Relationship Can A Supporter Help Me?

[oneandonlyMOM]

After responding to a supporter, I need to do something special for my husband. Often, he deals with me at my worst. I get caught up in my head and forget that everyone has issues. I had struggles long before I was diagnosed with PTSD. What can I do to express my love more? And to acknowledge that my brain goes straight to avoidance when he brings up valid concerns.

 

[shell]

I wrote my husband a letter, to thank him for all he does, and to show him I understand how difficult life has been since PTSD took over my life.

He cried when he read it, and he kept it.

He told me when ever he is feeling bad due to me going through a bad time, and he is feeling down, he reads it again, cries a little more. It helps to remind him that even when I can't express it, I really do love him and appreciate all that he does and that I understand all that he is going through because of me.

 

[myvetswife]

I feel very loved from my husband when he tells me when he starts feeling an episode is creeping up. He doesn't have to really talk to me only a "I feel it coming" so I am prepared for everything

 

[who am i kim]

:hug::)When I remember and this probably occurs on one of my better days, I tell him that I love him. It Is like every now and then I tell him as usually I am dealing with my own stuff and forget to acknowledge him otherwise. He is my rock and he knows that I love him. I also will give him hugs and kisses to randomly. Sometimes it can be awhile between them but he eventually gets them.

 

[who am i kim]

I thought of something else you could do, spoil him when you remember it. Simple things like his favourite food, mine loves his packet of chips, or a drink, movie, or do something for him that he usually does. These only need to be done every now and then.

That is what a marriage is about Loving each other and as my other half says putting up with the other stuff. He is a saint for putting up with all he has had to deal with over the years. We have now been married 32 years, when we first started out we never knew what was wrong with me, the symptoms where milder back then too. It has only been in the last 10 years that we really know what is wrong with me now. We are on the road to healing the past within me now and he holds my hand every step of the way.

 

[oneandonlyMOM]

Thank you for your responses. I've taken some time to let it all sink in. He is at work today, so I am going to plan dinner. Also, I want to get some thoughts on paper to address my struggles and hopefully I can reassure how much he means to me.

 

[oneandonlyMOM]

What top questions should I address in my letter?

 

[PDX Dad]

As a husband who hasn't received such a letter but would love to, the overarching theme would be respect, appreciation and love. And that despite the criticism and anger, you really do feel love, appreciation and respect for him. And to forgive you when you PTSD has you in its grips. That you will, when you can, strive to show him you love him. And yes, thank him for all he does. I think it would also be okay to perhaps write a separate letter to ask him for things he's not doing that you need him/would like him to do.

PTSD is counterintuitive. Behavior that would typically be seen as being selfish or shortsighted or otherwise negative in a "normal" person are par for the course sometimes for PTSD sufferers (and my wife has Complex PTSD so it's even stranger). So, it is hard for supporters to know what is needed, even if we do read boards like this and books and go to marriage counseling.

Another thing is to see the movie "Enough Said." I just saw it last night, and though it isn't about PTSD, it is about how negativity towards a loved one can overshadow the love. And how not to make good or great the enemy of perfect. It is also just a nice, well acted, fairly funny movie! That may give you additional perspective.

 

[Badger]

I think being a supporter is an act of faith. Basically with my sufferer I know that each day he is a different person. He started out by isolating himself whenever he didnt feel right and now he hangs out with me anyway. Used to be several days would go by where I wouldn't hear from him and now he texts me everyday. Sexual stuff comes and goes in our relationship, really depends on how he is feeling about stuff. But always, he is my best friend. Even when he is feeling bad and he knows I
need a hug, or need to be held, he is there. He lets me just wrap my body around him and soak in his warmth. The contact has to be his way, on his terms, but I see it for what it is. A huge declaration of trust.

I guess my point is, you PTSD suffers often have such low self esteem, I bet theres lots of things you do for him that you dont even realize you do.

 

[Skaterdad]

PDX Dad is spot on. Understanding is much easier when acknowledgement, respect, and love is showered. Love carries us from moment to moment any spoken love reinforces and acknowledges the other persons love for you.

 

[Luigi]

I try to tell my supporters when I'm having a good day, or if something makes me happy, because it's a little bit of the old me. I try to talk about my efforts at management of my symptoms, and thank him for being so patient and respectful towards me. He appreciates just having that acknowledged. The letter idea is genius......such smart people here. :)