Can't Remember Today's Therapy Session

[Leanne1]

I am feeling so exhausted right now. The kind of physical exhaustion you feel when you have been crying really hard for a long time.

I was wondering why I felt like this, then tried to remember if I cried while I was meeting with my therapist today. In trying to recal, I realized I don't remember what we talked about. I remember pieces of being there, but don't know what we talked about.

Is this a result of disassociation? I was really scared about meeting with her today, because I felt really triggered and unsafe 2 weeks ago when we last met.

I feel really uneasy having spent time with her, and having a conversation I assume, and not being able to recal anything other than bits and pieces of stuff like arriving at the office. Sitting down in the chair, I told her that 2 weeks ago I left the session and realized I must have been biting the inside of my mouth. It was really swollen, and injured. I didn't remember doing that or experiencing any pain.

I am feeling scared about this laps of time. If this was a conversation from a couple of weeks ago I wouldn't think much, but this was today.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I've had this a few times when I have had a panic attack. I had a panic attack and some how got home I remember bits of the attack and then I have no Idea walking home (which is particularly scary as I must have crossed a very busy road).
Yeah it is scary if you dissociated in secession your T should have noticed. Maybe you have repressed the memory? Can you contact your T to put your mind at ease?

 

[Notsowild]

@Leanne1 ...It sounds like dissociation to me. I was that way at my first session with my trauma therapist. I told him on the next visit that I was dopey (too many meds ) and dissociative.
Yes @NoWhereKnowWhere ... Why didn't he notice???

 

[ghotiff]

Yeah it is scary if you dissociated in secession your T should have noticed

My ex-T never could tell, this was part of why I left her.

My ex-T didn't notice when it was happening and didn't seem to really take it (and other stuff) in when I told her what was happening (I'm thinking of your biting your cheek comment)....as a result she kept pushing too far, too fast.

 

[Leanne1]

I keep getting responses about getting a new therapist. I do see ways she is very unprofessional. ( eating snacks while we talk, having her dog there, feeding her dog snacks....) I know how bad that sounds, and then she seems to be very sharp, and knowledgable about trauma related issues. I just figurs she is eccentric, and that's a part of her ability to understand people.

I do find it distracting when I am trying to talk about something difficult, and then she pets her dog and says, " your so cute".

When I was having difficulty talking, she asked if I was distracted by her dog misbehaving, and begging for snacks. I said no, but it was really adding to the chaos I was feeling, and then I didn't feel like she was listening sometimes, or maybe I was taking to long to speak so she got distracted by the dog.

This is the only stuff I remember. I think it was to much so I left and went FAR away.

 

[ghotiff]

If you don't trust her enough to answer a small question about her do honestly, then I am worried that you don't trust her enough to do trauma work with her. That doesn't mean to say that she is not great and that you can't get to that point of trust...but I don't think you are there yet.

Just a personal opinion, I could be wrong, I'm new to therapy.

 

[Sarah2732]

Have you tried journalling or even making a flow chart to block out the parts you remember and maybe fill in some blanks? That often helps me. If it really bothers you, I think it would be okay to text or email your T and explain you can't remember and you are distressed by that and if she could maybe generally remind you of the topics.

I do find it distracting when I am trying to talk about something difficult, and then she pets her dog and says, " your so cute".

Oh my gosh! That is not okay. :wideeyed: You deserve her full and undivided attention. Even if you don't feel like you deserve it, that's what you are paying for and that's what she owes you, to the best of her ability.

Think about whether it would be okay if you hired someone to mow your lawn, agreed to pay by the minute, and they billed you for time they spent standing by your window texting their girlfriend... Or booked a one hour massage and your massage therapist kept loudly answering phone calls... Those situations really aren't different from a therapist disciplining, rewarding, and praising their dog while in session with a client.

 

[Leanne1]

@Sarah2732
I can feel that what you are saying is true. I can feel how badly it feels when I am trying to talk, for the first time, about difficult things, and she isn't really paying attention. Well, I tell myself that she is, and that she can listen and do other things. Ultimately I don't feel like I deserve it I think, because I always make it ok.

Truthfully I can't imagine saying its not ok. I feel so stuck right now. Not sure how to go forward.

 

[Suzetig]

She may well be able to listen to some extent and do other things but you deserve her full attention during session. She can't fully presence herself and attend to you when she's seeing to her dog, it's disrespectful in the extreme.

Instead of thinking about a therapy session, can you see any professional meeting where you'd expect person you're meeting to have their dog in the room and be playing with it, feeding it treats or commenting on how cute. Think about your GP, bank manager, parent/teacher meetings etc, if you wouldn't accept it in those settings how much more important is it in therapy to not have such distraction? You may not feel, just yet, able to say its not ok but could you ask her to leave the dog outside of the counselling room while you're in session?

 

[Leanne1]

I think I mentioned this because I know it's not okay.

I know this sounds lame, and is hard to admit, but I really can't picture saying anything about it. I hear your point @Suzetig, and appreciate your way of pointing it out in such an obvious way. ( the bank manager with a dog)

I think the biggest thing is - that I view saying anything as being aggressive, or demanding, or ??? I just couldn't say that I would prefer her to not have her dog there, or eat snacks.

Not feeling so good at standing up for myself right now. I might talk with my previous therapist about it. He is the one who recommended her to me, because she specializes in trauma.

 

[ghotiff]

Sometimes I find it easier to say something if it has come from someone else.

Could you say that your friend thought the dog might be a distraction?

Putting it on your fiend softens it. And saying might, softens it.

Can you write a note and hand it to her and say it's to be read at the end after you have gone?

I know it's hard but I'm starting to think its important for you to find a way of saying this, now not because of the dog, but because you need to find your voice with your T and discover that it's okay to have wants with her.

Thinking of you.

 

[Leanne1]

@ghotiff
Thank you. I feel very scared thinking of your suggestions.

But I am going to try what you suggest.