General Can A Sufferer Explain This For Me?

[Fantabulous]

I'm friends with a combat PTSD sufferer (D). If you've read my past posts, it's the same guy. We're still connected, definitely NOT in a relationship (or even working on one) but I recently moved back to our hometown (where he lives) so we now live closer to each other. That may or may not be an issue...

We keep in touch via texting, and I think I've seen him twice in the past 6 months total. It's the usual pattern...he gets talkative for a week or two, then I don't hear from him for a week or two. I've decided that's just how our communication pattern is going to be. In any case, it's a 20 year friendship I don't want to end, so I won't.

This is what I need help understanding: For the past several months, he's seemed more distant in his communication with me. His answers are generally short, few words, and not very descriptive, even when talking about mundane things. He's also been working a lot of long hours/overtime and he says he enjoys it. Tonight we were texting and I said something about love (not between me and him) and he said that he likes good sex (yes, I know that). So I asked if he likes love and he said "not yet". (He uses the answer "not yet" a lot, instead of a "yes" or a "no"). I finally just threw it out there and asked him where have his emotions gone because he's been seeming really distant/emotionless lately.

His answer: "Away".

Sufferers, what does that mean? He's obviously not in a place where he can explain it to me, and I don't know if anything major has happened in his life that's causing this or not (he says he's not prepping for a deployment). Can any of you who are better at explaining PTSD related emotions maybe explain this to me? I'm not trying to figure out if it's about me or not...I'm just really curious about being emotionless like that. I know him well enough to know that he won't be able to explain it to me and he won't respond well to me asking him to. So I'm just going along with what he's saying, but I'm also trying to wrap my head around it. Seems like it would be bothersome to have your emotions go "away", but I know PTSD is different. Also, what's up with saying "not yet" a lot? Is that a PTSD thing?

Sufferers, have you ever been in this space before? Do you mind telling me what it's like and what changes it? I'm curious to learn more and know how to be a supportive person in his life.

Thanks all!
Fantabulous

 

[CMarie]

Wow! I wish I had a friend like you. Trust me it's not you.

I know being a female I express my PTSD feelings more than I should. Mostly rage & angry. Men are different. They suppress their feelings. They are short with their answers just because they are men. It appears to me he is emotionally numb & feels hopeless when it comes 2 ever being loved by any 1. I can completely relate to that.

Up until recently I use to feel...how can any one love me when my own mother never told me she loved me or how can any one love me when I am damaged goods with PTSD all caused by what evil people did to me beginning when I was just a little child.

A friend tried to help me a few months ago while going through a horrific custody case. He called me while I was flipping out. He stopped at my home to hug me. I wouldn't let him. I told him no to get the F away from me before I knocked him out. He tried to make me hug him, but I just stood there with my arms down. I told him I was numb. I felt nothing anymore. It's a horrible way to feel.

On Saint Patrick's day 2006 I took many pills that should have killed me. I woke up 2 days later in my bed so mad I was alive. My granny passed away 5 years later on the same day I tried to take my life. That made me finally get it. She & the Lord were telling me it was going to be okay to not ever do that again.

After many years I finally found a wonderful psychologist. I played the wacko psychiatrist & their wacko therapist game 4 yrs, but got nothing but disrespected by the "doctors". I told one he was lucky I knew if I jumped over his desk smashing his face in I would be the one going to jail. This was after he told me to grow up others have it worse than me. I asked him if he was ever sexually abused. He stupidly asked what does that have to do with anything. I said I just told you about my life full of sexual abuse telling him I was beginning to think he was a predator.

Its hard to click with a great therapist, but it sounds like your friend needs one because us PTSD survivors tend to push people away on purpose because again we feel like we don't deserve to be cared about.

Another problem is most men won't seek counseling. I hope I helped with your's. If you have any more ?'s don't hesitate to ask me. Best wishes to your friend & you.

Don't ever give up on him. He needs you. I pray God & Jesus guides him to a better place on this earth.

 

[Cufflinks]

Being a male veteran and suffering I recognize some of your friends issues. Military training is all about training the flight or fight response to stress to result in fight. This gets transferred to just about every situation we're faced with. The military conditioning also trains people to leave the dead behind and get on with things. Not necessarily physically dead but no with empathy for a situation. Hence when things upset him he numbs himself. I presume your friend is also suffering from flashbacks and the emotional stuff. Keeping the answers short helps keep the flashbacks and emotions in check. Working too much is a coping strategy. The "not yet" response is a positive rather than a negative as it implies hope.

