Can You Talk About Your Trauma?

[sigh]

There's s a reason I chose 'sigh' as my moniker. All my life, because of the abuse, I hold my breath a lot, don't realize I'm not breathing, then end in a big sigh as I must get in some air.
I am good at the pizza ordering technique. In fact, I had a therapist directly challenge me because I was describing something so evenly that he thought I must be making this up.
I'm glad I have DID and haven't solved that one yet. I need my dissociation to get through life. Someone has to run the ship. Writing in the diary here has help me to bring emotion to scene/memory. Because I *look* at the text, because I can read it over and over, I'm able to reply to myself even if I have to think of it as replying to someone else.
I have/have had physical problems definitely related to the abuse. It's just undeniable.

Going at it again and again hopefully will give me a callous and I'll be able to talk more freely.

s.

 

[NomadHeart]

I got used to telling my story at 9. For 6 years I was on the phone every day with the police, social services, etc telling my story on repeat so they would remove me from the house. When I was finally removed, I had to tell it again in court. Then more events happened, and I was in therapy, having to share.

There are times, where my emotions are more raw than usual, and I do get worked up. I feel shame, and guilt, and dirty, and as mentioned above, like a wet blanket. Peopel are curious, and I don't mind educating them, but I don't want to seem like a pity party (as my father called it when I first met him and told him about my life since he's been missing).Then there are times where I am so dissociated and disconnected that I can't even see the listeners reaction.

At the end of the day, no matter how I feel, vocalizing the traumas help me move forward. They allow me to either feel emotions I have blocked surrounding the event, or gather insight on my growth, or the impact over it.

No matter what though, I have to remind myself that I did not allow for the abuse to happen. It is not my fault. And though I say these words with very little belief in them, I have to keep saying it in hopes to one day believe it. If that makes sense. Either way, from what I've seen so far, it's safe to talk about it here, and even if no one reads your posts, or responds to them, you know that information is out there, and it was a therapeutic release.

 

[nao]

I was definately a 'reporter'.....now, I tremble, jerk, choke and generally have all kinds of uncomfortable bodily reactions when I try to talk about it........it's awful.

Mostly, I've just dissociated I guess......but that lead to depression and suicide attempts.

I get that. I didn't even tell anyone. I figured they would think I was a freak or wanted attention. I dream about it. I feel like if I tell anyone they wont treat me the same.

 

[GreenFrog2]

I find it really hard to talk about either my childhood abuse / neglect or my adult Trauma.

My mother was very good at leading others to believe that I was an 'attention seeking' child - especially at school, which led my teachers to be dismissive of me in all things. I tried a few times to get someone to listen, including my father, but as a child was not able to articulate what was going on. So, of course, I was dismissed. This led to me repressing emotions and retarded my social skills development. I wasn't a mis-it, but always struggled to speak up about anything, even expressing an opinion with friends.

I have tried over the years to address this with some success, but my reluctance to 'share' has led to difficulties with many relationships and at work.

As for my adult Trauma - just cant get it out verbally! I did OK writing about it in my journal and am now going through that process again. But, to speak about it is terrifying - even reporting it as an observer is beyond me at this time.

I am trying to speak positive affirmations out aloud at the moment, as I think that this is a safe place to start vocalizing my thoughts and feelings. Hopefully I will be able to build on this, and move the conversations that I have in my head space into verbal communications. Will be a long and really frightening journey, but having a plan and taking little steps toward my recovery is helping me to be positive, and to apportion blame where it belongs.

 

[nao]

I guess I am a step or two behind GreenFrog2. I am terrified to even write down stuff. I am really worried that someone might find what I wrote. I really dont want anyone to know anything. Also good luck. You are really getting better it seems.

 

[GreenFrog2]

Thanks nao! I was terrified to write stuff down too and in my first journal often all that I could manage was single words. At first I thought that was a waste of time, but then I realized that I was writing down words that described exactly how I was feeling. Frightened was the most common, and it took me a long time and writing it countless times before I understood that it really was that simple! I was always frightened - and often still am, but through my journal and being on here, I can believe (most of the time) that my memories can't hurt me.

More importantly that I can function OK even when I am frightened - I know that I learn't to do that as a child!

As an adult I am more sophisticated at this - as I think are many people here - we find ways to cope, and adapt, so that we can keep on living and moving towards being well. I have learnt so much on this forum, and the stories of other peoples experiences have helped me to understand that the process is slow and that it is a roller-coaster!

Writing here has really assisted me to start using my journal again, and I think that I have been making 'sound' progress. Awakenings and light bulb moments are helping me to learn about myself and to understand that because I had the strength as a child to cope (in a child's way) that within me now there is the strength of an adult to cope as well.

I'm not saying that any of this is easy (hell no). What I am trying to say is that I hope you can start with the smallest of words. Just one to get started! Do it here, or in your journal, or on a piece of paper that you throw away! But, open yourself to the idea that sharing and connecting will lead to recovery, and act on this idea in some small way....

:hug: and hope you can find the courage within you to write a word here about yourself. Yes, we will know - but you are anonymous so we won't know anything as well! (Works for me).

 

[nao]

Yeah. I'm not really sure if I am scared of thinking about it, or that someone I know will find it. I am really paranoid about someone finding it. Once my mom found my journal. I was about 11. I barely wrote anything. (Thank the Lord) But she asked me about it. I immediately shut down. I know it sounds terrible but I just ignored her. She didn't ask about it again. Mostly because I barely had written about being depressed. Not what caused it. But still I am really paranoid. She will probably think I am a freak or terrible for thinking about dying. She believes that I don't deserve the power of destroying my life. I guess that's the main reason I cant say anything. She wouldn't forgive me.

