diamond Member
I'm married to a combat vet with Severe combat PTSD.
Only difference is that I'm the husband. And she's the wife. You guys can do a search of my posts over the last few years to see how things developed, but I'll just say that it wasn't an easy path.
We had been living together for a couple of years, and I loved her. Then stuff started getting really bad with her, and I couldn't figure out why. Eventually she up and left me. Moved back to her original home in another continent. I fell apart, badly. I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety disorder, and really bad insomnia. I met the most amazing shrink who got me through it, and she also went to a shrink who made the diagnosis of combat PTSD. I know what some of the guys are thinking, she's a girl, how can she get combatPTSD? Well she did, she saw direct action. Enough said.
She made the decision to get help, and she worked really hard with her shrink to get stuff understood and how to try and deal with them. I found this forum, and learned as much as I could about PTSD, so I could be the best supporter I could. I am also a combat vet, different war, different country, and I never experienced anything near what she did, but I consider myself lucky that I could at least try to understand her.
I do have some advice. Firstly, learn everything you can about PTSD. What are the points of diagnosis? How does it work in their minds? What are their triggers? (this will be very difficult in the beginning, as even just telling you what a trigger is can sometimes trigger them). Learn about dissociation, learn about the PTSD cup (Anthony has a brilliant description on this forum) and know how it works.
Secondly, accept that nothing you can say or do will be a quick-fix. Even if your vet is undergoing great treatment with a specialized Combat PTSD shrink, it is going to take a LOT of time. And meds, they need meds. Sometimes they have to try 5 or 6 or even more different meds before they find one that works for them. And then the meds will not cure them, it will only help to make the condition more manageable.
Thirdly, this is for life. If you cannot see yourself dealing with this with your spouse for the rest of your life, get out now. Very few PTSD sufferers ever get a full cure. Most just learn how to control it, but they will still have their bad days, their off days. You have to accept that, and know how to deal with it.
Fourthly, dont expect your vet to tell you about the stuff that happened to cause their PTSD. If you were not there, then they think that you will never understand. And they are right, unless you were there you wont fully comprehend the terror, or the emotional pain, or whatever else they have gone through. Accept that you may never know, and stop asking. It will mean a lot to them that you can accept that their pain is theirs. Only after almost three years of marriage has my wife told me some of the shit she went through. And I know she'll probably never tell me all, even though I'm a man, even though I was also in a war. I accept that.
Fifth. You have to be consistent. If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you say you won't ask about something, don't. Ever. Your vet needs to know that you are a rock, he needs to know that you say what you mean, you stick to your word, he needs to trust you like he trusted his buddies back in the war. And when he does, you will see a diffence. Never, ever, break that trust. If he tells you something and asks you to keep it to yourself, then keep it to yourself. Never tell another soul. Ever. Have I stressed that enough?
Sixth. You need to give your vet space. When he is having a bad day, think about the PTSD cup, and what it signifies. Don't do something to make it overflow. Don't be the cause of the outburst, if you can help it. If your vet trusts you, he will come to you when he can, not before. Remember he doesn't want to hurt you, and he also doen't like you seeing him so messed up, so he will want to push you away. This is just his survival mode. Its all he can do to just breathe, so give him the space he needs. He'll appreciate that. He needs that.
Somebody above mentioned their vet and large groups of people. This is very common with PTSD. Learn about hypervigilance, and you'll understand why crowds freak them out. You'll understand why they need to sit where they can see the door, back to a wall, stuff like that. Its the survival instinct, its their training. They need to be able to see when danger is coming, and be able to protect you, and themselves. Its not their fault, its not that they are screwed in the head, its just PTSD. Accept it, live with it, and make allowances for it.
Finally, for now (there is a lot more, but enough for now), learn all you can about PTSD. Have I mentioned this before? Am I repeating myself? Yes, I am, because its THAT important. Unless you know whats going on with your vet, and why, you will not be able to be a good supporter, and the chances are that you will fail in your relationship, because you will inadvertantly cause their cups to overflow, and when that happens too often, they will need to remove that issue. Its not because they don't love you, its because they need to be able to live, to stay alive, and they cant do that if their cup keeps running over.
Respect your vet, respect their condition, and do your best.
Due to my work, and because I try to be there for my wife, I don't spend much time here anymore. But I'll try harder to log on more often, maybe try to share some of my experiences, maybe they can help others. I know the heartbreak and the feeling of such helplessness when my sufferer suffers. I've been there, and I still go there, more often than I like. But Each day I keep trying, and I never give up, because she IS the love of my life. And I'll never leave her. You see, I promised her that, and she trusts me. And that is what love is all about.
