The way I look at it is this... if I had not gone though childhood abuse and the sexual assaults, it would have been something else. I am thankful that I have not been in a physically abusive relationship, but had I not endured physical abuse as a child, I may not have been able to avoid the type of guy who would have done so to me. Or had I not gone though the things I had leading me to become pregnant, I may have had a longer career in the military and ended up in more sexual assaults or gone on to be deployed and ended up with combat PTSD.
In short, I try not to wish my life had been different, because if abc had changed, then maybe instead of "this" I would have ended up with "that" instead. Like, the way I see things, whether its right or wrong, is that..there are some people who lead a charmed life, and those who do not. I don't. Who I am is who I was meant to be...if everything was different, that doesn't necessarily mean it would have been better...just different. A different set of struggles, traumas, things to overcome.
Even though that seems sort of dark and negative, for me its not...it keeps me from wishing things weren't the way they are, and helps me just deal with the way things are, and to try and get some positive out of who I am because of it. Granted, the majority of the time, I am not happy with myself or who I am, but it is what it is...and all the hopes, dreams, ideal views of what if's will never change that.
