Can It Ever End?

[Ethan Hunt]

Hi ...

Not posted for a while. Been having a hard time recently with myself. Been very up & down.

I mask my issues as I am sure we all do to some extent.

I take Zoloft & Seroquel XR to help. They have pretty much ruined my life. I am irritable, snappy at the kids, snappy at my Wife but come to work and smile. All I want to do is kick the living shit out of the first person brave enough to argue with me. Not family or friends, just a random stranger who dares to look at me different. Irrational? Yeah course it is!

I am a former London cop. 17 years front line service in East London. Since I left the Met & moved to Melbourne, I am no longer allowed to use any of their after care services ... not they were any good. I now work for Victoria Police but not in a sworn rank, so I am ineligible to use their after care services. I have found PTSD therapy courses for emergency service members but my health care doesn't cover it and I am not the multi millionaire I always wanted to be.

So, now I am in a dilemma. I hate feeling the way I am. I hate verbally abusing my family. I hate the nightmares. I hate the flashbacks. I hate the anger. Would my kids and family be better off without all this shit? I don't know. I know my Seroquel is a good sleep medication. Can you see where I am coming from?

I have a good psychologist & psychiatrist but it doesn't stop me feeling this way. I really don't know where to turn.

I am about to tell my Wife to hide the meds and give them as I need them. I am worried.

Thanks for listening ...

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

I'm not a psychologist by any means but if you're not getting any better, tell someone. Apparently the meds you're on are not working and you need to spill your guts out to your psychiatrist and counselor. Have your wife attend, please. They need to hear a lot from her as well.

Love and hugs, Ethan. You can get through this.

 

[Friday]

KISS. Keep It Simple Stupid.

If the meds are f*cking you sideways? Change your meds or get off them.


***
Know far too many people who have come this damn close to offing themselves because their meds drove them to the brink of suicide. Or altered their personality into something they despised. Just because one med is helping you sleep, but making you mean as a snake, doesn't mean that all meds will. Find something that helps you sleep that doesn't come along with "intolerable side effects" or "cannot tolerate side effects". Babies & bathwater, man. You now know that there are meds out there that let you sleep, and that you can work on. Now you need to find one that lets you sleep, you can work on, and doesn't have the wee little side effect of hating yourself, lashing out at your family, and ruining your life. Or something that works in place of a med.

Does it get better? Yes. In part, by systematically going problem by problem and sorting them. Right now the meds are a clear problem. They may have been a solution when you were worse off, or better off, or just plain in a different place... But they're a problem now. That's pretty normal. What helped before, hurts now, so adapt to the changing circumstance. Keep finding better solutions. Sometimes that's a lateral move, sometimes that's backtracking a bit, sometimes it's doing something completely different. It's still pressing forward. Still learning to handle this beast.

For the record, KISS ends up on my status update (or practically written on my eye lids) on a fairly regular basis ;)

 

[shimmerz]

Seroquil was a nightmare for me. I lashed out at people (I was on it 1 day), turned suicidal. Made me a totally different person. Other drugs did similar things or numbed me out completely. I say if a drug is making NEW problems that are severe, well, I have plenty of my own thank you very much.

I think your plan is a good one but be careful how quickly you come off of those things. Read up on the process of weaning off of drugs would be my advice.

 

[Justmehere]

I've struggled with suicidal thinking - currently trying to battle my way through it now. My heart goes out to you.

First step, tell your psych and your doc how bad you are feeling, in as much detail as you can tell them. Everything from the nightmares, to the suicidal thoughts. No excuses, they need to know as much as you can tell them. As others pointed out, some meds really backfire for some people and can cause or increase symptoms. I took a medication for sleep once that made me have really terrible nightmares. There are other options out there.

If you have told the psych and the doc honestly *all* the details about how you feel, and they are insisting you stay on the meds, then there may be good cause for a second opinion, suggestions from someone looking at the meds with a fresh viewpoint. It's also time to get support from your providers and anywhere else that you can to find new ways to manage the irritability. You may need a plan where you go for a workout before coming home from work, or engage in mindful breathing. There may be need to be room for the whole family to work on better communication skills.

It may also be worthwhile to look at things other than the meds that may be contributing to being irritable in the first place. I worked for one company and while I was working for them, my irritability and general verbal snappiness went through the roof. When I finally ended the contract with them, and worked for another organization, my irritability went way down. I didn't realize how much the previous job had been contributing to my irritability. It was full of triggers and generally crappy people, but I thought I was managing it well, but I wasn't.

No matter what is making you irritable, until it gets better, you have the job of becoming an expert on ways to cope with the irritability. Deep breathing, exercise, mindfulness, grounding, ect. It stinks to have to do this, but it's better to keep trying than to give up.

Would my kids and family be better off without all this shit? I don't know.

They are better off with you alive, no matter how irritable or cranky or even verbally abusive you are. Really. They are so much better off with you ALIVE and breathing, and continuing to fight the good fight through this. My friend/roommate committed suicide and left behind two daughters and 6 years later, his now 19 and 17 year old daughters are really struggling deeply with a lot of issues around losing their father, and losing him via suicide. We all knew he was depressed and he would lash out at times. They still NEEDED him to stay alive. He did things to try to let them know the suicide was not their fault, but they needed him, not a its-not-your-fault note. They needed him around, watching them grow up. Suicide is a horribly abandoning act. It's rarely intended to be this, but it is.

I am about to tell my Wife to hide the meds and give them as I need them. I am worried.

