Can't Express Negative Emotions (i.e. Anger)

[ladee]

There are many many books to read about all our issues. For years in between T's I would read anything I could get my hands on to do with what i was going thru at the time.... No awesome place like this to come to and ask questions and get support.... so try to utilize what you can find. I didn't have one T for many years... I had different T's for different issues.... but read a lot... don't know if you have a library close by... that way it wouldn't be out of pocket money to have to spend. Our library will get certain books if requested... hope you find a way. You sound strong and determined.. The fact we have PTSD and are still here , speaks volumes about our ability to find a way. Gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Tinyflame]

How long

I suppose, @Longing_for_the_sea , all of your post #8, except I am in mid/later-40's.

 

[TinkerG]

... I completely exploded with rage. That was 5 years ago, I'm still afraid of my own temper, and so is everyone else.

What I didnt realize, was that I wasnt not angry, I was terrified of what would happen if I expressed anger so I was totally disassociated from it.

When something happens that pushes you over the edge, theres no going back. I can go from 0 to 100 in a second. I dont care who sees it and I feel no embarrassment. I feel no fear, just insane with the power rush of rage. Its actually a great feeling, like scratching an itch and you just cant stop.....

I call this (laughingly), "zero to nuclear in b*tch seconds" - and according to others it is very scary indeed.

It is an amazing sight to see... sometimes I would experience it outside, watching myself - I don't think I do it anymore but I tend to avoid dealing with things, so I could just be avoid dealing with it.

 

[sedna]

Over the years, there has been a certain type of individual that sets me off and I do show...

Longing for the Sea,

What you have just described is exactly how I was my entire adult life. What happened is the abusive situation escalated from what I was used to, and authority figures i.e. attorneys , judges, police, psychiatrists etc got involved, as well as some relatives I had been avoiding for decades.

The powerlessness I felt, and the prolonged convoluted disaster is what sent me over the edge. It is then that I developed that uncontrollable rage, and not during the years of that particular nightmare...it hit right after it was all over and has never gone away.

I want to tell you this, because I see what you described as being how I was, and I wouldnt have known that I could turn into something else. I was 42, I didnt think I could suddenly snap and be so much different either.

Its important to to make sure as much as possible that your situation doesnt escalate, and that you respect your limits of what you can handle. If you feel that 'stress cup ' is full. Demand help from somewhere until you get it. Your PTSD can keep escalating also. Be good to yourself as much as possible, what I just described is preventable I think, I didnt know how to ask for help, and I didnt know I had PTSD. I only got drugs for anxiety, and no real help.

 

[Deleted member 34535]

Does anyone feel like they don't ever have a right to express anger? That giving into it is...

I can understand this. Those of us here who have been abused in one form or another are looking for love and acceptance. So we totally avoid expressing ourselves and letting someone know that they had no right to do "X" to us. Most of the time what do we do, we bend over and grab the ankles and thank the piece of crap person for allowing us to be a part of their life. It is all about self worth. Most of us here have none because of the hideous acts of what I like to call human debris. The way we beat this is to realize that our feelings of the utter lack of self-worth were brought upon us through no fault of our own. I, personally, look back at my life from long ago to the present and do an inventory of what I have done and how I have treated others. And in doing so, I find that I am a good person. So I do have self worth, and my self worth is not for sale. It is mine. If someone else wants their own self worth, they will have to get theirs on their own.

 

[Longing_for_the_sea]

Funny you should mention abuse --

My abusive husband died suddenly of a massive heart attack (type A personality)... I had a bonfire. Burned most everything. Thought it would be therapeutic. The kids kept some things that they wanted (photos, mementos) but everything tying me to him is gone. I didn't feel anything. Nothing. When they told me he was dead, I didn't react at all. They were shocked that I didn't even say anything except - is there something I have to sign or take care of for the hospital? No emotion.

It was like I had died inside on so many levels from just existing in fear and desperation everyday; fear of what I –or worse the kids –were going to do to get screamed at or beaten down. If I left, even to get a gallon of milk, I had to take all five of them with me sometimes because the worst things happened to them when I was absent for secular work, or other necessary reasons (doctor, etc.). He wouldn't kill anyone, but he did leave permanent damage physically and emotionally. I feared for them, but felt literally powerless to change things. I was so broken... even suicidal at several points, but I refused to abandon my children to him and his monster (mother). I lived in fear of his randomly spaced violent outbursts and with the knowledge that I was a possession and a stupid burden that was only there because of his lust and his pity, for 18 years. The children were only obstacles to his preferred way of life –self indulging and private. I got angry and unloaded on him verbally –just once. He didn't hit me, never did. Only the kids and that was worse. He tore us up emotionally - I wish he had hit me instead. His thing was playing vicious mind games... he did so, until I was convinced I had nothing to offer anyone. I can't even go to his grave and purge feelings. I don't know where it is.... and actually, I am glad of that. He doesn't deserve a visit. He doesn't deserve anything from me. I even hate mentioning his name.

