Can’t speak.

[watundah]

Yeah, very frustrating and hard to keep pushing on when hitting such resistance. They are supposed to be the experts and help break through but it isn't always so easy. I tried a different therapist as a test but felt the same defenses coming in to play.

Do you trust her and is there anything she can do? Ive even heard of Ts turning their backs to clients to help them feel more comfortable.

 

[BoN-bOn]

@watundah , sometimes I think it would be easier if she was closer like beside me or something, so I wouldn’t have to say things as loud. I trust her. It’s certainly frustrating on both ends & it kills me to see her getting upset & frustrated. She assured me that the frustration is not with ME & that she wouldn’t give up on me. I have also told her that I feel like it wouldn’t change if it were someone else...whatever this defense is, wherever it’s coming from is important I think, & I hope I can get to the bottom of it eventually. I know there’s a voice down there somewhere?!

 

[shimmerz]

sometimes I think it would be easier if she was closer like beside me or something,

Interestingly enough, when I go mute, I can write. Have you tried having a paper and pen or something with a keyboard with you at T's?

 

[NightSky]

How long have you been with your T? I’ve been with mine 2.5 years and I’m slowly getting better. She sees a thought I’m not saying and gently encourages me to say it. That’s what eventually led to me shedding a tear for the first time last month. And even though i cried a little and couldn’t speak, we kept coming back to it and she kept pushing me enough that i managed to say some things even though i cried through it the next session. Now i feel a little more free to talk because I’m not petrified of melting down. Words still get really stuck and i suspect I’ll always be much better at writing an email than speaking in session. But i think it’s one of those things where time spent and trust built and small vulnerabilities build a strong foundation for slowly speaking more and more.

 

[BoN-bOn]

Interestingly enough, when I go mute, I can write. Have you tried having a paper and pen or something...

I have some really good writing skills @shimmerz ! :) I haven’t tried writing during sessions though

 

[deeplyloved]

Some of the things I learned in this forum are writing it out, starting each session immediately with the hardest topic and asking my therapist for help getting it out. I send an e-mail the night before my session (or earlier if something big comes up). In the email, I blurt out what is most pressing for me and ask her to please bring it up in session and help me stick with it until I get the words out. When eye contact feels too hard, I cover my face, close my eyes or look at something else in the room. Starting with the hardest thing gives me enough time to regroup before the end. Once I experienced how gentle and caring my therapist responded to my most shameful memories, it started to get easier to share. One time her response missed the mark, and I didn’t realize it until the next day. I’m a slow processor! We talked on the phone and repaired and reconnected and things got even better. Trauma therapists really are experts at this!

I frequently ask my therapist to remind me I can do it. We say out loud together that I will not die from telling secrets or feeling emotions. I realize it sounds ridiculous, but there is a part of me still feeling terrified of the risk.

You can start with smaller, less painful memories and build trust slowly...or consider ripping the scab off and starting with the worst. You deserve the experience of loving, empathic witness. It changes everything...

 

[BoN-bOn]

Some of the things I learned in this forum are writing it out, starting each session immediately wi...

Good tips @deeplyloved ! I email a LOT. Usually during the times that thoughts & feelings just come pouring out. She is very responsive to email but she really wants me to find my voice & be able to just TALK to her the way I am able to write about things. I understand the feeling of being terrified & feeling silly about it. I really want to work on this.

How long have you been with your T? I’ve been with mine 2.5 years and I’m slowly getting better. S...

Sharing tears is pretty special to me too @NightSky , because I don’t just do that with anyone. Being able to share those deep emotions with someone even when you can’t say a word has to be a step in the right direction I think.

 

[deeplyloved]

Good tips @deeplyloved ! I email a LOT. Usually during the times that thoughts & fee...

That’s good! You’re communicating. My T wants me to talk also and she explains how it uses/accesses a different part of my brain. She did finally allow me to write but not talk about one memory that was causing nightmares and a lot of shame. I tried for weeks to tell her and was having increasing anxiety attacks. She told me to please write it down and try to read it. When I couldn’t read it, she asked me to send it to her. She called right away to tell me how sorry she was, how brutal it sounded and how glad she is I survived. We have since referred to the event, but not directly talked about it yet. I guess I needed to know she would still respect me. I will keep trying each week, but at least the pressure valve has been released a bit. It’s living outside of me now instead of trying to consume me from the inside.

Sharing tears is pretty special to me too @NightSky , because I don’t just do that...

It is a very big step in the right direction! You feel safe enough to access and express your emotions in her presence. That is huge.

It’s too bad your therapist is expressing so much frustration with you. I’m sorry. I hope you can keep talking about your experience of speaking (and sometimes puking!) through the wall of fear. She needs to avoid personalizing your struggle, you know? If we learn it’s dangerous to tell, it goes deep...we can’t just flip a switch and turn it off.

 

[MisterCatLady]

I had a therapist dump me over this. I went straight to a different therapist saying “I can’t talk and I want to get better” so when I can’t talk we talk about the fact that I can’t talk and we peel it back layer by layer. I’ve been with her for 2 years now. I have another therapist that I do EMDR with. When I can’t talk she pokes at the topic until she’s pulled enough out to help me talk about it.

It bothers me that your therapist is frustrated with you over this. That is only going to make it worse.

 

[Lamename01234]

Yes this would happen to me. My t said it was a part of my brain shutting down. One thing that helps me with talking about very difficult subjects riddled with shame and dissociation. Is to build up tolerance. I might talk for a minute (literally) then we take a break and chit chat, or sip water, we always take a breath together and make eye contact if only for a second.
At first my t would interupt me and say let's take a break. Until I learned to pay attention to body and learned to recognize when I needed a break. The break is however long I need to be, 30 seconds or 5 minutes. If I feel I can say more, we will pick up where we ended or not.
Don't feel like you need to sit down and talk about difficult emotions, thoughts, feelings, actions, past or present for 55 minutes.
There is no right or wrong way, no good or bad or judgement.
Think about a kid at the ocean and you watch them for the first time go in the ocean and they get knocked over by the waves. Then they learn slowly by keep going back into the ocean to stand up against the waves and dive into them or ride them into the shore and they don't get knocked down as much and if they do they know how to get back up and keep playing or go back to the shore and take a break. It is all okay.
I think of my trauma therapy this way.

 

[BoN-bOn]

I had a therapist dump me over this. I went straight to a different therapist saying “I can’t...

That’s terrible @MisterCatLady , I feel like we just can’t help it. I’m glad you found another one who is being patient with you.

 

[BoN-bOn]

Maybe I should just work on taking a little at a time @Lamename01234 , instead of thinking I have to sit there & talk about painful stuff the entire hour. I think the pressure of knowing I only have an hour to get it all out makes me anxious sometimes too. We have actually done better outside the office than inside on the big couch.