 

[Fantabulous]

I know he used to see someone for therapy and meds for sleep, but I have a suspicion that he's not seeing a therapist currently, which may be part of the problem. In the past, every once in a while he'd open up (usually after a few beers) and talk about what he wants to do (buy a house, build a house, retirement ideas, etc) and he's even shared a few things that he and his therapist has talked about. He's never told me about his combat experiences (I know just a couple of details from him, and I know some other details from a news story related to an incident that most likely involved his friends but not him). Since he's been a lot less talkative lately and working a lot more hours I get the feeling that he's not going to a therapist and he's taken a few steps backwards with his coping skills. I could be wrong, but that's the sense I'm getting.

I like the fact that "not yet" implies hope...I hope HE feels as though there's hope.

 

[Abstract]

I agree that "not yet" shows hope. I think cufflinks has said much that is useful to say.

I think closing down can be precipitated by many things. His symptoms may be worse. More flashbacks and hypervigilence means less energy to communicate, more instinctual fear and avoidance and more numbness. Numbness is exactly what it sounds like. But it is painful in my opinion. I find it hard to explain how one can be numb and it be so painful at the same time. Sometimes nothing is to blame for worsened symptoms. Sometimes self care or external circumstances (triggering) contribute.

The other factor that could be involved is depression.

Good luck!

 

[Cufflinks]

There is a video which if you haven't seen it will explain a lot about the combat PTSD. How we're almost programmed for it and whilst it's aimed at ex-forces the messages in it are powerful and help make sense of the mess we find ourselves in.

 

[myvetswife]

This video opened my eyes with my veteran husband after beeing 20 years together and even helps our 12 year old son how to react on some things with his dad.

 

[Cufflinks]

This video opened my eyes with my veteran husband

My wife watched it and her reaction was "I already knew that" and "you obviously think that civilians are the lowest of the low".
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm the one with the problem!!!

 

[myvetswife]

Civies are different. Maybe I'm more pro military and want to understand more. I don't know.

 

[Cufflinks]

But I left the forces over 20 years ago!!! It's the mess that I'm dealing with now and I never knew that there were things that I needed to "re-program". These days all the guys get this as part of their wind down period in Cyprus and also when they leave. In my day we didn't get this.

 

[Anna]

I finally just threw it out there and asked him where have his emotions gone because he's been seeming really distant/emotionless lately.

His answer: "Away".

Sufferers, what does that mean?
Sufferers, have you ever been in this space before? Do you mind telling me what it's like and what changes it? I'm curious to learn more and know how to be a supportive person in his life.

I have PTSD but not from combat, so I can give you my personal experience and view. This is just my personal opinion though.

I cannot love anymore, well not like that. I find it very sad. I care about people, especially my children but I do not feel romantic love towards my partner or that kind of sloppy stuff like "normal" people do. I do not get attached to things. It is like you harden up.

I think like it is a self survival mechanism that kicks in for self preservation, if you get attached to things, they may leave you, make you soft and your brain just does not allow it to happen. You become someone else, you are no longer the person you once were, people have to accept that. I dunno, you just feel numb, it is weird, people ask you if you care anymore, I mean you do care, but about different things. It is like you see the bigger picture and sometimes people can annoy you when they seem to worry about meaningless things, but then I realise for them that this is a big problem and even if it annoys me it is a problem for them. I have to accept they are different to me just like I am different to them. Acceptance and tolerance.

 

[Abstract]

There is a video which if you haven't seen it will explain a lot about the combat PTSD.

Cufflinks,
This was very interesting and enlightening so thank you for sharing. I had started wondering at the difference in some of us with childhood trauma PTSD and combat. Some it is personality without a doubt but reading this made me realise that I was trained into a freeze response just as you were trained into a fight. Both extremely problematic for normal living and relationships.

I have to say that hearing what is done to you sickens me. I hope that is not offensive as I understand the necessary. I just find it disturbing. And it is awful that no one told you or prepared you and you have had to struggle with the realisations.