Can Men Be "just Friends" With A Woman They Find Attractive???

[Bloomy]

Didnt read all the comments yet. Want to say I can somewhat relate. I wasnt all that until I became fit and athletic too. Wow that made a big change in my life. It was hard since Ive been sexually abused to get all that attention based upon my fysical appearence and sexual attractivness. Sometimes I wish I was just pretty. Not sexy. Try to remind my self is better to be attrative in some sense then no sense.

Then onto what you write Jass. I hope you will not take this the wrong way. It seems to me you are going into the typical female trap. The trap that says you need to be nice. Answer the phonecalls and all the attention and so forth. If not youll feel guilty and maybe as a bad person?
Ive learned the hard way to dismiss all the attention. Im not obliged to answer kitty calls for what ever reasons they are made. It doesnt matter if these guys want you for the residence or your fysical attractivness "friendship" or what ever. You are entitled to just say NO. Im NOT gonna answer this call. Its NOT my duty. Ill keep living my life and ignore all the unwanted attention.

Men can be friends with women despite sexual attractions. Im pr today also friends somewhat with my ex. And have other males friend too. They are good and decent men and would not do anything to disrespect me nor my boundaries. Ive also encounter those who do try, but it seems Im not in a place to recive it any more. So now in diference to before these men dont know how to handle me if they first try. Its seems Ive shut down. Im not open to be harassed anymore. Feel also a little sad since Im missing attention. But I remind my self of how bad in all it made me feel.

So dear Jass - stand up for your self and dont answer those phonecall and that attention.

It seems to me by the way culture doesnt matter. Men will be men. Or atleast some of them. If they smell a "weak prayer" they ll be on to you like wild hoards.

I know norwegian men are no better then men from any other culture. On the contrary. They seem decent until you say no. Then decency is by gone. On the other hand I had relationship with men from country as Iran and Turkey. No problems what so ever. Never pushed me in any way, but actually treated me very good and more so. My fault those realtionship didnt work.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Bloomy: OMG!!! You're a one wise woman! Thanks for the correct suggestion :hug:s.

Yes, I have been struggling to say NO and being too polite. These guys have been wasting my time and on phone calls and I'm getting sick of it. I tried being nice and this "niceness" is a learned behavior from childhood where I was "NOT" allowed to say "NO" to the abusers. But I will need to stand up for myself not put up with this nonsense. When I tell these guys that they better not take my talkative and honest behavior into something else and I only see them as "Friends" ,they start defending themselves saying "No, you're taking me wrong, I only see you as a friend". I mean what friend calls you at night after 12am and talks to you for more than 2hrs 30 mins continuously even when you tell them that you need to go they just don't acknowledge it. I feel as if I am their emotional dumpbag where they can throw all their emotional burden on me. But now I'm getting the clear idea that they only have one motif and that is to get into my pants just by trying to manipulate me. First they praise me and when I catch them, they start denying it. It's just nonsense and drama.

Add: Then these guys get jealous if I talk to another guy or sit next to him in class. I mean seriously? what kind of childish behavior is this? They don't own me and I'm not their property.

Add: When I was overweight 9 yrs ago, I had no attention instead guys of my age made fun of me. Now that I am fit and healthy, all they see me is as piece of meat and all they want to do is f*ck me! I am more than my lady bits. They need to win me at intellectual level, spiritual, and ethical level. If a guy does not have ethics, values, principles, or intellect his looks fade for me and I don't give him two cent of my life.

 

[Fadeaway]

@anthony My personal experience has been very different. I have always been "one of the guys," and I have had male best friends that were more or less based on a brother/sister type relationship. I gravitate more towards male-dominated "geek" hobbies, but I also feel more comfortable in friendships with males.

In @Jass_T situation, no, because they see her as a potential partner and what she is experiencing seems to be fueled by the competitive nature of men. However, it is possible. Although it does make it easier when two people of the opposite sex are in committed romantic relationships outside of the friendship.

 

[J_trustno1]

Thanks @Fadeaway :hug:s, you're correct. I don't know why it took me 2 months to realise this was happening to me. Seriously, this is my first time seeing this kind of jealousy and competition amongst men because it has never happened before. Too much drama tbh.

 

[Fadeaway]

Keep in mind the age, their brains have not fully developed yet. So there IS hope that most within a few years will have outgrown that kind fo behavior.

 

[J_trustno1]

Hahahahaha, let's hope they grow up one day hahahahah :roflmao:. They are very immature and I see them as adolescents although they are in ages of 23-26 :roflmao:, hahahahaha. This is funny and annoying at the same time lol.

