Can you appear to be fine while isolating?

[Bananamango]

I have a male friend who has military history and I've spoken with a counsellor friend who works with the military and many things point to him possibly having undiagnosed PTSD.

We've been friends for about a year and he's been hot and cold over that time period--sometimes I think we're friends and others he kind of disappears. But he always comes back friendly, so I've just had to try not to take it personally (which has been a bit hard at times).

Things seemed to change a couple of months ago--it felt like he was pulling back or something was up. I wondered if he was starting to isolate for some reason (he would never share why or if that was occurring with me--he barely admits he was ever in the military and WILL NOT discuss why he left.) Then two weeks ago he started ignoring emails/texts and last week he said to me that he needs space, and has asked me not to contact him. He said he needs time. I asked if it was the end with our friendship, and he said 'he's not saying it's the end of anything, he just needs me to respect his wishes.' Would not say anything about why. He said he'd try to be friendly if we ran into one another.

This week I ran into him and a mutual acquaintance he knows much less well than me. He was super friendly with this person and barely acknowledged me. It was a short encounter. He seemed totally fine and upbeat--did not seem like he was struggling at all. I've continued not to contact him since, as he requested.

I guess my question is this: (I'm sure this is somewhat individual), but can you be in a state of needing to isolate, yet still appear to function normally or even be positively upbeat on the outside? Isolation from what I've read sounds like people can sometimes barely function, so just trying to understand.

I'm just trying to gauge whether he is upset at me over something, or if he is struggling but putting on a brave face. (I'm not sure whether to have compassion or whether he's being a bit of a jerk to me or no longer wants to be friends.) Can you still be going to work and functioning/appearing seemingly normal and still be feeling the need to isolate?

Any help in understanding would be appreciated. It's hard, because I can't discuss anything with him. He never talks about anything personal.

Thanks.

 

[Deleted member 541]

It could be a bit of both. He could be pissed at you and needing space, and yes, he could be struggling and putting on a brave face.

Give him the space he’s asking for. Don’t contact him.... If he wants, he’ll contact you.

 

[Freida]

Yep === I can be in total isolation mode and still friendly to people who don't matter. People that matter? go away and leave me alone - I'll contact you when I feel better.

 

[mumstheword]

Part of "survival" is putting on a brave face. Many PTSD sufferers hide, in more ways than one, faking ok is another way we hide. But if we are relating in someone on a deeper level than just surface, it's harder to hide in the I'm- ok-persona way. It sounds like he's struggling. It's probably better not to try second guessing to much, he's a sufferer, we isolate when struggling, it's a symptom, we can fake ok quite well, many of us, for sustained periods of time, but it's exhausting and just done for safety reasons. With people you have potential to form secure attachments? Frightening, and the faking thing is way harder or inappropriate so ghosting is the other way we hide for survival. It's just part of the package. Sorry your going through it.

 

[Bananamango]

Part of "survival" is putting on a brave face. Many PTSD sufferers hide, in more ways than one, fak...

Thank you--EXTREMELY helpful. I don't want to give up on him as a friend because we've had some really fun times together and I've sensed under all of this that he is a really sweet and decent human being. I also don't sense he has many other friends. He's made comments about 'are you just my friend because you think I need a friend?' and that is most certainly not why--I just like him as a person. But it does take an incredible amount of patience. I'm willing to try, but I am a sensitive person, and sometimes I feel like maybe I'm being toyed with...and it hurt to see him so happy with this 'nobody' and I thought, how can he be like that and not want anything to do with me after knowing me for this long? But you helped me get it. I'll just continue to wait and we'll see where we end up. It just helps me have compassion towards him rather than anger or resentment. Thank you.

 

[Bananamango]

Yep === I can be in total isolation mode and still friendly to people who don't matter. People that mat...

Thank you--that is so helpful to hear. I was a little hurt when he seemingly had more interest to be friendly with this person he doesn't know well than me, but I understand better now. Thank you. I will continue to give him space. Fortunately he's not a boyfriend or someone I'm super close with, so I should be able to give him the space he needs. I do miss him though--that's the hard part. And not sure how long he'll need--could be a while from what I've read elsewhere.

 

[Friday]

Appear to b fine but actually be a mess? Absolutely.

Not just appear to be fine, but also actually be fine, as closing off some areas of my life allows me to function in other areas of my life? Again, absolutely.

 

[Bananamango]

It could be a bit of both. He could be pissed at you and needing space, and yes, he could be struggling...

Thank you--I'll continue to give him space. From what I'm reading, you can't force things. I'll just try to continue to be patient. I sort of wish he would be able to admit he is struggling (he has eluded to needing 'rest and recovery,' lots of alone time, he admits he doesnt' have normal emotions, he's never denied it when I've vaguely mentioned that he seems to struggle with something)--because then he could just say, look, I'm struggling, need some time--don't take it personally, and then I wouldn't. But he's a very proud person, always says with problems to 'just deal with it'--so would never admit to it I don't think. Sadly, I don't think he'll ever seek help for any of this. And I certainly can't mention it.

 

[Bananamango]

Appear to b fine but actually be a mess? Absolutely.

Not just appear to be fine, but also actually ...

Wow, thank all of you for responding. I'm trying to understand, and this is helping greatly.

 

[desiderata310]

SO I am as about as isolated as I could be right now. The people who KNOW that I'm in a shit spot? you fine folks (well, those who brave the task of reading my diary) and my therapist. The rest of the world, including my adult children? Not a clue.
My way of dealing with things has been to lay on the enthusiasm till it's over the f*cking top. I start out telling my crew, my clients, and anyone within earshot that it's going to be an AWESOME DAY. (to my crew and those with less delicate ears I tell that it will be a f*cking awesome day) and I say it with such great enthusiasm that I have fooled everyone into thinking I must be on crack as well as caffeine. What they DON'T SEE? Is the rest of my life. As soon as they walk away I'm struggling to keep from crying in the middle of the street.

Yes, in the past, I have totally played things up in front of someone I don't trust with details while not giving the same energy to someone else.

 

[Rumors]

I tend to be overfunctioning and can make huge work deals, buy stuff...big stuff...sell stuff..big stuff... be so super successful at work and appear so grounded to the world and be a complete mess inside. I mean COMPLETE. MESS. It actually makes me sad bc those are times where I really need someone to he most but don't know how to say "help." Maybe just reaching out to him and letting him know if there is anything going on for him you are willing to listen... sorry. PTSD sucks.

 

[LuckiLee]

In answer to your question. Yes.

I live with my Vet so he technically can't really isolate. ( we have a system although it doesn't always work) And his family and friends have no freakin idea how he struggles EVERYDAY.