Can You Only Be With Someone With Similar Families?

[quaintpapercut]

I don't speak to my extended family at all. It's hard and painful and all of those things but ultimately I'm healthier when I don't have contact with them. Now that I'm not in contact with them I'm freed from the tyranny of family obligations - which is I think one of the only perks of coming from such a dysfunctional family.

My ex-husband didn't have the same family dynamic but didn't speak to them. They were never in the picture and essentially I was his family and I always felt that way. Even though we're no longer together I still consider him my "family" as he's someone who has been with me through so much life stuff. Looking back at the start of that relationship, right from the very beginning me and my ex forged a bond where we felt like each other's family.

My current boyfriend is close to his family and I really didn't anticipate the amount of feelings it would evoke when him and I decided to move forward in our relationship and move in together. I mean I *like* his family as much as I can but they are essentially strangers to me and I have little to no feelings towards them. I really resent having to spend holidays, birthdays and other events with them. Christmas just passed and already there's plans for dinner this Saturday. They were also at our house this past Sunday because they need to pick something up for his sister. And the list goes on. Is this what my life is going to look like from now on? I extract myself from the tentacles of my own family only to end up with paper board cut outs that I'm required to spend time with?

My boyfriend is very protective of his family and because of this I feel like there's a divide between us on the issue. It also makes me feel like he's just my boyfriend, not really someone who is unified or loyal to me on the issue. It's not even that I expect him NOT to speak to his family or be around them, I just don't like feeling as though I will never have any say on things that involve his family.

In my mind, a relationship would be a lot easier if the family dynamics were similar between the individuals. How would that sound for a personal ad? Looking for a man estranged from parents...

 

[safenow]

paper board cut outs that I'm required to spend time with?

If you really feel this way, then you need to break up with your boy friend. These are real people with real feelings. if you can't accept that, then you need to find someone who has no family.

Perhaps, if you try to get to know them, you might like them. "A daughter is a daughter until she marries, but a son is always a son even when he takes a wife." (an old saying that can drive a woman crazy) LOL. I shared that with you to make you laugh, but there is more truth than you know in that little saying. If you really love this guy, then I suggest you try to make friends with his mother, because she and her husband will be your family for as long as you two are together.

I know that sounds cold, but until you resolve your issue with families, you have no choice in the matter. With the attitude you carry you will drive the wedge between him and his family that would cause a lot of damage. You are making him choose between you. His love for them is eternal. Is yours for him?

Just my humble opinion.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I know and I think that's part of the issue - that I have no choice in the matter. When we were dating he rarely if ever saw his family and now that we're settled they expect to be more involved in his life. I think this would be fine if I knew the deal going in but feel like things were renegotiated along the way somewhere .

I'm not expecting him to choose between me and his family but I think I would like to feel the same level of importance. If we're supposed to be "partners" and family it makes me feel bad that in his list of priorities I feel like I'm a notch below.

Being around his family is a huge trigger for me and I spend the entire time in a dissociated state. I've done a bit of work on it in therapy but it stills send me into a huge panic when I know something is coming up.

Thanks for your opinion safenow. I appreciate it :)

 

[dms]

Safenow is right.

It's actually "NORMAL" to be close to ones family however, your boyfriend needs to understand your "NORMAL" comes with triggers, isolation and dissociation. Compromise or your relationship will fail Quaintpapercut.

Just my opinion. Good Luck!

 

[Hashi]

I sympathise with you. I've had a similar issue in a relationship. With my then boyfriend it was family first, then me, then friends.

I didn't like the family socialising and found it at best a waste of time. Really, it bothered me more than that, though. I hate family dynamics and even the idea of family.

I set limits on it and said I would only go for Christmas or New Year, children's birthdays, weddings and christenings. To me, that was too much. To them, of course, it was much too little. It meant I was never really one thing or the other. I wasn't part of the family and I wasn't completely outside it.

I also found that he didn't place the same importance on my friendships as I was expected to place on his family, although to my mind they were equivalent. He would casually back out of a big event with my friends if he didn't feel like it when the time came.

We were together for five years and there were a lot of good things in the relationship. His prioritisation of family was the final straw in the end, though. He avoided moving in together for a long time, which I wasn't happy about, and I suspect my lack of willingness to be part of his family was the real reason although I don't know that for sure. We were planning to move in together in a location that would suit both our work situations, and then he decided he couldn't go through with it because he'd be too far from his family (it was a one hour train journey).