 

[GreenFrog2]

My dad decided that it would be appropriate to read my diary when I was in my 20's, and I had written heaps of stuff about being depressed and why (which included him, in part). He then went and told a family friend. I got lucky there because she told him off and let him know that it was totally wrong of him to read anyone's else's diary (without permission).

He then complained to me that he had not known that it was wrong to do - which is how I found out that he had done it! I shut down from humiliation and could not say anything to him about it - pretty much the standard of communication between my dad and me since I was a small child!

Could you start a journal on here - that way you are anonymous and your writing will me accepted by people who understand what you are going through.

 

[nao]

I get that. Everything I tell my mother goes to my father. My father then judges me. He gets angry when I try to be sad. He makes me leave if I cry. So, basically both my parents are out of the question. The best chance I would have telling someone I know would be my sisters. But they are both to busy. They both have a life and boyfriends and stuff. They also think that I am normal and happy. I really worry about what they will think knowing they didnt know i thought like this. Even though they are older they actually come to me for help. I am not sure if I can start a journal, even on here. I think I might be able to. I am not sure. Thanks for even asking

 

[GreenFrog2]

No worries Nao - hang in there! The fact that you are here talking to people is a really good thing, and I am sure that you will find heaps of useful information throughout the site. Take Care, GF.

 

[nao]

Yeah. I hope so. I try. Thanks for talking

 

[NeedToHeal]

I also have experienced a lot of the symptoms mentioned in this forum... mind is foggy and can't remember exactly what happened to bring on the traumatic response, stumbling over words, freezimg, fidgeting, replaying actions that I lived in, sighing due to frustrarion... so much so that the level of anger I have for my past comes out and causes a huge fight between me and my fiance. This has caused a huge distance between her and also between my child. My fiance desperately wants to help but gets extremely frustrated when I can't talk about it or hold back, which seems to be involuntary. She also has trauma and has worked through it, and that pushes the point to me that it isn't that hard. I feel like I've buried it for so long that it's hard for me to be able to pull it out of this "cloud" and when I start too, I get really angry and start raising my voice, which causes her to be defensive. More to that point, when I can separate the emotion, I sound like a weather man and don't really feel better, which is even more confusing since I really want this to be over, aside what is said to the contrary. All of these things then make me feel like a failure along with quite a lot more negative self talk.

About 2 weeks ago, these arguments escalated so much that I thought about and almost attempted suicide. I admitted myself to 72 hr old at the psych ward where I was diagnosed bipolar and ADHD and now am on meds for this. My wonder is that, is it really that or is it PTSD OR a combination of the 2, since the meds have slowed down my thoughts and stave off the negative self talk, only until I try to talk about the trauma.

My story is this - since I could remember, my mother was very verbally, emotionally and to some extent, physically abusive. My mom would instigate fights that would be so heated that I would sit in my room scared and praying it would end. So often that I don't recall many of the good times since they were so infrequent. She would go to the lengths of locking my dad in the garage, forewarning me of fights and manipulating me to side with her and using the stuff she purchased for me as leverage. It was an incredibly dirty game, and one that forced me to dissociate myself from it. If I was scared or crying, she would tell me to stop it and to toughen up. She also would force conversation on me that I had to agree with or she would yell at me more, pin me against the wall, etc. Some talks got so heated, she would slap me, pin me in the corner and yell at me, pill hard on my ears, lips, etc. Basically, if she didn't get her way, she would find a way to get it, no matter what she had to do. What was confusing to me, I felt like I loved her, even though I feared her, and due to that, she would buy me whatever on my dad's credit card. One I remember was components for building a computer, but thought I wasnt smart enough to do it, amd did it herself. Quite a few times, she made me feel as if I was not capable. From her, I was taught emotion was bad, and since have had a hard time showing nothing but anger over pet things, which causes fights I'm afraid of. She also was very loud, embarassimg, pick fights with people then try to repair them later or be so down that she would sleep for 12-15 hours, not talking to anyone until the person she lashed out on apologized to her, bought her something, etc. She acted like a child most days, wanting to be friends with all my friends and not letting me have my space. All of this has led me to believe she is Bipolar, but neither her or my dad went to check that. About 9 yrs ago, I moved in with her. Same issues occurred, except now at me. So much so that she kicked me out with my child over telling her dad a out her BF having pneumonia.. needless to say I left, but did so feeling extremely hurt, angry and confused. So I moved in woth my dad. My dad played into this as well, reminding me of the faults I've had and making me feel worthless and a failure to the point that say accomplishment now was brushed off. There was no support, just backhanded compliments or reminders that I messed up. I have stopped talking to them at this point as talking with my mom infuriates me so much that I scream at her, as she just starts arguing like she did when I was young. It does bother me that I can't get closure to this but know I never will.

There is more I'm sure to this, but can only remember individual situations, and as they come up, I try to remember that I'm now older and it is in the past or try to tell someone when I can, but when I'm called out on a symptom (checking out, dissociation, looking "lost", standing uncomrtably), that's when I can't put it into words and the same thing happens.

I still don't know what the meat of the trauma is, I can't figure it out, but I know it's there since I get so frustrated and angry when trying to think about it.

At this point, I am going into DBT as recommended by a social worker, and from seeing the course outline, it looks like the right thing for me, along with having a 1 on 1 therapist as well, but I just want this over - it's been so long and I don't want it ruining my life.

Sorry so long but feels good to rant this off. Also, thank you to all the other posters, I don't feel so alone knowing others feel the same way too.

-NTH