Can't Find My Purpose And Desperately Need Help

[shimmerz]

Oh Boy can I relate to this one. I am not certain that I can do this tonight but I just wanted you to know that so much of your story resonates with me. I will come back to this if that is okay when I am a little more grounded. Love and Light...

 

[ghotiff]

I honestly dont know why I am clearing out-I know that I need simplicity badly

believing if I am rid of clutter, my brain will be too, but it never is

These two thoughts really stood out for me. I think you are right and the de-cluttering may well not be a sign of SI, but instead of a willingness to face your problems. Clutter can be very distracting allow focus on external objects/things ....de-cluttering may well be the first step to you freeing up your time and emotional energy so that you can start focusing on You.

 

[mamachick]

shimmerz I look forward to hearing more from you and your thoughts and how you relate to this.

ghotiff-I have no current SI and I really am trying to find structure and balance in my days by doing so much physical stuff, then paper work or phone calls, errands, etc so that I do not become overwhelmed or exhausted. Clutter is very distracting to me, especially clutter in my head.

I dont mean this to be a sexist comment-even with ptsd and tbi, I might be able to earn a decent living if I had a "wife/mother" that washed the clothes, stocked the frige, had meals ready, did all the errands, took care of all the household things needed. I chose to be that person at one time but now feel that I was not permitted to leave that role when I chose to. There was such resistance that it was actually sabatoging. I think you are right ghotiff, thank you for pointing that out. I dream of getting things off my plate and feeling like I can relax and read and journal and find some calmness in life. I just become discouraged much easier than years ago .

 

[Powder]

Brat17, I will try to answer your question in one word. Yes. I think so.

And I just relate to everything you have said about what it feels like; I've done and said everything you said in your last post, as if I wrote it.

My last flashback, after the "lesser traumas" surfaced (I say that sardonically cause they were trauma, too) was a near-death experience (NDE) flashback of "coming back" from the soft darkness. No tunnel or any of that was in the flashback (too brief). I did feel forced to come back, like it was not by choice.

This has led me to research NDEs a bit. I learned that there are patterns after an NDE, and that those patters are differently epressed if the NDE occurred during chidhood (like mine) or adulthood (like yours). But, there is a commonality that I see in your posts. The research has looked at external things like adult NDEs divorce and child NDEs keep long-term relationships, statistically. But these research parameters fail to examine what it "feels like" to go and come back.

That is a difficulty in just "being here" and "in a body" that, it itself, I don't think, is just plan PTSD. That is why the need to find simple ways to enjoy the body, lovingly, is both forgotten and necessary to "relearn."

Some new research is now looking into the developmental aspect of trauma (to examine the DSM criteria more accurately for C-PTSD or other gradients based on developmental stages) but NDE is studied separate from PTSD. Only one site I found looks at it as one of the items on the list dealing with etiology or cause of PTSD. I can't help but feel the tenor of NDE/PTSD is a "different vibration" and has it's own contributions to the holistic experience of the human survivor.

Sorry to be technical. I know I'm stretching beyond the known into conjecture. But there is something common. Any thoughts you want to share are welcome.

I also share your lifetime of hard work and lack of adequate support has eroded my sense of joy and ability to connect that inside and with others. Some of it is PTSD numbing, but some is learned through a hard life with too little connection.

I hope you feel supported soon and that massage and aromatherapy are a support and a deep healing for your mind, body and spirit.

XOXO Muse

 

[mamachick]

Dear Muse,
I had never considered NDE but that makes so much sense. My therapist has never made any connection with the accident and ptsd either, but this is something that I am going to explore on my own as well. I have memory of my fall, which drs say is a good thing and expect better outcome. However, I have also read that those who dont remember what happened suffer less trauma.

I felt both of my feet going up in the air at the same time, as in slow motion, and my attempts to manuveur my body and catch the fall, but I could not, both legs were out of control and I had an awareness that it was unpreventable. I was unconscious about 5 minutes they say, during this time I just remember being nowhere and a floating experience. No light, no dark, no tunnel, more like outer space maybe. Neither here nor there place. I became conscious in a very slow and fuzzy way, and the first thing that I saw were mens black shoes next to me and they appeared magnified to the size of Bozo the Clown.

