Can You Talk About Your Trauma?

[BrownEyes]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone has trouble talking about their trauma. I have been in denial about my childhood abuse and have not ever discussed it.

Do others feel guilty for wanting to talk about their trauma? For my entire life I never allowed myself to want to talk about it. I felt that I caused it and was to blame, and therefore I had no right to want to talk about it now. The voice in my head kept saying "Who are you to want to discuss what happened? It didn't affect you, so just leave it in the past. How dare you feel sorry for yourself. You should be grateful for everything you have in your life, and not dwell on the past".

Now that my therapist had me write down a list of traumatic events, I'm starting to think that I may actually want to talk about them. But I'm finding that now when I try to discuss them with him, something happens to me. I either freeze up and the words won't come out, or I start to "space out" or my mind goes blank.

It's like I trained myself for my entire life not to discuss these things, and now that I want to, I can't. It's like I'm now too good at holding it all in, and when I want it to come out, it won't. And it's so frustrating because I feel the need to talk about it inside me. I feel like it's building and building and I can't get it out and it's so frustrating.

And sometimes when I finally am able to get some small piece of information out, I say it as if I'm describing the weather outside. With no emotion. And that's not how I feel inside. And I want to be able to express my emotion over it, but I can't. It won't come out.

I have guilt and shame over the actual traumas, and also guilt and shame over wanting to talk about it. Do others experience this?

 

[Noone.]

Hi Brown Eyes

First off I have to say my trauma is that of a different nature.
It's a result of things that I have seen and done and will continue to do everyday
I go to work.
I have a problem talking about certain things and I usually end up choking my words out, or telling it like I'm ordering a pizza.
I'm also not sure if writing about these things are helping me at all but I have to give it
a try what do I have to lose.
When you feel comfortable enough you will talk and there will be a lot of
support here to listen.

Take care.

FIRE.

 

[Blues in NYC]

I've felt immensely guilty and shameful regarding both of my trauma experiences.

The more recent one--our evil tenant--came from just feeling stupid and like I was the wet blanket on everyone else's campfire. And while it was going on my wife and I both endured a lot of humiliating questions from folks that didn't understand the legal reality. "Why don't you just kick her out?" We were made to feel it was our fault. Some even went as far as dismissing and blaming us. "What did you expect? You bought a crack house in a crack hood."

So even now that I'm in treatment we don't talk much to friends anymore. In fact, during those two years we lost a lot of our friends.

The childhood stuff is even harder though. Since my mother's mental health is still involved, there are some very real reasons why we keep hushed about it. Airing my grievances just once as a troubled teen regarding the years of abuse I endured lead directly to a suicide attempt on the part of my mother the following day. I was the sole intervening party that had to save her. Dad was often away. And very stoic about all of it...all through the years. My doctor has suggested that my mother may actually have dissociated during some of the abusive and self harming incidents, clouding her memory and acknowledgment of what went on during the days while dad was off working long hours. Or it may just have been garden variety abusive family denial. Either way, the severe amount of denial along with the knowledge that I hold what feel like earth shattering (at least for my mother) secrets has contributed to the shame and inability to talk about what went on during those years. Some years I pretty much convinced myself that it either didn't happen and I'd made it up or that I was exaggerating and in never amounted to much really.

I've seen, touched, heard and smelled the truth since then. And it did happen. And I'm only now learning to talk or write about it. But I'm still keeping it on a leash because I never want any of it to slip out to my parents at this point. I've decided to let them take their side of this mess to the grave since that's how they've played it for decades. I don't ever want to feel responsible (even though I know I technically was not) for another suicide attempt by anyone, especially a parent.

On the positive side as I'm regaining (and in some cases gaining for the first time!) some key social skills, I'm learning which few CLOSE friends other than my wife that I can talk a little bit more openly (but not obsessively) about my past with. In these conversations, I've learned things about friends of over a decade that I never ever knew. I've also been surprised by how kind, gentle and loving some of them are, each in their own way including some of my male friends. It's nice to be surprised by humanity in a good direction. It really helps me gain a bit more nuance about the world.

 

[the racha]

BrownEyes, thanks for posting. Yes, I have felt guilty talking about my trauma, mostly because I felt like I was overdramatizing or seeking attention for something "minimal."

"Reporting," as you describe it, is common in survivors of trauma; it could be that while you are conciously ready to unite words with the emotions you feel inside, a part of you is very reluctant to do so because of the sheer amount of emotional force that would emerge.

