Sitstillsmilesilent
New Here
Anyone else experience severe abuse within a family and then wonder why you seem to push absolutely anyone and everything beneficial to yourself away, majority of the time I cant help destroying anything good as more excuse to kill myself but in the small pieces of respite in my self destruction I hate what I've done and my distrust for my partner when they've proved themselves more than enough, hate myself more just being this way, feel so doomed!?!? Most of all, my partner had enough stress and I just cause him to snap, and he tries so hard but I've been suicidal everyday for 14 years and he takes it personally when I self harm, the last time I ripped out chunks and chunks of hair and discussed how pointless everything felt, how sure I was that everyone was laughing at me, he reacted shouting calling me a selfish git, and often is that way when I've been super down for a long time. Think I should live by myself really but he wouldnt accept that because he says he can barely leave the house for fear I'll succeed in ny attempts. Convinced death is my fate and that I was supposed to die in one of my attempts growing up, feel like I'm a walking curse for ppl and myself, stuck in a vicious cycle of self-loathing, certain my death is the only way, certain me being born is an error and hating myself evermore for being so submissive and terrified