As I became aware, I became almost panicked to get up, I had the idea in my head that I was going to be in trouble with my mother for being there and being injured. (my mother was a very scared woman, dont climb, fear of swimming, etc), but I was48 yrs old and my mother had been dead for 5 yrs. This sense was very strong, I was in trouble and was going to be punished. It was very strange. The hospital missed my broken rib and so I ended up with a partial pneumothorax. Later I looked back and felt that a woman fell down and a child woke up. I was not the same after this fall.

I want to read more about this and will look up information, then hopefully I will also have a better understanding as you do. I just never considered nde, yet have heard of others who have had lesser accidents and ended in coma or death. I feel like I was suppose to die and something brought me back.

 

[Powder]

Your telling of the experience shows the ability to connect with the experience. Do you get symptomatic when you talk about it?

 

[ghotiff]

However, I have also read that those who dont remember what happened suffer less trauma.

I used to think this, but now I'm not so sure. I'm thinking now they they suffer in less obvious or clearly connected ways. I can dissociate to the point of 'losing time' and given this and other information that I have, I presume I have a bunch of childhood abuse events that I wasn't 'emotionally present' for. I'm not sure if those events (when I was disassociated) have added to my current problems or not.

If anyone has thoughts on this I would love to hear them.

 

[shimmerz]

Do you get symptomatic when you talk about it?

Great question!

 

[mamachick]

I seem to have no blanks in my childhood. I remember being 2 or 3 and being in the high chair and what I ate for dinner. I know there is also pre verbal trauma, that happens from infancy to this age. I remember so much. My sister 7 yrs older remembers nothing. I think it has to do with the condition our mother was in after each of our births. She was pretty mentally stable after my birth. I dont think I was abused or neglected to the point of trauma. I remember my entire childhood. Much of it was not good, but I do not think that it caused trauma.

What I meant in ghotiff's quote is that at least for adults. such as those that are injured in a car accident and wake up in the hospital and dont remember the last thing that happened, seem to show less signs of ptsd. That is compared to someone who saw a semi cross the median and it was coming head on and there was nothing that they could do to avoid the accident-then remember the details in slow motion. This is as I did with a slow motion fall I guess.

I do think that those who do not remember childhood abuse and trauma suffer as much or more with ptsd than those who do remember.

 

[Powder]

I agree with you about the childhood stuff, amnesia is not a protection overall for PTSD. Some researchers have theorized that childhood dissociation and/or amnesia for trauma may assist those youngsters in getting through school and socializing. I don't think anyone walks away without a scratch, though.

I'm pretty sure my sister and I (and maybe my brother) used structural dissociation to survive. My sister still doesn't remember the identity of her abuser. She recently emailed, "I remember I had a girl that got molested and then "put back in the box" repeatedly. This is a perfect image of how a child actively uses dissociation to pretend the trauma away.

It could be this part contains all of her trauma from that time period.

 

[mamachick]

Muse-when I talk about the accident I clearly have symptoms. I have counseling friday and discussed the nde with ptsd. My therapist wants to focus on this now. She agrees, but did not realize how significant it was because I did not have therapy then and skimmed over it-matter of fact probably. After therapy, I was blank all day, really off all weekend with symptoms

 

[shimmerz]

I am so very sorry to have left this as long as I have. It is a touchy one for me and things were happening in my life that related to this posting so now that they have calmed down I can speak about it with some form of closure.

Every minute of every day spent on trying to be a better person for your family? Check.
Working like a dog and nobody caring at the end of the day? Check
Ignored on holidays, disrespected when in the presence of kids? Check
Assaulted verbally or otherwise when you try to set boundaries this type of behaviour? Check
Feel like everything you ever accomplished was for nothing? Check
etc etc etc Check

Forgive me if this is a bit disjointed. I can literally feel this posting and the pain. Right through me. I may flit in and out.

but a victim to my own family. I am ashamed that I am not stronger, and even when I find that ray of hope and try to initiate other plans, I feel squashed and give up quickly. This is not the person that I once was.

