No I haven't heard of the Bowen family systems, something I will read though. I understand what you say about red flags, but yes if I had the same sentiment, I wouldn't be sat here on a forum looking for answers as to what happens to a persons ability to have a relationship and trust after abuse, I would be getting injunctions out on him.
What is it like to be in my shoes? Firstly I think my own personal life experiences help. I guess that is one main reason I am rather strurdy emotionally. And by sturdy, there are those, like C, who think to show emotion is weak. But to feel it, show it, you hurt, your heal right? If you don't hurt, you don't heal, you drag it around with you like a dead body, heavy and stinking until you can let go. I have never had any damage done to me as such. But I do compare a lot my life experiences such as this "relationship" to the worse things I have endured. Spending years at home disabled by lung disease to dying and relying on carers and then going through massive life changing transplant. I still have the fear of rejecting organs and to me nothing will be as bad as what I have been though and potentially will go through again.
I also believe that nobody is truly bad, and people's actions are mostly caused by something that has happened to them.
Between June and early January. He spent every other month at my home. Having a "normal relationship" but officially he has not lived here. So I don't particularly worry about how he will survive if he moved out. This is a guy that has survived in the dessert, in the jungle etc, but how he has survived emotionally, is by protecting himself with walls. A backwards coping mechanism perhaps. And I would agree that he is also a distancer and to me this is hard, when I am a talker. When I say a normal relationship, I mean doing stuff together most couples do, but the more comfortable he became with me, the more I guess he can be himself, he drank more than most and often his low mood would leave him saying I just want to chill at home today, or it's raining, I just want to stay in, the more I got to know him, the more I could see the depression and the anxiety. He was on and off messaging girls on Facebook too and this was the nail in the coffin by, December. I was beginning to become unhappy because of his fast waning desire to do anything in the days and when I mentioned getting help, his reply was I will be fine, I promise I get better on my own. But between Xmas eve and January 4th the drinking, moodiness was constant. He was drunk when he opened his Xmas presents and I almost started to hate him. Xmas for him was always bad as a child, it was between Xmas and new year his mum was beaten to death. I know that certain anniversaries exacerbate PTSD. Before he met me, he as stayed away from the UK at Xmas, working usually or drinking with other ex army guys in France. (His actual home and apartment is in France).
I think from my point of view, I have been sensible enough to take a step back, his behaviour that affected me at Xmas, is no longer taking place in his own life anyway. He has been on mirtazipine since 7/feb so sleeping properly and coping better in the day. He has been exercising a little bit too. When he asked me on 3/feb I need help please can you make me appointment I thought at first it was a fake call to try and get me back properly. But I see that he has stuck to it so far bar one night with his french friends where he got drunk and then said he felt horrendous for it. I used to lecture him on his ways and the potential help that was there. I stopped all that on January 4th. It was when he returned to work on the rig he had a breakdown around 16th jan. I don't lecture him anymore.
Also, you asked me what is it like for me to help him get help. Some people may find regular appointments and ordering repeat scripts a pain, I know he does especially with no cognitive thought process. But for me, it's been my life for 35 years. It's no big deal to help him with these things. But I told him he cannot rely on me. Therefore I have written dates in his Filofax for next six months for dates the meds need ordering and collecting. I guess I am now just trying to help him help himself in that respect. He also knows now, that ultimately, deviation from the path of help is only going to effect him now and could potentially end up with him losing his job, which is thee only thing he has left in his life.
I feel relieved he is on the right path, I would be disappointed if he chucked it all in. But what is nice for me now is that if he still is having nonsense Facebook chats with women, I don't care. It is not hurting me now and I think what also clicked with me is that is doesn't mean anything to him on an emotional level either. Who is really real on the other side of a screen?
For anyone else in my position, I would say it is important to take a step back, to protect your own emotional well being but just be there when they need help and ask for it. For those women with vet partners and children I cannot imagine how hard it must be. If I wasn't helping C over the last few weeks, sure as hell nobody else would. Yes I still love him but I'm not dull enough to make myself depressed. I don't think I'm naive and I genuinely believe his violent and dysfunctional childhood is impacting on his ability to have a committed relationship. Before he left for work last week, I pointed out that this time, we probably,blurred the lines between us, but from here onwards, there is solely friendship and support. I'm not being on the receiving end of deceit and despite looking to understand why he talks to women in Facebook,, it doesn't take the hurt of being disrespected away. He did ask me, what's to say me and you won't get back together properly, (and he talks of is doing future things together like camping, and holidays and day trips) but I have said he needs to discuss his stresses, insecurities over relationships and why he has the facebook habit in counselling. I do currently class my self as single but I won't stop helping C with his recovery.
