Some days are better than others, but mostly I am just going through the motions of life, staying alive, and flying by the seat of my pants I guess you could say. This has been going on year after year, since 2008, since the onset of ptsd.
My therapist has suggested that I may have ptsd from early childhood rather than an assault that occurred in 2008. I did get married at 17 and to an abusive man. I can see that I had symptoms during and after that marraige. I remarried and life became stable and calm, and how I liked it. I spent the next many years being a stay at home mom. I gained a lot of self esteem and confidence by facing things that I previously feared. I not only did not mind my role as domestic engineer, I loved it. Raising a family, renovating a house, starting traditions for the family, I had several close friendships. My entire life goal was to change the family dynamics which I was born into. Ending the chaos, drama, triangulations, etc. Encouraging, guiding, and supporting my children to be the independent people that they are today. I did things for myself as well, and looked very forward to these things, such as exercise classes, walking, and some hobbies, but they were all second to my first committment-my family.
I had a particular passion for a profession that I once never thought possible. When my kids were about 10 and 12, I decided to return to school and pursue this dream, a dream that I had before I remarried or had children. I knew it would create change, something my husband is not comfortable with. I got my Bachelor with about a 3.8, and then went on for my masters. Through this time, I began having requests from my family, such as an hour or two one time a week to get household jobs done. My husband would agree and even though the kids did not like it, we joined together and all pitched in for an hour a week, while I still continued with all the other things (chauffeur, recreation director, tutor, laundry, shopping, soccer mom, accountant, nurse, etc). However, he would help for a couple weeks and then make excuses about set times and the help would stop altogether. Only if I got REAL assertive about it, the cycle would begin again. My husband worked his job and provided financially. He also took the trash out on Monday nights. He never saw anything that needed done but would do without hassle if asked for the most part. My choice lead to me giving up much control, such as, while I was in class, he would have to help one daughter with homework too. I did not mind this. I realized that I could not be successful in my career and be total super mom too. I am not a perfectionist by any means. During my masters program, my husband moved out. By now the girls were 14 and 16.
Throughout school, most of the time I did not have a computer that I needed, so I would have to work at library or friends. Many of the books I could not afford to purchase, so I borrowed from classmates. I still graduated with my masters with a 3.9.
Once seperated, my 16 yr old became more and more manipulative. My husband was invisible during these years for most part, except that he did attend kids sporting events which I often could not do. My 16 yr old would cause a lot of drama, (much being what 16 yr old girls do-fighting with sister, pushing limits, etc), but she would call her father complaining and he always took her side, even though he never took them for the weekend, and I was still on full duty, as well as all the other responsibilites. He did take over paying the bills and did come cut grass sometimes. I was running like a nut finishing school, doing an internship, working part time, full time with kids and house. We think kids need less in these years, but reality is that they are beginning to experiement and can go down the wrong path too easily. During all of this, for the most part, I remained calm and rational and was still a really good mother. The 16 yr old was actually very cruel with me and I had concerns about this-her father minimized everything. He is the type with rosey glasses on-no big deal. While there were many stressers in my life, I passed my licensing exam and went on to put in 3000 hours to complete licensing requirements. Then I fell in a grocery store, was unconscious, suffered a traumatic brain injury, broken rib and collapsed lung. My life changed drastically. Now I could hardly keep up with all that I needed to do, and with no help. My children refused to do anything around the house, their father said they did not have to. This is when depression and anxiety came in. I never missed work, completed the 3000 hours, and was fully licensed. I was also very successful and talented in my work, and I felt good about my jobs. By now, my 16 yr old was 18, received a good college scholarship, told me to F off and moved into a friends house.
Her head was too big. She was not at all humble. Was manipulative too. She said she did not want to be around a sick person-physical and depression I was struggling with. She was overconfident and refused any guidance from me regarding college. After the first semester, she lost her scholarship. I was not well enough to work full time, and if her father claimed her on taxes, she would get no financial aid. So I claimed her and had to slow down my own carreer so that she could get through college. She did so without loans. I feel like I sacrificed my career for her. At first she begged me to help with this, but over time, just took it for granted.