This is a really good idea. I have had to do this myself before. A friend held on to my meds, and only gave me a couple of days worth. Not enough to do much damage, and it actually helped remove the temptation and helped me shift my thinking and focus on plans to live.

You have a lot of insight, and I can tell how much you care for your family. You can get through this, it can get better, even though I know it doesn't feel that way at all right now. Your life has so much value. I'm glad you are reaching out.

 

[kona355]

Can you see where I am coming from?

Ethan, I know where you're coming from. This is a long post because I feel what you're going through.

I've had similar experiences since leaving LE after 21 years. In the first year anger and rage kept rising up like out of nowhere and I think it came from having to suppress all the emotions all those years while dealing with so much... well you know what's out there on the streets. Now it's stored inside and needs to be released.

Not being able to fix things that are wrong, both within me and what goes on with the lack of justice, etc., still grinds me up inside and leaves me feeling powerless and this too is deeply frustrating, to the point I can't even watch the news any more.

Then there's the feeling like I've been kicked to the curb and have not much to offer. Losing the camaraderie I once had, well, it's like I've got leprosy when trying to talk to anyone who ask, 'so how's it going?' and I get the 'deer in the headlights' look. So I just keep to myself and like you said, mask it.

Since I joined this forum I've been reading a lot of posts and see there are a lot of others going through the same kinds of things and are working on changing their understanding of what they're up against and that has helped too. This site has good articles on anger, replacing negative thoughts, etc. and it's helped me a lot.

You're strong enough to have survived this far and you're on a good route even now because of what I hear in your message that you're tired of it all. This is a good sign actually, if you weren't sick of being in this dilemma, then that would be a problem. How to change if there's no desire to?

Would my kids and family be better off without all this shit?

If you're talking about ending it by taking your own life, then NO, they would not be better off without you. Better off with you healed of the wounds you carry? Of course. And you can find a way. I say this because of having gone through suicidal depression; and I got to the point to where I became convinced my wife and children would be better off with me gone. That was 30 years ago last year. Being able to finally turn things around took time. But during the years since my brush with death I have had many opportunities to be with my children when they needed me and I've come to be a grandfather and enjoy spoiling my grandchildren with love and affection.

None of this kind of life happens in the grave.

If I could encourage you, and I don't mean this lightly, it would be to keep fighting for your right to be free of the things (trauma wounds) you've been left with. My experience with mental wounds has been they are like physical wounds - they need treatment to heal and they can be healed.

If you feel like a failure, I can tell you...you're not. What would you say to someone lying on the pavement, severely injured in a motor vehicle accident, with a compound fracture of their tibia? Would you say they're a failure because they won't just get up and get on with it? But, this is the same thing we do to ourselves when in therapy and we begin see how messed up we are and we think having that knowledge alone is enough, because it's just mental, right? It doesn't happen this way.

That's most likely why going to the P-doc isn't helping...yet. Mental wounds take time to heal, it takes time to undo years of suppressing anger, sadness, etc. (they don't need to see our emotions on the street, right?).

Last thing here. You served on the front lines for all those years and because of you, by being there, many people were able to live in peace and safety. Now I know what you're probably thinking, there's no way your being out there did any real good. I used to feel the same way until someone pointed this out: we'll never know the good we did. Also, just being on the street in uniform deterred a lot of evil. I've been to countries where law enforcement is lacking and evil runs rampant.

All those years on the street and most of what I saw was only the failures of our profession, the failure to protect was the hardest for me. But this is a distorted view of what really happened. How could we protect when we didn't have knowledge beforehand?

This is distorted thinking and came from looking back with perfect hindsight, second-guessing myself, and this was a mistake to do. It led me into some pretty serious guilt, anxiety and self-loathing. It's a trap and can be avoided by remembering the actions we took on every call was the result of what we knew in that moment, the result of training and the totality of the circumstances. On this note, there are few people in the world who can perform in such a capacity. You did this my friend and carry the scars for it.

I hope you will keep to the effort to become free. It can be done, though I know there are obstacles to overcome. Try to think of it as a revolution against what has been done to you. The price of freedom is struggle, and you're not alone in it. This site has some of the most amazing people who are in the same struggles we are, and many of them understand what you're facing.

Stay in touch. It will encourage others knowing you share the fight with them.

 

[blackemerald1]

I know lots about Seroquel. Oh yeah it helps you sleep but not a normal sleep. I was on it a long time. My suggestion is get off it (under medical supervision)

Tell your wife to hand your correct dosage beginning today & have her hide it now. For some, it seems to help, for me definitely not.

Not surprised you have been dropped like a scone by your former employer but don't think Sworn Vic Pol members get any thing much better than what you are currently getting.

In fact surprised you are not being thrown on the ever growing pile of discarded PTSD sufferers from your former & current positions.

Advice, get back to your Psych., asap. See if you can get into a private mental health hospital asap. Not a public one! Really push hard for that. If necessary go to a private psychiatrist who will snap W/Cover in half if they buck at the idea.
Your current therapy is not helping you, move on, insist that you are given alternative meds, therapy & support. Jack up the system with help from a lawyer if you can afford it. But don't rely on their so called 'rehab teams' & their Counselors. Find your own Dr., & pursue treatment that way.
Don't consider that the system you are currently in, gives any thought to your current or long term health, their out sourced Insurers are into making money, not spending it.

Ifyou cannot seethe point in this foryourself, then do it for your wife & family!
Don't expect work mates in your profession to understand, it is a problem they have not got the guts to admit happens in your job.

Get a very good private Psychiatrist & get into a private hospital asap.

Keep in touch.