 

[Bloomy]

Jass - It was hard for me to realise that I actually my self enabled them to use my time since I didnt know I could just simply not answer to their calls or catcalls. Then it hit me that I dont know them. I dont owe them even piece of shit.
So I belive we must take our rightful power and responsibilty back. To many people will use the oportunity to use and misuse if one let them. You dont even own them any explanation. As you say they will counter that with defence.

Nowadays I dont even both answer. I might lower my self to give the person a stupid face look. Or I just totally ignore like they dont exist.

Its not only our childhood being misused. I also see this behaviour from females of more normal backgrounds. So as females we are thought to please and to serve men. Its cultural issue. For us thats been sexually misused its even harder to grasp this.

But now dear Jass youve seen the light. Go towards it and claim your emincipation. And turn of the light of those that want nothing good from you.

Heia heia :)

 

[Changing4Best]

I had one guy who I tried to be friends with when I was married and didn't play around at all. I made this clear to him and he kept making passes. I was dumb enough not to disconnect from him and he made life very difficult for me. He kept making passes, even though I made it super clear that I was not interested in him in that way.

From this experience I say, No! It is not possible for a man and a woman to be just friends when the man is attracted to the woman.

I am a widow now. I can look back on the whole mess and see where I was wrong to stay connected to this man in any way. I made a grave error. I should have said BYE! and never spoken to him again. I was married. I made some bad choices and my husband paid for it with bad health problems in part because of my not being able to say BYE! to this man. That is how I see it now, but back then I really thought I could be this man's friend and only a friend.

No, I never slept with him. But he had quite the other idea, even though I said NO! repeatedly.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sometimes men just think you're playing hard to get.

They ignore the "no" because they much rather believe that being nice to them (or just polite) means you want sex.

Best to cut these guys off completely.

 

[Ronin]

I'd first ask 'which men, with which women?'

Not being a slave to stereotype... but recognizing it as mattering in case the lessons are worth their salt.

 

[Anarchy]

Hi Jass,
a male here! Not that I can speak for anyone else.

The parts of the brain that deal with making babies don't need to be clever, slugs manage fine, and when they pair up they're doing it with a male and female set each, earthworms too. Neither critter is known for being bright. I guess that gaining mastery over urges is a big part of growing up, learning to become respectful humans, not slugs.

I do find that in friendships with people who I am attracted to, the attraction can disappear as the friendship grows. It doesn't seem like that's likely to happen with any of your small sample of twenty four going on thirteen year old males (no offence intended to any of our younger members here!).

I think I avoid people that my attraction for might make a friendship difficult or impossible. Not sure about that.

Just as an example my slug brain did think it had spotted a come on a few weeks back - my conscious brain thinks it was far more likely that the girl's threat detection systems picked up on me, rather than any attraction. I think I'm probably older than her father is, and I did my best to act normal, there's no way I'd go there even if there was an offer - no chance at all. It was just weird. Outside of traumatic acting out, late teen girls don't tend to go for middle aged males.

Regarding boundaries and making "no" stick, I'm about twice your age and I'm still having difficulty getting people, especially family, to accept that when I say no about something, I mean no. so I'm afraid I can't offer any tips on that.

I bet those guys are crap at house work as well...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

MEN ARE FROM MARS!!!

Im sorry, i wanted to scream that.

Ive had male friends, most gay (make the best friends for women imo), some not and ive had successful friendships with guys but most were already in committed relationships and juat werent intresting (basically doing what a man should and behaving...ive had experience w/ many men that dont behave but we are speaking about friendships). So that leaves the extreme few that werent gay, and single. Only 3 that were successful friends.

I agree, you can "just be friends" but eventually one is going to want more, one or both will fall for the other. I dont think this means you need to ward off all guy friends, isnt a spouse supposed to be your best friend? How do you meet that future spouse? I do think i would stop hanging several guys out there though.

Want a guy friend? Here's how I did it, pick the one that seems to have your intrest at heart the most, you seem to trust the most, id even say attacted to the most and befriend him and only him. Doesnt work out? He may remain a friend but you guys tried the sex thing and it didnt work out so he wont be trying or jealous so stay friends with him and try another. I did this several times as welll as going back to one i already tried being more with to try being more with again but never did i have more than one in that position at a time (not friends anyway).

But the human body will always want sex thus why heterosexuals cant maintain "just friends" with the opposite gender well unless its friends with benefits. Now those ive had a ton of.