Both my health and career suffered. Since I could never take a full break from work, I was not getting better. Yet with my responsibilities to family, I could not accept more work because of both physical limitations, but mostly because of my desire to give my daughters the opportunity to get a college education, something I never had in my youth. Basically, my family made a decision to keep me poor to get the girls through college. After working 2 yrs struggling with health problems and depression and anxiety, I took some time off-which I expected to be 6 months, maybe a year max. After my daughter graduated, she went to law school. I had a settlement from my injury that subsidized her living expenses. Many of the problems were directly related to her father, who knew that I was a great mother for all these years, but jumped at the opportunity to make me the bad guy if I expected anything from my children-even respect, always siding with daughter, who was extremely demanding and has no flexibility.
Four months after quitting work, I was assaulted in my home. I had extreme meltdown and was diagnosed with ptsd a few months later. Six months later-I had a failed suicide attempt. I remember feeling so lost with no hope for any happiness in the future. Six years have passed since the assault, and sometimes I think I am getting better. I isolate alot, and have even been known to participate in high risk behavior-something unlike me in the past. Now that my savings is gone, my daughter finds no use for me in her life.
I have some good days where I get motivated and feel a sense of accomplishment. Many days I do not feel any accomplishment or sense of purpose. I am now on disability alone and feel like a burden to the husband I am still just seperated from (due to insurance and extreme medical bills). We are civilized and he would like to be back together. I feel like I would be totally defeated, even though I still love him, I dont know if I am in love, as I dont really have any passion for anything anymore. I am on the best medication regimine found so far.
I have recently had an awareness of some behaviors that are concerning. I have had SI in the past during drama, without meds or counseling that insurance denied. But I have noticed that I have been cleaning out the house, purging over the past couple years, but more concerning, I seem to be unconsciously preparing for the end. I have been giving things away that have value to me. I have been sorting and packing up things that I want each of my daughters to have. I have been tying up loose ends. I am doing all the things that people talk about when they have a plan for the end-yet I have no plan.
There is a part of me that has a ray of hope that something will change, that God will come into my life and recognize me as worthy and one of his children, and that I will find some purpose that I will be able to achieve that will make a difference in this world. Sometimes I am even in a panic to accomplish these things so that my husband will have the house and our daughters and things will be easier for them.
I hate that I still feel like a victim, not just to the person who assaulted me and abused me for hours, but a victim to my own family. I am ashamed that I am not stronger, and even when I find that ray of hope and try to initiate other plans, I feel squashed and give up quickly. This is not the person that I once was.
I dont have a plan and I dont want to hurt those that I love. I just feel as though all the others in my family have been given the opportunity to succeed, and all I am good for is repairing things, cleaning, and doing the menial things that I was born to do. I hate to say that all of my dreams have been sabatoged by my family that I have loved with all of my heart. I think they would be better off without me.
The person that I once was, that was well respected by others, that lived with integrity, that was assertive, has been broken in the worst way. I really believe that my husband and daughters have been blessed to have a quality of life that I will never have, and at the root, I think I am damaged goods and not deserving, and that its hopeless. Meanwhile, I am getting older and my failing health is further discouragement. I feel a failure. I feel unworthy. I feel very abused and taken advantage of. I feel manipulated and conned.
My husband was not abusive, passive aggressive most likely, and his feelings of rejections likely enticed him to create further chaos, make me feel overwhelmed, and to feel crazy and too stupid to do what I once did very well. We have had recent talks of getting back together. I am exhausted. While I want to be alone, my physical abilities limit me from doing all the things that need done. I cant even carry dog food because of arm injuries that resulted from the assault.
My husband and children now have good jobs, Im still cleaning up the messes.They are earning good money, traveling, growing, have significant others, etc. -and that I am happy for. My head spins with what I need to do to feel better about myself-since I failed in my career. My purpose was my children, later, my purpose was my work.
I know my posts are always too long, and may be too long for others to read. Is there anyone out there that has experienced a similar situation? I am very desperate for any advice of how others have found some purpose and meaning in their lives. How do you start over, especially when I am still grieving for the woman that I once was and lost. I admire anyone who can read this post and share any advice on how to get past this. I dont want to die, I dont want to live. I am desperate for help. I cant even start a decent thread that summarizes where I am coming from without such length. Thank you if you are willing to respond. I really appreciate any feedback and need help in sorting this out.