Perhaps you could talk to your therapist about writing down your traumas in one column, then writing down how you feel inside about them in another column. That might be one way to get the feelings out. Then, if you're up for it, you can try reading this to your therapist or perhaps your therapist could read it out loud back to you?

Best of luck,
racha

 

[Deleted member 541]

Nope, when I was a kid, I told anyone that I could. Problem was, no one believed me. That was back in the 60's, early 70's, and back then *those things* just didn't happen. Well at least no one wanted to believe it happened.

I kept talking until I hit my early 20's, then the bad coping took over. I was in and out of therapy for years, but didn't talk about *it*, cause god forbid, no one would believe me anyway. Wasn't until 15 yrs ago, that i started talking about it again. I think, that once you open up, it's easier to let it spew out....

 

[Keenbean]

Yeah, me too.....

Wow, you have put how I feel in better words than I can....

I have been seeing a psychotherapist for five years now, and for the first of those, I literally sat in silence for the whole hour every week, or even twice a week. I couldn't say a word about what I was there for and what was cutting me up inside.

Eventually my therapist suggested I tried drawing stuff. After a lot of procrastinating and drawing other stuff, I finally started to draw my flashbacks out, and I was finally able to start talking about them, although it was very slow going. Literally a word or two at a time.

But even now, even though things have been much better, sometimes my mouth just freezes when we are talking about something sensitive. In my head I am screaming what I want to say, and sometimes my lips even form the words, but there is no voice. I sit there and try and try, getting more and more frustrated. The only thing that sometimes helps is for me to picture the words I am trying to say in my head, and try to read them out loud. After multiple attempts, I sometimes manage to get a few words out this way, and because my therapist now usually has a very good idea what I am trying to say, she is good at helping me out.

I guess it is a case of trying out new ways to get out what you want to say, whether it is verbally or not. Sometimes the longer you can't say it, the harder it gets, and that makes it even worse. Maybe try experimenting with art stuff or writing, if your therapist is experienced with these techniques? I am sure you will find a way, so long as you keep going. You will get there in the end :)

KB

 

[TLight]

I was definately a 'reporter'.....now, I tremble, jerk, choke and generally have all kinds of uncomfortable bodily reactions when I try to talk about it........it's awful.

Mostly, I've just dissociated I guess......but that lead to depression and suicide attempts.
Trembling......and I don't even really remember a majority of what happened. My nightmares are the only clues.

 

[Ursa]

The first time I talked it was very hard... I actually did not even tell I made a drawing.

Now, It seems like every time I tell my story the feelings about it are getting better.

 

[lrs]

It used to be almost impossible. While in psyche hospitals and rehabs, counselors and psychiatrists would try to get me to talk about events from childhood.
I would get shaky, dry mouth, teary eyed, wobbly kneed, and so they would always make me stop.

 

[cragger65]

I'm not sure how to make that connection either, not consistently. I've had all the experiences above. The blank outs, the "weather report" tonality, bursts of emotion... I don't seem to be in control very much.

When I did connect with feeling it was doing what Racha has suggested, writing it out and reading it to my T. I only got about half way, and I haven't tried again since, but it definately got me feeling and expressing it.

Wishing you luck with that,
Dave

 

[Zaac]

hi brown eyes

i can totally relate to your not being comfortable talking about the trauma, although for me it was more than once. Some of it for me is when I start to think about it, I get panicked badly and cant even get close to the memories. Part of it also for me is that due to the fact that I have a hard time getting close to it, not all of the incident is clear in my memory or is buried so deep i feel like i cant get to the details. I've discovered thought, that its not really necessary to remember it or all of it. I am starting to work with EMDR, which is the primo treatment for ptsd even according to the VA...they swear by it. their problems is, they have no practitioners qualified to do it.

anyway, you're not alone.

zaac

 

[Awakening]

Brown eyes, I could of written your post, so thanks so much for sharing.

I have no solutions, but I am the same. I've written down these events in dot point but I just cannot talk about them. I swear I will before each session but it just doesn't happen despite desperately wanting it to come out. I've tried the drawing thing, and have reactions as all the previous posters have described.

I also struggle with it being a memory, which leads me to then think maybe it didn't happen after all. I have a hard time telling the story of it because it's not in my past, it's a present thing if that makes any sense? There is not a neat story of beginning middle end and so I could start reading but from where? And even I have no idea where the story is going or what will come out of my mouth next.