Can't. Do. It. Anymore.

[Teasel]

So sorry you've been feeling so low, sounds ever so hard. Sitting with you @whiteraven

 

[Grasping Hope]

Sorry you are experiencing similar feelings.


I think it's a number of factors, including getting older and being around the holidays. But I also think it's "just" an underlying depression. I don't want to do anything or talk to anybody, and I'd be happy to just go to sleep and never wake up.

I've lost a LOT of friends and family over the years--I think last count was 45. All of my friends have died, and I just don't have the capacity for small talk with acquaintances. The only person I talk to anymore is my almost 91-year-old mom.

I finally came to understand my own beliefs about death and am not afraid anymore--which you would think would free me up to enjoy the now, but there is just no joy day-to-day.

I get that. That level of depression, where you'd like to go to sleep and not wake up. And the overwhelming loss. I've called it malignant grief. Where you don't grieve each loss separately and move on, but they pile up one on another into a mountain.

Not sure there's any connection between not being afraid of death, and the capacity to enjoy life. At least, I share the same combination: knowing death is nothing to be afraid of, but don't know when I last felt joy.

 

[shimmerz]

Not sure there's any connection between not being afraid of death, and the capacity to enjoy life. At least, I share the same combination: knowing death is nothing to be afraid of, but don't know when I last felt joy.

I feel this very much so. I used to bounce from one cool experience to the next in life. I LOVED life. PTSD; my awareness that people just don't 'get' it; makes integrating back into society impossible. That makes it impossible for me to have the same attitude or to feel joy in this world. Hard to see the plot anymore. So for now I am just trying to see beauty. Watch the sun rise. Feel the breeze on my shoulder and the sun warm my face. Go to outdoor markets.

I have lost a lot of people as well. I am trying to shift to feeling pleasures without having others. It isn't easy. Sitting with you all through this 'holiday'.

 

[whiteraven]

Is there way you can actually express this? I buy cheap dishes to break, chop wood. They have rage rooms, highly recommend. Many cry in them. Or make you own as I have done. I have fill balloons with paint and destroyed walls. Make space for your anger and despair.

I thought about this. I don't know if we have anything around here that would help, but it's something I definitely need. Now, the rage has dissipated (although the tears still come out of nowhere), and the depression is overbearing.

 

[mamachick]

I totally relate to wanting to sleep and not wake up. I just cant think of a reason to get out of bed. My husband gets done work about 5pm and wakes me often. I also stay up half the night and though its not the norm, I really dont care. I dont really feel part of anything anymore, nor do I want to . My dogs are my best friends.

 

[whiteraven]

I totally relate to wanting to sleep and not wake up. I just cant think of a reason to get out of bed. My husband gets done work about 5pm and wakes me often. I also stay up half the night and though its not the norm, I really dont care. I dont really feel part of anything anymore, nor do I want to . My dogs are my best friends.

Sorry you are feeling the same. My *cats* are my besties!