My therapist has suggested that I may have ptsd from early childhood rather than an assault that occurred in 2008. I did get married at 17 and to an abusive man. I can see that I had symptoms during and after that marraige. I remarried and life became stable and calm, and how I liked it. I spent the next many years being a stay at home mom. I gained a lot of self esteem and confidence by facing things that I previously feared. I not only did not mind my role as domestic engineer, I loved it. Raising a family, renovating a house, starting traditions for the family, I had several close friendships. My entire life goal was to change the family dynamics which I was born into. Ending the chaos, drama, triangulations, etc. Encouraging, guiding, and supporting my children to be the independent people that they are today. I did things for myself as well, and looked very forward to these things, such as exercise classes, walking, and some hobbies, but they were all second to my first committment-my family.
I had a particular passion for a profession that I once never thought possible. When my kids were about 10 and 12, I decided to return to school and pursue this dream, a dream that I had before I remarried or had children. I knew it would create change, something my husband is not comfortable with. I got my Bachelor with about a 3.8, and then went on for my masters. Through this time, I began having requests from my family, such as an hour or two one time a week to get household jobs done. My husband would agree and even though the kids did not like it, we joined together and all pitched in for an hour a week, while I still continued with all the other things (chauffeur, recreation director, tutor, laundry, shopping, soccer mom, accountant, nurse, etc). However, he would help for a couple weeks and then make excuses about set times and the help would stop altogether. Only if I got REAL assertive about it, the cycle would begin again. My husband worked his job and provided financially. He also took the trash out on Monday nights. He never saw anything that needed done but would do without hassle if asked for the most part. My choice lead to me giving up much control, such as, while I was in class, he would have to help one daughter with homework too. I did not mind this. I realized that I could not be successful in my career and be total super mom too. I am not a perfectionist by any means. During my masters program, my husband moved out. By now the girls were 14 and 16.
Throughout school, most of the time I did not have a computer that I needed, so I would have to work at library or friends. Many of the books I could not afford to purchase, so I borrowed from classmates. I still graduated with my masters with a 3.9.
Once seperated, my 16 yr old became more and more manipulative. My husband was invisible during these years for most part, except that he did attend kids sporting events which I often could not do. My 16 yr old would cause a lot of drama, (much being what 16 yr old girls do-fighting with sister, pushing limits, etc), but she would call her father complaining and he always took her side, even though he never took them for the weekend, and I was still on full duty, as well as all the other responsibilites. He did take over paying the bills and did come cut grass sometimes. I was running like a nut finishing school, doing an internship, working part time, full time with kids and house. We think kids need less in these years, but reality is that they are beginning to experiement and can go down the wrong path too easily. During all of this, for the most part, I remained calm and rational and was still a really good mother. The 16 yr old was actually very cruel with me and I had concerns about this-her father minimized everything. He is the type with rosey glasses on-no big deal. While there were many stressers in my life, I passed my licensing exam and went on to put in 3000 hours to complete licensing requirements. Then I fell in a grocery store, was unconscious, suffered a traumatic brain injury, broken rib and collapsed lung. My life changed drastically. Now I could hardly keep up with all that I needed to do, and with no help. My children refused to do anything around the house, their father said they did not have to. This is when depression and anxiety came in. I never missed work, completed the 3000 hours, and was fully licensed. I was also very successful and talented in my work, and I felt good about my jobs. By now, my 16 yr old was 18, received a good college scholarship, told me to F off and moved into a friends house.
Her head was too big. She was not at all humble. Was manipulative too. She said she did not want to be around a sick person-physical and depression I was struggling with. She was overconfident and refused any guidance from me regarding college. After the first semester, she lost her scholarship. I was not well enough to work full time, and if her father claimed her on taxes, she would get no financial aid. So I claimed her and had to slow down my own carreer so that she could get through college. She did so without loans. I feel like I sacrificed my career for her. At first she begged me to help with this, but over time, just took it for granted.
