Cannot meditate

[grit]

I am experiencing some difficulty at work with a manager that brings all her friends from church to work with no qualifications. So all weekend, I have had anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I feel triggered and though have been able to hold the feeling and was able to share it with my husband for support; I cannot sit and go beyond the knot in my stomach. I listened relaxing music, ate well, slept well and tried to meditate for couple hours. No avail and wondering did anyone ever experienced something like this. I can't visualize in meditation and just can't go beyond my anxiety knot. Maybe I am not describing it right. Any insight. Any feedback about what is this? I thought depression because I am unable to dissoicate...which is a good thing but maybe it is not familiar way. My energy is low but I am able to housework. My appetite is good. Just stuck
Thanks

 

[Deanna]

The manager that brings her friends to work.. I guess I'm confussed as to why are they there and what is she bringing them in for?

 

[grit]

The manager that brings her friends to work.. I guess I'm confussed as to why are they there and what is she bringing them in for?

She hired bunch of people who do not qualify so the job is not hard but the insecurity and politics are high. It is a great org and huge without giving details so I won't quit but can move around but working under nepotism is painful. In the meantime I need to manage my anxiety...

 

[Deanna]

Sheesh.. That is a tough corner. Know everyone here is thinking about you and rooting for you as she does this. There is nothing keeping the people she's hiring to stay. I'd move to a different position. Since you've been there for longer than the " newbies" it may be she just needs to give u a promotion and teach the newbies. Talk with her.

 

[Sideways]

Have you had a crack at some different guided meditations?

Visualisation and imagery are a no-go for me with meditation. But other types that focus on breathing and counting work well for me. Everyone is different. And shorter lengths - 10-20 minutes twice a day is heaps!

Remember that it’s not the goal of having no thoughts, or no anxiety, while you’re meditating. A mindfulness exercise that actually focuses on that knot in your stomach sounds counter-intuitive, but there are some great mindfulness exercises that focus on an uncomfortable feeling or sensation as a way to ultimately ease it.

There’s some super-short guided relaxations on the PTSD coach app (super short) that I find good. But often just revisiting breathing exercises is all my brain can manage and that’s helpful too.

 

[hithere]

have you tried asking the "knot" what it is there for? As you get in position or posture for meditation, start your regular practice and if the knot is there, acknowledge it, honor it, and ask it what is it afraid of or what is it trying to tell you? Allow it to answer. Use the space of meditation to hear the answer (and perhaps see it.) this has worked for me

 

[grit]

Thank you so much. I will try meditating again tonight and see if I can release this deep fear.

 

[blackemerald1]

Grit.. a couple of things with the meditation...

A couple of hours is waaay too long... I agree with @Sideways

Try for two minutes initially - you can always lengthen it once you begin to feel a little success
focus on your breathing even when not sitting and trying to meditate,
pull back your shoulders when sitting or standing,
make sure you breath well enough that your gut expands
try not to measure success in meditating... the fact that you stop your busy schedule and sit quietly for a few moments is a success!

The knot in your gut is tension...

As for your work situation idk... what to say... she's the boss.. :rolleyes: Nepotism is horrible, hang in there her relations will probably give up and run when they have to put up with her after a while???

:hug:

 

[grit]

The problem is not meditation! The problem was I was triggered and could not move beyond that. Work stress is normal and I could handle it but my body was in a knot like real fight and flight!!! So unsustainable.... That was the issue.
@hithere ....thank you so much. An amazing thing happened. I meditated and asked.... And I am floored.... I felt I did not 'belong'. The knot was gone and my breathing could reach my toes and I slept like a baby.... I am so grateful to this community to all of you. I am worried about work still but that deep flight feeling is gone. I am really curious about this. I felt I did not ever felt belonged. I also dreamed a woman breaking thorough window to scare me and I felt violated but she apologized and gave me a room with better window... Harder to get into!

The beauty for me was I did not dissociate and even better couldn't... So I feel really good that I could contained such trigger for so long and not dysregulate or dissociate or use many other original coping.

 

[grit]

Interesting enough, I came work and one of the nepotism girl was already here applying for internal jobs! and I lost my weekend over this... Not funny but shows the interesting games that life plays!

 

[grit]

I want to provide a bit more about this situation. The nepotism girl (few of them but a particular one) and I had a conversation about something which I sent in a email to our supervisor. Weirdly enough, during a meeting the Nepo Girl shared my idea as it was hers while directly I am sitting across from her. If there was a moment of clarity in my entire life - that was one of the top! I have had these experiences many times over the years and it is the foundation of why I never got promoted. I share an idea that I already put forward to the higher ups and either the higher up or another person who somehow gets hold of this steals it right under my nose AND I NEVER SAID ANYTHING!
I never said anything because I was afraid of my emotions getting the best of me. This fear is my PTSD symptom. Why would I be afraid to say calmly and rationally that as XX is saying, that was actually my idea which I sent email recently to YYY and to elaborate here is my reasons (since that person does not have the reasons I had). FEAR! irrational fear that I carried all my life.
I spoke up calmly and with such a cool head (this must be how a person without a trauma or healthier than me must feel --- just wondering) and I expanded on my rationale since again she did not have or did not research this part.
BOOM! done. without putting her down or calling her out. I just let it slipped that I sent email earlier about this to YY sitting right by me.

Now after the meeting, I confronted the Nepo girl in humor and said hey girl you should have called me out for my idea....my stomach was flat and no anxiety or knot or any fear fight or flight or fawn NOTHING!
I WAS SPONTANEOUS, EXPRESSIVE AND OPEN.

She looked embarrassed (as she should) and started to rattle on about this and that and I hold her shame - I was conscious not to alienate her or make the situation into anger. Since I was not angry but conscious about owning my idea and informing her it is my idea - no escalation.

If I approached her with my PTSD fight/flight or anxiety ridden stomach, she would have picked up my anger and hostility and I did not. Dodge a freight train here.

Something is lifted in my life.

 

[hithere]

Wow @grit this is a really cool story. You explain it so well, too! this is really cool that you have had some "freeing" from this. I hope there is more to come.