For me, the problem wasn't just him putting them first, it was his dependence on them which I couldn't understand or relate to. It seemed immature to me, and I couldn't respect him enough if he wasn't willing to move more than five miles away from his mother. (He wasn't a carer or anything like that, which would have been different.) However, it might be perfectly reasonable in someone else's eyes.

My experience was that when it came to any kind of serious commitment, his own family were too big a factor for me to accept. For a less serious relationship, it was OK. My personal ad would have to be - Looking for a man who has cut the apron strings...

I feel for you, being in this situation. I think even people who have no major issues with their own families can find it problematic to navigate their way through a relationship with their partner's. So I wouldn't say I think it's hopeless. It sounds like you're doing much better than I did. I hope you find a way through.

 

[quaintpapercut]

I understand the importance of family for people who have normal attachments to them. And its not like I don't compromise or not attend family social events -because I do. I just hate that it feels like the frequency is increasing and I have no say in the matter, because if I do I just look like a giant a**h*le whose trying to keep him away from his family.

For me its not his dependance on them but his inability to say no to them for fear of upsetting them or being able to assert that his life has changed as he's not an itty bitty baby anymore.

I wasn't part of the family and I wasn't completely outside it.

This is it exactly, the feeling that I am not really one thing or another. I feel more like an accessory. For someone like me who felt non-exsistent her entire childhood its hard for me to feel this dynamic again, even as an adult, within another family.

Thank you Hashi - you get it :cry:

 

[The Albatross]

Short answer to the topic question: No, but it helps in the longer term.

 

[quaintpapercut]

We talked about it tonight and got into a huge fight about it.

I'm just tired of always feeling like there more important than me. If it is my feelings or his families feelings at stake he will always choose to please them. For example, on Christmas Eve we had talked about for weeks how it was "our day", away from the obligation of the holidays to lounge around, watch movies and get the house ready for the next day (being Christmas). Its our first christmas in our new house together and we were both excited.

We had been at his parents house the entire night before. It was fine and I gave it 110% to make my boyfriend happy. He deserved to have a good Christmas with his family and I wasn't going to deprive him of that. He forgot to bring his fathers christmas present that he had picked up for his mom, so he had to just pop up to drop the present off the next day. He leaves and what's supposed to be a quick visit so he could return to do the stuff that we had planned, turned into 3 hours.

I ended up cleaning the entire house by myself and was in such a foul mood by the time he got home. I tried to swallow it but I had to say something by the evening. He basically told me that he told his family repeatedly that he had to go because he had stuff to do, but kept getting sucked in and wasn't able to leave. He failed to acknowledge my feelings and basically said that if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn't feel the way I did. Thanks.

He ended up sleeping on the couch while I was upstairs heavily triggered trying to ground myself and prevent a flashback.

To me this is an example of where he should of drawn a clear boundary. But he didn't because he didn't want to upset his family. I acknowledge that my ptsd impacts my outlook on some things but I also have self awareness as a result. It really upsets me that he doesn't see this. I think even a person without ptsd would find this hurtful but I'm not really sure :(

 

[MomOfTwo]

I think that creating healthy family dynamics is a good thing in a relationship and maybe this turmoil and stress is just something you need to work through and is a healthy part of your recovery even though it seems like he is choosing them over you. Everyone deserves that and so many children grow up without that. I think of my brother in law as needing to cut the apron strings. He cannot make a decision without asking his mom.

I think that if you are ever to take your relationship further that extended family is very important to children growing up and if your husbands family are 'healthy' for children to be around then if you have kids it would be good for them.

Perhaps the feeling of rejection that you are getting from your boyfriend is closely related to the dynamics of your own growing up? This is an opportunity for you to grow and help in your recovery. Maybe if his parents knew as well what you went through and could help you feel more part of the family then that would be good. If you like cooking maybe you and your boyfriends mom could get together and bake something.

You cannot expect your husband to choose and should not. His family made him into the special man that you fell in love with. Perhaps they can be the support that you should have had as well growing up? You deserve to have people in your life that care about you and I am sure there are people in your boyfriends family that want to get to know you better. I have some of the best sister in laws ever. I think you should have just time with your boyfriend over the holidays but it is important for him to have time with his family as well. I don't think our spouses or partners truly understand ptsd unless they have been there. They can empathize and are severely impacted by it but when they have healthy relationships we need to embrace that and be happy that they do. I bet your boyfriend feels sad that you do not have the same and does not understand. It is not his reality. I think that it is good you are with a man with healthy relationships and hope both of you can work it out.

