Can't Speak Up!?

[ms spock]

@still_i_rise yes that is an important point, sometimes a "LIke" lets people know that they are in contact with other people. It can be that simple, and it is powerful to feel connection to fellow sufferers.

 

[sun seeker]

I posted a response to this and then went away and thought about it some more. Please bear with me as I ramble a little about fitting in with a group. This is my experience, I don't know whether it will resonate with you.

Groups are hard for me. Always have been. Part of it is temperament, part is lack of confidence, and part is how easily it reminds me of being bullied in school. Parties where more extroverted people are having fun and seem completely un-self-conscious are tests of endurance for me. I've done a lot of cooking for crowds and for years while living in a rural community I used to be the person to call to take care of the food if anyone wanted to have a dance or other event. Sometimes people would come and join me in the kitchen, wanting to give me a break, feeling sorry for me for being in there missing all the fun. They were missing the point: having a clear role to play (serving food, but it could have been anything) was the only way I could be there at all. Take that away and I wouldn't be enjoying myself, I'd be panicking and wanting to go home. It's been six or seven years since I've tried to be part of a crowd like that at all.

Finding my place in any group situation is uncomfortable and to be honest I do a lot of avoiding. When entering into a situation where other people already know each other, it can be very uncomfortable unless I know exactly what I am expected to do. I feel like I am getting in the way and not sure whether I am wanted. Just today I was in a situation that replayed that dynamic, and it was very subtle, but soon I was having trouble catching my breath, which is one of my signs of anxiety getting out of hand, feeling I stuck out like a sore thumb, and really really wanting to go home.

This forum is a pretty safe space, but I wonder whether there is some aspect of it being a group situation where you are relatively new that is making you hold back, not sure where you fit in or whether you are wanted. (You are - but maybe it's taking a while to convince yourself?) Does this come up in other group situations, or just here? Just a thought.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I can't go near chat for some reason, funny isn't it how that works?

I have NEVER been able to be a part of 'Chat'. Something about it makes me panicky...put on the spot...more invisible....

 

[Whirlwind]

I have sat down and prepared a message only to delete and decide against posting.

me too, too many times, I feel like what I have to offer is crap. But then I go for it and cringe later wondering if it was ok...and someone says something nice, that it helped and it warms my heart. People here have helped me so much they don't even know.....

Sometimes someone says something so honest and simple....it is pure genius and my personal light bulb goes off, it is amazing. I say go for it, you may just say one of those magical things that mean so much. Just sharing a hug goes a long way...

Best, Whirlwind

 

[joeylittle]

@Jane1991, I just wanted to say that podting this thread is in and of itself a big deal. Exposing our vulnerabilities/insecurities in such an open way is one of the greatest things to use this forum for. (I think)

Also: I might speak for many when I say that sometimes, just knowing someone has read what you've written is enough to bring some relief. It's not anyone's job here to actually create words of support or comfort or insight. Our only job as members of the community is to show up and listen. Reading threads is showing up and listening. Hitting 'like' is a way of saying 'yes, I hear you'.

And whatever you choose to share with someone in response to their posts is always valid. Writing back is just a more exposed way of showing up.

Dunno - not making a ton of sense tonight - but wanted to say great job to you for putting these fears out into the world. It's the first step to getting through and beyond them.

 

[PlainJane]

Thanks for responding guys! I appreciate it. I had a day yesterday, and I did not want to answer anybody's comments right away. I didn't think I should have had the kind words, I was being awful hard on myself yesterday. You know we are our own worst critic. But getting my head around everything helped me get an appreciation for your thoughts regarding this thread. I don't think anybody hit a nerve in particular, I was just reading and personally observing others go through pain and there is nothing I can do to help. I do feel this way all the time especially in group settings. There are points I love from these comments that I won't tag or quote just because there is so many of them and again thanks everybody for putting it in perspective for me and just being you!!! Now all I have to do is fix it ;)

 

[sun seeker]

Jane, I notice you are responding to people's posts now! Well done! Do you know what shifted for you to make that possible?

I should add that it's still fine not to post, no pressure! I'm just noticing that you seem to have gotten over the hump that was bothering you. :)

 

[PlainJane]

i couldn't get out of my own head yesterday. One of those days I was just trying to break up my thoughts. So it really helped to think about someone else. I spent a lot of time reading others posts and not being able to accomplish anything substantial around here. So I wrote a thought, erased it, wrote it, erased it. Then I decided to quickly write it then quickly post it without dwelling on it. Ha. I had to edit it afterward, lots of mistakes. But I broke through the glass. I'll never make progress in anything unless I quit repeating the same actions over and over and expecting a different result. Thanks again guys for your support!