Peace.
Only difference is that I'm the husband. And she's the wife. You guys can do a search of my posts over the last few years to see how things developed, but I'll just say that it wasn't an easy path.
We had been living together for a couple of years, and I loved her. Then stuff started getting really bad with her, and I couldn't figure out why. Eventually she up and left me. Moved back to her original home in another continent. I fell apart, badly. I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety disorder, and really bad insomnia. I met the most amazing shrink who got me through it, and she also went to a shrink who made the diagnosis of combat PTSD. I know what some of the guys are thinking, she's a girl, how can she get combatPTSD? Well she did, she saw direct action. Enough said.
She made the decision to get help, and she worked really hard with her shrink to get stuff understood and how to try and deal with them. I found this forum, and learned as much as I could about PTSD, so I could be the best supporter I could. I am also a combat vet, different war, different country, and I never experienced anything near what she did, but I consider myself lucky that I could at least try to understand her.
I do have some advice. Firstly, learn everything you can about PTSD. What are the points of diagnosis? How does it work in their minds? What are their triggers? (this will be very difficult in the beginning, as even just telling you what a trigger is can sometimes trigger them). Learn about dissociation, learn about the PTSD cup (Anthony has a brilliant description on this forum) and know how it works.
Secondly, accept that nothing you can say or do will be a quick-fix. Even if your vet is undergoing great treatment with a specialized Combat PTSD shrink, it is going to take a LOT of time. And meds, they need meds. Sometimes they have to try 5 or 6 or even more different meds before they find one that works for them. And then the meds will not cure them, it will only help to make the condition more manageable.
Thirdly, this is for life. If you cannot see yourself dealing with this with your spouse for the rest of your life, get out now. Very few PTSD sufferers ever get a full cure. Most just learn how to control it, but they will still have their bad days, their off days. You have to accept that, and know how to deal with it.
Fourthly, dont expect your vet to tell you about the stuff that happened to cause their PTSD. If you were not there, then they think that you will never understand. And they are right, unless you were there you wont fully comprehend the terror, or the emotional pain, or whatever else they have gone through. Accept that you may never know, and stop asking. It will mean a lot to them that you can accept that their pain is theirs. Only after almost three years of marriage has my wife told me some of the shit she went through. And I know she'll probably never tell me all, even though I'm a man, even though I was also in a war. I accept that.
Fifth. You have to be consistent. If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you say you won't ask about something, don't. Ever. Your vet needs to know that you are a rock, he needs to know that you say what you mean, you stick to your word, he needs to trust you like he trusted his buddies back in the war. And when he does, you will see a diffence. Never, ever, break that trust. If he tells you something and asks you to keep it to yourself, then keep it to yourself. Never tell another soul. Ever. Have I stressed that enough?
Sixth. You need to give your vet space. When he is having a bad day, think about the PTSD cup, and what it signifies. Don't do something to make it overflow. Don't be the cause of the outburst, if you can help it. If your vet trusts you, he will come to you when he can, not before. Remember he doesn't want to hurt you, and he also doen't like you seeing him so messed up, so he will want to push you away. This is just his survival mode. Its all he can do to just breathe, so give him the space he needs. He'll appreciate that. He needs that.
Somebody above mentioned their vet and large groups of people. This is very common with PTSD. Learn about hypervigilance, and you'll understand why crowds freak them out. You'll understand why they need to sit where they can see the door, back to a wall, stuff like that. Its the survival instinct, its their training. They need to be able to see when danger is coming, and be able to protect you, and themselves. Its not their fault, its not that they are screwed in the head, its just PTSD. Accept it, live with it, and make allowances for it.
Finally, for now (there is a lot more, but enough for now), learn all you can about PTSD. Have I mentioned this before? Am I repeating myself? Yes, I am, because its THAT important. Unless you know whats going on with your vet, and why, you will not be able to be a good supporter, and the chances are that you will fail in your relationship, because you will inadvertantly cause their cups to overflow, and when that happens too often, they will need to remove that issue. Its not because they don't love you, its because they need to be able to live, to stay alive, and they cant do that if their cup keeps running over.
Respect your vet, respect their condition, and do your best.
Due to my work, and because I try to be there for my wife, I don't spend much time here anymore. But I'll try harder to log on more often, maybe try to share some of my experiences, maybe they can help others. I know the heartbreak and the feeling of such helplessness when my sufferer suffers. I've been there, and I still go there, more often than I like. But Each day I keep trying, and I never give up, because she IS the love of my life. And I'll never leave her. You see, I promised her that, and she trusts me. And that is what love is all about.
Peace.
Last edited:
