theunistudent
New Here
I keep wracking my brain trying to work out the logic in this , but the whole thing is just like a bad nightmare with no logic.
I don't know if it is because what happened to me on the spectrum of things that can happen during a sexual assault that mine wouldn't necessarily be classified as the worst (was penetrative but not with his genitals- he's a christian so does not believe in sex before marriage).
The event itself doesn't seem as bad as the fallout from the event. During the event(s) I don't remember much rather I remember things such as the pain , moving his hand away, pinning my clothes down but there are also lots of black holes to where i'm left with questions like how did my top get off, how did his hand get there.
I remember after the first time and this for me when i have flashbacks this is where my head goes , where i am curled up in a ball and it hurts, i can still hear the thoughts that went through my head, i can still feel the blurry vision where i can hear his mumbled voice and him trying to get me to talk. I remember the feeling of being mute and unable to talk and my head screaming that i need to talk because i was scared he was going to be mad. The moments after going into the kitchen because it was the only excuse I could think of and how in the kitchen it felt like my world had stopped the isolation i felt in that moment and wanting to drop to the ground and scream.
I went numb after this.
Then a month later i lost it , i had tried numerous times to break it off, i had managed to break the relationship part but not the friendship. He turned up to my house unannounced , It ended with me sitting in a ball shaking in the corner with him standing over me his arms folded and he is telling me my anxiety is a sin. I felt so powerless , something snapped in my head and I stood up and was yelling at him that i had not wanted it , that i told him no , if my anxiety was a sin what he did was defiantly a sin. He was moving closer and closer to me telling me to be quiet. I was scared i still remember this fear. I managed to get out under his arm and run off down the street , i was yelling loud enough as i was trying to get the neighbours attention they came down to see me take off and they got him to leave.
But the feeling of these two events , feels so much worse then the event itself. Is that normal , for the after effects to feel worse then the event itself ?
I don't know if it is because what happened to me on the spectrum of things that can happen during a sexual assault that mine wouldn't necessarily be classified as the worst (was penetrative but not with his genitals- he's a christian so does not believe in sex before marriage).
The event itself doesn't seem as bad as the fallout from the event. During the event(s) I don't remember much rather I remember things such as the pain , moving his hand away, pinning my clothes down but there are also lots of black holes to where i'm left with questions like how did my top get off, how did his hand get there.
I remember after the first time and this for me when i have flashbacks this is where my head goes , where i am curled up in a ball and it hurts, i can still hear the thoughts that went through my head, i can still feel the blurry vision where i can hear his mumbled voice and him trying to get me to talk. I remember the feeling of being mute and unable to talk and my head screaming that i need to talk because i was scared he was going to be mad. The moments after going into the kitchen because it was the only excuse I could think of and how in the kitchen it felt like my world had stopped the isolation i felt in that moment and wanting to drop to the ground and scream.
I went numb after this.
Then a month later i lost it , i had tried numerous times to break it off, i had managed to break the relationship part but not the friendship. He turned up to my house unannounced , It ended with me sitting in a ball shaking in the corner with him standing over me his arms folded and he is telling me my anxiety is a sin. I felt so powerless , something snapped in my head and I stood up and was yelling at him that i had not wanted it , that i told him no , if my anxiety was a sin what he did was defiantly a sin. He was moving closer and closer to me telling me to be quiet. I was scared i still remember this fear. I managed to get out under his arm and run off down the street , i was yelling loud enough as i was trying to get the neighbours attention they came down to see me take off and they got him to leave.
But the feeling of these two events , feels so much worse then the event itself. Is that normal , for the after effects to feel worse then the event itself ?