I know there is more inside. You see -- I wouldn't have even gone out with him if I hadn't been conditioned to believe no one would have me; that I had NO VOICE and that I was at the mercy of whoever would take pity on me. My mother had NO VOICE either and when she tried to protest, she was shut down hard. That spoke volumes. My young life was filled with many unhealthy messages, and unreasonable fears as well...also things I can't remember no matter how hard I try. But there are triggers and there have been flashbacks at times. There is a person in the family I just cannot be around without screaming on the inside and desperately wanting to get away. My skin crawls when he is around. I have no memories... just smells, colors and textures that I cannot abide.

Not even sure how to proceed... I have read volumes on abuse, self-esteem, dealing with controlling people, co-dependence, etc. I have learned some, but still battle everyday to feel any worth. My art helps, my writing helps too, but I don't have too much time or the motivation to do either most of the time. I work too much and then the rest of the time I find mind-numbing things to get lost in because I can't cope. It is a waste because I lost so much time being in that life and I want so much more.

 

[TinkerG]

@Longing_for_the_sea, it took me a long time to crawl out of the hole I was in but I eventually did and slowly I tried one thing after another. These are just suggestions of things that might help you, as they have helped me:

If you have a women's shelter in the area, they offer help of all kinds to deal with domestic violence, DV is not just physical. Counseling, group therapy, classes, free legal help and more ... if you aren't sure of the place, just google one for your area: "women's shelter __(town, state)__" - should come up with local help. I received all kinds of help from my local women's shelter including free counseling, legal aid and more. If you have children not yet grown - let the shelter know, they usually have help for children too. Just because your husband passed doesn't mean you don't need help - it's there to help women, whatever the problem - at whatever time in your life and its all free.

You can have a long, fulfilling, life - sometimes it doesnt seem that way, I know - the weight of the past sometimes pulls us back into that hole - but it's true. Make a list of those things you want. Take the list and for each one, investigate the way to fufill it - make it a checkbox list and go after them. You have time if you want it.

As I've said before to others - you were born into this world and you have a right to thrive - don't let him have anymore of your time. -I know its not easy, I struggle every day - I even backslide but it does get better...just have to hold on to that rope.

 

[Chitoshi]

@Longing_for_the_sea , I have felt like I don't deserve to be angry for YEARS. I recently had a breakthrough according to my T, but honestly it doesn't much feel like it. I get angry to the point of rage and vindictiveness/nasty verbal comments for even small things now. My T says that this is normal for someone who has not felt they had the right to be angry for a long time, and it took me awhile to get this way. Quite frankly, I'm starting to be angry all the time over minor things and the next step for me and my T is to work on harnessing that anger and giving it a safe, appropriate outlet. My T is super thrilled that I got here this quickly, though. It's only been since about January that I've been in therapy, and he says this is a huge milestone on a long road, but it is something to be celebrated, even if I am swearing over the lone dish that didn't get put into the dishwasher. I have a nagging suspicion that I'm more angry now than I ever was because I didn't have time to process the injustices that were inflicted upon me, so I'm making up for lost time. Don't let this scare you, though. This is just where my next step went. :)

It takes time, be kind to yourself. I'm still dealing with the underlying thought that I shouldn't be angry and don't deserve to be angry. As my T and my boyfriend said, "That's a bit of an unrealistic standard to hold yourself to, isn't it?" (I don't know if they ACTUALLY said it that way, I'm paraphrasing.) Basically, I'm at the point where self-talk and realizing it's okay to be angry at things for various reasons is healthy. All of my negative emotions are translating to anger now, and I'm just trying to take it as it comes.

I still want to disappear and if I'm not careful with my thoughts and forget how to self-soothe or talk to myself to remind myself it's ok to be angry, I'll still escalate right into a panic attack and want to disappear because it's still not completely ok to be angry in my head. Other times I'll get so angry and I'm not sure why. I understand what you're saying.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to be angry about things, and it's completely normal to feel like you aren't "allowed" or "don't deserve" to be angry. I still feel that way and I'm at the point where I almost can't control my anger. It's a learning process. If it is ok for others to be angry, it is ok for you to be angry, too! (Easier said than done, I know. :) )

Hang in there, I'm here for you. I think we all are. :hug: I agree with everyone about finding someone to help. I ignored my PTSD for four years, and I have made more progress since starting to see a therapist and work through these things in therapy than I ever have on my own. I'm lucky I found a great therapist right from the get-go, but some people need to shop around before they find a therapist they can have a good relationship with. If you ever need to talk, I'm always around.

 

[Tinyflame]

Could I just ask, is it possibly 'normal' to not feel angry much? Thank you.

 

[Chitoshi]

Could I just ask, is it possibly 'normal' to not feel angry much? Thank you.

Probably? I think it probably depends on how we individually process these things? I am not an expert though so don't take what I say as fact. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, I'm no expert either :rolleyes: , so thank you @Chitoshi .