Both my health and career suffered. Since I could never take a full break from work, I was not getting better. Yet with my responsibilities to family, I could not accept more work because of both physical limitations, but mostly because of my desire to give my daughters the opportunity to get a college education, something I never had in my youth. Basically, my family made a decision to keep me poor to get the girls through college. After working 2 yrs struggling with health problems and depression and anxiety, I took some time off-which I expected to be 6 months, maybe a year max. After my daughter graduated, she went to law school. I had a settlement from my injury that subsidized her living expenses. Many of the problems were directly related to her father, who knew that I was a great mother for all these years, but jumped at the opportunity to make me the bad guy if I expected anything from my children-even respect, always siding with daughter, who was extremely demanding and has no flexibility.
Four months after quitting work, I was assaulted in my home. I had extreme meltdown and was diagnosed with ptsd a few months later. Six months later-I had a failed suicide attempt. I remember feeling so lost with no hope for any happiness in the future. Six years have passed since the assault, and sometimes I think I am getting better. I isolate alot, and have even been known to participate in high risk behavior-something unlike me in the past. Now that my savings is gone, my daughter finds no use for me in her life.
I have some good days where I get motivated and feel a sense of accomplishment. Many days I do not feel any accomplishment or sense of purpose. I am now on disability alone and feel like a burden to the husband I am still just seperated from (due to insurance and extreme medical bills). We are civilized and he would like to be back together. I feel like I would be totally defeated, even though I still love him, I dont know if I am in love, as I dont really have any passion for anything anymore. I am on the best medication regimine found so far.
I have recently had an awareness of some behaviors that are concerning. I have had SI in the past during drama, without meds or counseling that insurance denied. But I have noticed that I have been cleaning out the house, purging over the past couple years, but more concerning, I seem to be unconsciously preparing for the end. I have been giving things away that have value to me. I have been sorting and packing up things that I want each of my daughters to have. I have been tying up loose ends. I am doing all the things that people talk about when they have a plan for the end-yet I have no plan.
There is a part of me that has a ray of hope that something will change, that God will come into my life and recognize me as worthy and one of his children, and that I will find some purpose that I will be able to achieve that will make a difference in this world. Sometimes I am even in a panic to accomplish these things so that my husband will have the house and our daughters and things will be easier for them.
I hate that I still feel like a victim, not just to the person who assaulted me and abused me for hours, but a victim to my own family. I am ashamed that I am not stronger, and even when I find that ray of hope and try to initiate other plans, I feel squashed and give up quickly. This is not the person that I once was.
I dont have a plan and I dont want to hurt those that I love. I just feel as though all the others in my family have been given the opportunity to succeed, and all I am good for is repairing things, cleaning, and doing the menial things that I was born to do. I hate to say that all of my dreams have been sabatoged by my family that I have loved with all of my heart. I think they would be better off without me.
The person that I once was, that was well respected by others, that lived with integrity, that was assertive, has been broken in the worst way. I really believe that my husband and daughters have been blessed to have a quality of life that I will never have, and at the root, I think I am damaged goods and not deserving, and that its hopeless. Meanwhile, I am getting older and my failing health is further discouragement. I feel a failure. I feel unworthy. I feel very abused and taken advantage of. I feel manipulated and conned.
My husband was not abusive, passive aggressive most likely, and his feelings of rejections likely enticed him to create further chaos, make me feel overwhelmed, and to feel crazy and too stupid to do what I once did very well. We have had recent talks of getting back together. I am exhausted. While I want to be alone, my physical abilities limit me from doing all the things that need done. I cant even carry dog food because of arm injuries that resulted from the assault.
My husband and children now have good jobs, Im still cleaning up the messes.They are earning good money, traveling, growing, have significant others, etc. -and that I am happy for. My head spins with what I need to do to feel better about myself-since I failed in my career. My purpose was my children, later, my purpose was my work.
I know my posts are always too long, and may be too long for others to read. Is there anyone out there that has experienced a similar situation? I am very desperate for any advice of how others have found some purpose and meaning in their lives. How do you start over, especially when I am still grieving for the woman that I once was and lost. I admire anyone who can read this post and share any advice on how to get past this. I dont want to die, I dont want to live. I am desperate for help. I cant even start a decent thread that summarizes where I am coming from without such length. Thank you if you are willing to respond. I really appreciate any feedback and need help in sorting this out.
