Can You Talk About Your Trauma?

[cec]

Thanks for the clarification.

Doing a diary privately, feels lonely like it was when abused. And doing one publicly, is just out right scary. I like the idea of just writing benign stuff and just seeing what happens. I may do this.

Thanks

Paul

 

[2notbedefeated]

It hasn't been till this past august that I started having more clear memories of the abuse that went on.

I've heard others say that when they try to talk about it, behaviors come up that then have to be adressed before talking further about the trauma and what happened.

Well, that's me too. Just this past Thursday, actually my Therapist asked me to respond to a question he brought up, which now I can't remember it, but anyway something inside just surfaced and I the wounded child in me just started wailing and mumbling words that were from the ages of 6 and 7 when I was sexually,etc. abusd by a pedophile for two years.

My gosh, I dont' know what happened exactly it just happened so quickly. I was pulling my hair, hitting my head, rocking like crazy, and screaming.

This same stuff happens if I try to share abuse details. Sometime I have a flashback. It's mind boggling and werid to me. I can't seem to give that wounded girl a voice yet in order to talk about what happened to her.

There is one thing I have found that does help me to begin to talk about the abuse to my therapist and that is holding a pillow or a blanket around me, especially to cover the front of my body. I feel too vulnerable, almost naked, I have shame over my body parts and I have to cover it up before I say a word about the sexual abuse.

 

[TLight]

Ditto;
It's been 4 years of therapy for me and I go into radical convulsion-like body stuff when I even get close to talking about the b*stard.

I don't even have my memories. She tells me I can heal without them. Can I?

Someone give me the steps to healing and I'll surely take them........I'm a scientist by training.........just tell me how to do this so I can get on with things.
Unfortunately, I guess it doesn't work like that.

Even when I barely touch the subject with my BF....I get terrorized and he stops me. But it's funny, I can talk about some of it in sort of a 'reporting' kind of way..........I think I'm dissociated when I do that.

Do I need the memories?

 

[Tinyflame]

I didn't have a choice when the memories surfaced, they just "did". Then, what to do with them, eh? That is part of why I ended up here. Now I realize that if you don't deal with them, their impact gets increasingly worse.

I'm still surprised at what pops up out of the blue.
I sure wouldn't "try" to remember any of them, though.

I think part of it may be state-dependent; that is, for example, when you are terrified you can remember other terrifying memories, etc.

 

[Lionheart]

When I was a child, I told a preacher and a detective. Both of them brushed me off and never took my statement or filed a report, and the preacher said he didn't want me to ever talk about it again. Later, after deciding I didn't want to drink myself to death, I began sharing that I had been abused to my sponser in A.A.
I came to realize that without help dealing with the abuse issues of my past, I would not be able to remain sober for long and so I began therapy. My therapist was surprised that I cold talk about these horrible things as if they never really happened.

When I later began to 'thaw-out' emotionally, the telling of my story carried massive loads of shame, quilt, and emotional pain. Ya see men are not supposed to be victims of sexual child abuse and exposing the truth was like standing naked in front of a million strangers. I was very uncomfortable and I was extremely self-conscious.

That was 12 years ago. Now, I can tell every detail of the decades of abuse events,....if I choose to, ..without guilt, or shame. The only difference is that today, I am much more selective about who I tell and why.

I used to hate it when they would tell me this but it turned out to be very true and so I suppose it bears repeating; "It gets better. It gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better."

 

[sky dancer]

No, it is very difficult to discuss my trauma. I had a very abusive childhood experience, and I buried all of that in order to function, complete college, work and have a long term relationship.

I only deal with PTSD because I have to with my therapist. I feel alienated alot of the time, and PTSD has wreaked havoc in my life over the last few years.

Pandora's box was opened after I came off a long meditation retreat and was the victim of a crime.

 

[ok4a56]

Yes I can and do talk about what caused and still causes my PTSD. I am an instructor within my agency, and I do an 8 hour class to new hires about stress, PTSD and other stuff. During that time, I tell them about me, what happen to me and how they can try to prevent it.

 

[ok4a56]

I forgot to say, I can talk about it to everyone but my family. I still can't get up the nerve to speak to my wife about it very much/often.

 

[veritas]

I can relate a lot to wanting to get everything out and start talking, but not being able to. Intellectually, I understand that I cannot get better until I talk about it, but a large part of me just doesn't want to go there. It's not that I'm in denial. I accept that things happened. I just don't want to deal with the emotional outpour that invariably follows. It's exhausting and painful. I'd rather be numb and contained. Plus, I'm at a point in my life where I need to start moving again, and this is not a good time for me to open up. I can't afford another standstill.

I joined this site hoping I could talk about it here. Nope, not ready. I started journals, both paper and online. Can't write in them. I've read PTSD books. Can't do the writing exercises.

It's funny because I get so angry when people tell me to just "get over it" because apparently that exactly what I'm trying to do. :rolleyes:

 

[jefferylee]

Hey Brown Eyes,

I've been seeing a trauma therapist for the past 4 years, since being diagnosed with complex PTSD, which as it turns out, I inherited from my father who was a Marine Corps. sniper during WWII and came home a badly damaged man. He would get drunk,tell me his horrid war stories and then beat the hell out of me.

As I grew older, I got in LOTS of trouble, which caused many more trumatic episodes, culminating with seeing 2 men murdered and then having to testify against the 2 who'd committed the murders (after they'd tried to kill me). Then I was placed into Witness Protection, where I was in hiding for the last 40 (!!) years.

Even though I've been through so much shit I could write a book about it, I still find that the HARDEST thing to talk about is the childhood abuse I endured. Even though I have absolute trust in my therapist,it's still like pulling teeth for me to talk about my father and the abuse I suffered at his hands.

While you didn't say whether your childhood trauma involved a family member,i t sounds like that's probably the case and I believe it's such an incredibly difficult subject to discuss because it involves the very people in our lives that we feel are the ones that are supposed to love us and protect us the most. For me, that's still the hardest part to accept, that violation of trust between a child and the one person in your life who's supposed to be looking out for you.

I want to encourage you to KEEP TRYING because one thing I have learned is that every time you can summon the courage to discuss it, that makes the next time just a tiny bit easier for you. Peace and Hope...jefferylee

 

[KateG]

Hello Keenbean

In my experience, the difference between trying desperately to say what I had experienced, and not being able to find the words or just freezing has been because I am trying to de-polarize the event.

It's all there in my mind - the atmosphere, the smells, the whole moment - and it's huge. Using words to describe it brings it down to something smaller than it actually was. Therapists call it "containment". There are no words in the English language to describe fully the experience.

If we are able to put words to the event, it makes it smaller. We can't - and don't wish to - diminish it, as such, but it makes it able to be spoken of. We are then putting it in a "container" which makes it more manageable, and we are then able to talk and talk and talk until it becomes something in our "ordinary" memory. It then loses some of its power over us.

This has been my experience, and I hope it's helpful to you.

KateG

 

[Elly Greenwood]

Yes. I never spoke about the night I was raped because it was my fault for opening the door and letting a stranger in. I was angry and disgusted with myself so I decided to cry it out and suffer for one day then put it out of my head. Which I was very successful at doing. It happened 20 years ago, then 4 years ago I started a tradition of attempting suicide every year around the anniversary. It obviously upsets me more than I realize but I don't know how to begin to deal with it. I don't remember details so recounting or reliving the ordeal is impossible for me. It sounds like you and I waited too long to confront our demons and I have no idea what we're supposed to do.