Can No Longer Climax During Sex

[Leiaza84]

Hi,

I feel quiet ashamed of myself honestly my mother gave me a book to read that helps you to remove the molestation out of your life. When I had sex with my fiance I thought about what my rapists did to me and what my father and uncle did to me it helped me to climax. I even had rough boyfriends that hurt me sexually and I enjoyed it. However with my fiance I asked him to be rough with me he did it once but refuses to do it anymore because he said it makes him feel like he's scum. So since after reading the book. I started to clear my mind of the abuse and I just stopped climaxing all together I mean it feels good I just can no longer climax. I just need to know if this is normal and if others are going through the same thing?

 

[rainbow1]

Hi Leiaza84,

I just wanted to respond to this as it is such a difficult thing to talk about, so well done for being open about it. I understand the feeling of needing partners to be rough in order to climax, and even to having to think about the abuse during sex. I've talked a little about it with my T and he says its a perfectly normal response given what has happened.

Basically, your body was trying to protect itself from damage and therefore became aroused when the abuse and violence started. It began to associate the violence and roughness with being aroused and it became an automatic response that you had no real control over. It doesn't mean you enjoyed what happened to you it was merely your body trying to limit the damage.

But, now that your with a partner who wants you to enjoy and participate in sex your body isn't quite sure how to react, it feels pretty alien to it. Give it time to get used to the new feelings, things will get easier and try not to feel pressured into climaxing. Things will happen when your ready. Its a good start that things feel good.

This probably didn't help much, but I just wanted to let you know I sort of get it!

 

[RdeC]

I agree with Rainbow: you associate sexual gratification with the abuse you were subjected to such that it has become a conditioned response. It might be that you were attempting to re-enact that trauma with your fiance (which is common practice) but he wouldn't comply because, hey guess what? He's actually a decent person who respects you as a woman rather than treating you as an object. So, the pieces are no longer in place for you to achieve an orgasm because the mental component no longer works as it once did.

It's a period of adjustment and will take time. This is a good thing, though - you are with someone who values you as a person and this will introduce a whole new dimension to you: genuine affection which is wholly incompatible with what you are used to. In time, the impact this should have on your sexual enjoyment will be phenomenal because that which has been missing for so long is now being allowed to develop and hopefully, flourish.

I sound like a bloody agony aunt in some cheap tittle tattle, but in all seriousness, I hope this helps. Good luck!

 

[Lucycat]

Hey Agony Aunt! Keep up the good advice! It is only because others have been through the same experiences that these things can be openly discussed and shared - and a little humour goes such a long way:)

You are so right about conditioning. This is something I have come to understand a little about. You can remove the trigger for the condition, and can say 'this is only a conditioned response' but it is still hard to make the changes. It does take a very long time with lots of persistence. I can understand why so many people give up trying, but knowing that it can get better does make it worth the effort.

 

[RdeC]

Conditioned responses are a problem, it has to be said because they are automatic and lightening quick. Further, they are both somatic (physiological) and cognitive so before you are consciously aware of a trigger issue, your body and mind have already responded in the usual way.However, all is not lost. Once the individual is able to recognise the signs, they can consciously intervene and attempt to override autonomic responses but this takes time and practice.

Like many with PTSD, I suffered from endless numbers of panic attacks. In time, I learnt to lessen the impact of these attacks (though not their onset) so they didn't develop further by consciously reminding myself what was going on, no, I wasn't going to die etc., etc. I found controlling my breathing was the key to stalling the full blown attack as that slows the heart and thus the hyperventialtion effects.

Since catharsis, some 15 years ago now, I haven't had a single attack so there is no question they were a consequence of unresolved trauma rattling around what passes for my mind.

 

[Badger]

I have sensory proceessing disorder (hyposensitivity) which is a condition that is often misdiagnosed as ADHD. You dissociate all the time, because you just need more stimulation. One of the major characteristics of people who have this is a really high pain tolerance. My father also had it. His pain tolerance was so high his appendix burst before he went to the hospital. My younger daughter has it as well. She runs into walls for fun. This is actually a pretty common and underdiagnosed condition.

Anyway, my abuser was never really rough with me. I don't have any particular desire to be humiliated either, but the touch I prefer is much rougher then average. I like to be slammed down on the bed and squashed during intercourse. Normal touch can literally tickle sometimes.. I mean I don't HAVE to have it, I prefer it, but it's impossible for me to climax during intercourse without it. My ex has an emotionally sadistic streak so when I asked him to do it that way he made a point of never doing it. As a result I havent climaxed during intercourse for umm...7 years. Used to do it all thhe time with my previous partners. So don't rule out a physiological reason for why you can't climax unless someone is rough with you. If you can seperate the pain from the abuse fantasies and humiliation and you are still getting off on the pain it could just be what your body likes. Could take some creativity to figure out how to do it with the approval of your fiancee. The things I like gentle are words, and kisses :)
Also some of the most commonly used antidepressants make it really hard for anyone to acheive orgasm. The SSRI's. Zoloft, Prozac, Paxil, Cymbalta, and Lexapro- there could be a few others I'm missing. Food for thought anyway.