@brat17 My youngest son accused me of being weak. It was hard for them (3 boys who are now 30 year old men). While he was driving his father's Ferrari and numerous other high end cars plus the 700+K houses from their father while I was sleeping in my car in the dead of winter. I wouldn't want to watch that either because it would make me look long and hard in the mirror as to the morals and values that they were taught and not putting into place.

I am going to bet @brat17 that it takes a hell of a lot more strength to live your life moment by moment than it does for all of your family combined through all of their lives. And that, I am sure, is due in large part to the sacrifices you made. No wonder you feel squashed so easily. You are so very fragile after giving and giving and giving.

No, I am not the person I once was either, but the person I once was got me to where I am now, unable to work, heavily traumatized, going to psyche appts while others are out working and travelling and going to dinner and movies etc etc etc. It took me such a very long time but I finally realized after 6 years that I didn't want to be the person I used to be. That was making me sick. Once I figured this out - really believed that there was nothing lost in leaving that old me behind, I started to make headway. I am saying this not to say 'look where I am' but jeez, if someone had gotten through to me earlier about that one thing, I would have saved myself a ton of work and grief (and I mean grief).

I hate to say that all of my dreams have been sabatoged by my family that I have loved with all of my heart. I think they would be better off without me.

Man, do I feel this statement. It may seem inconceivable to you but I wish you would consider that YOU would be better off without THEM. At this moment in time. I am typing and retyping which means I am triggering so I will keep it short and feel free to ask for further clarification if this resonates with you. My children are 30 years old give or take now. A ton has switched and changed. Yes, my family was sabotaged as well, by my ex = and the kids fell in and they are now taking responsibility. I think they didn't think I could make it without them. I did. And I will continue to do so. I am now cooly distanced on purpose. I needed my distance from them while they figured out their disfunction. I am much better prepared now to let healthy people back in. Including my children. It worries me that you are thinking of bringing your husband back. He sounds super passive aggressive.

The person that I once was, that was well respected by others, that lived with integrity, that was assertive, has been broken in the worst way. I really believe that my husband and daughters have been blessed to have a quality of life that I will never have, and at the root, I think I am damaged goods and not deserving, and that its hopeless. Meanwhile, I am getting older and my failing health is further discouragement. I feel a failure. I feel unworthy. I feel very abused and taken advantage of. I feel manipulated and conned.

Yes, I am going to say these are not 'broken' feelings. They are real given the betrayal and abuse you have suffered. No, you are NOT damaged goods or undeserving. You have from the sounds of it, been gaslighted into believing that. A person who has accomplished what you have is not a failure. Anyone who is trying to make you believe that should be removed from your life. Surround yourself with those who honour what you have and are and will (yes, will) accomplish.

My husband and children now have good jobs, Im still cleaning up the messes.They are earning good money, traveling, growing, have significant others, etc. -and that I am happy for. My head spins with what I need to do to feel better about myself-since I failed in my career. My purpose was my children, later, my purpose was my work.

I remember feeling this way. I remember living this way. I feel you. This part was very hard. To believe that there was a future for me. There is a way out....

I know my posts are always too long, and may be too long for others to read.

Pour it all out. It is healing. Did you hear everyone who said in their posts 'I read every word'? You aren't so used to that are you? Please try to take it in. There are people out there that want to hear you. Don't allow anyone (especially yourself) to make you feel badly for speaking your truth. Betrayal trauma, on top of your phsyical trauma on top of your emotional trauma etc etc is not healthy to be kept inside. Speak.....

there must have been a guardian angel in part, yet was mad for the interference and that I did not die. So you are right-for 2 yrs I did not grieve at all-I was too busy holding things together, my kids and my job mostly. Pretending I was ok, fake it til you make it attitude.

Guardian angels are wonderful things if you believe in them. I do. They help to give purpose to the pain. They keep me going. See how the pretending you were doing didn't work so well? No more faking. Time to feel again. And you have a right to feel wronged in all of this. If you can't say it to them then say it here. For as long as you need to.

Sorry if this post sounds preachy or something. I can just feel the emotion of your post so I am posting with passion. I don't mean to sound like I am on a soapbox as that is not my intention.