 

[Hashi]

I think MomOfTwo makes a good point, if you might have kids in future.

I still think you should feel able to rely on what he says he'll do - doesn't that still hold if you have kids? Isn't there compromise on both sides?

It sounds like he sees it very differently from you, and that's difficult. His whole approach to family and feelings about family are different. I understand what people have said about accepting that's a part of who he is, but I can't also help wondering - are you expected to change and adapt more than he is?

I wish I had some wisdom for you. If I did, I wouldn't be single! I do sympathise, though.

 

[Sailorgal]

Hi Quaintpapercut,

I echo Mom's sentiment's above. Let me state it like this though as you actually responded to one of my post's about my ex who recently broke up with me. Funny thing, he sounds like your bf! Ha!

It is unfair for you to ask him to "drop" his family just as it is unfair for him to not be considerate of the relationship you two have. He isn't 5, but he is still son. I actually went through this myself with my ex - oh yes that is when the PTSD starting appearing soooo beautifully.

I think you're hurt by his "beckoning to the family's every call" is affected by your lack of family. If your family was as needy, you wouldn't see it that way but more as "trying to be a good daughter." Not having close family, of course your bf becomes your family! My situation was worse as what I considered "family" (actually very close friends) were all in other states so I was literally alone.

You are blessed to have a bf who has a relatively healthy relationship with his family - take it as a learning curve. As long as they have open arms towards you, accept it and be glad that not everyone gets that opportunity. If they intentionally leave you out or are uninviting, that is a different story.

Not everything has to be a "us versus them" scenario. Is it REALLY that you feel he there it serve their every need or that you feel like the step child who'll never fit in? I think you really have to take a self inventory and see how you are hurting yourself not being open to a wonderful experience. It doesn't mean you two MUST attend everything, but if you love him, why can't you support him as he is supportive of you?

My ex actually told me once "I'm not giving up my family and friends." And you know what, he was right. Just because I wasn't comfortable or ready doesn't make his actions wrong. These relationships are what makes him happy and whole - no drama. Of course, we were able to set up guidelines and he understood that it was ME who wasn't ready. He thought I was accusing him of choosing everyone over me which wasn't true. In fact, it hurt him because he wanted me IN his life and wanted everyone to become a part of my life as well (oh boy, remembering all that kind of sends jitters down my spine). It was really overwhelming to me and I'm not gonna say it's easy to accept. It's not!!!!

I didn't like the big events, but I was fine when it was just the few of us. In fact, I talked to his mom more than he did! Maybe it will be easier to have smaller casual gatherings instead of the big functions where you feel like you have to be "on." We also agreed that if I gave him the word, we would go. So there's the compromise - I go to the event, but he accepts to escape when I'm ready to.

You don't want him to resent you by having to choose. Here is your opportunity to kick PTSD in the face and say that you hate it but you are going to do what's healthy and positive for you.

Hugs Quaint! Alot of girls with or without PTSD would wrestle you to be in your shoes. ;)

 

[saffy]

In my mind, a relationship would be a lot easier if the family dynamics were similar between the individuals. How would that sound for a personal ad? Looking for a man estranged from parents...

Hi quaintpapercut (love the name by the way)

I think it would seem very strange for you because you are not used to such intimacy or respect from a close group of people.

It seems, that with your 'ex' you both had something in common but both needed each other so you had at least someone to turn to. Sometimes this is not a good recipe really because as you grow you change.
Yes, definitely, a relationship priority should be between the two people first and foremost but having extended love and support is also very beneficial to any relationship too.

I would worry about finding another estranged person as they would have the same issues as me, which can be damaging rather than a help. I suppose they at least will understand, but I bet your boyfriend would too, just because he is close to his does not mean he doesn't.

If it were me I would try to build on the extended relationships and work out why I find this intimidating when I probably do not need too, if that makes sense. (it will all come down to my issues in the end)

I hope you can work this out as it sounds like you have a fantastic boyfriend.

Have fun and stay.

best wishes
Saffy :)