Casual sex

[UniqueSunflower]

I have reconnected with a man that I dated in my past. It was previously a sexual relationship that he ended after stating he felt overwhelmed and need to take a step back. At the time I was confused and disappointed though after further conversation, we both agreed to continue seeing other people. He has come in and out of my life and we've since established a friendship. There continues to be a strong chemistry between us and we've discussed re-starting a sexual relationship. At this point in my recovery, I'm more open to having protected sex with someone as long as we are both on the same page. We both have busy lives with work and his continuing to raise his sons. I am feeling conflicted though since when there are long gaps of time between seeing each other or talking, it seems like it will feel more like a casual "friends with benefits" relationship which I've been opposed to in the past. I'm unclear about what I'm feeling, if this is "progress" in my willingness to explore and enjoy sex on a different level or if I'm going backwards and acting on impulse (accept I'm attempting to think it through before acting on). I would like feedback about how others have handled sex and casual relationship versus committed relationships since intimacy has been a barrier with both of our trauma histories. I know when you care for someone, eventually the emotional connection with women can become more difficult. I'm also considering the chance of increasing my anxiety levels and depression should the emotional part get more intense.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I always got attached no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I could handle a casual sexual relationship. Also, not really sure how a casual sexual relationship would be any different than "friends with benefits" or "f*ckbuddies" situation.

I have been married for 19 years at this point, so I am not out there, but hope you find what works for you!

 

[UniqueSunflower]

I always got attached no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I could handle a casual sexual...

I would agree that fwb's & fb's are one in the same. I already have feelings for this person though I think I'm having difficulty accepting it may not evolve into anything more.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I would agree that fwb's & fb's are one in the same. I already have feelings for this person th...

Then that is the 100% reason you should NOT have any sexual relationship with this person. It will continue to make you feel closer and think it is developing and for him it may just be about sex. And, even if it is more to him, he has it so easy to be with you there is no need to make real a commitment with his heart or mind, ever. Most of the real relationships I was involved in had an understanding of commitment if/when sex was on the table. Something respectful about not freely entering multiple people's bodies and minds. It is like you are also with those people. I tried that once, in college. I kept hoping he would "choose" me. The sex was friendly, hanging out was fun, but he openly had 3 other girls just like me.:O_o: None of us ended up with him in the long run.

 

[Bristol]

I always struggled with the casual relationships and im pretty sure i was doing it so that they would like me rather than getting anything out of it myself, but its totally your decision you just need to decide what you want and whether it does you good or not.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I used to struggle with it, too. I'd grow more attached no matter how hard I tried to fight it, especially when they also treated me with ongoing kindness and seemed to actually give a damn beyond the bedroom, as I wasn't used to being treated that way by anyone close to me up until that point. That often made me want to try harder to convince them to love me by doing ore of what I knew they enjoyed...draining me of my life force in the process.

I'd silently hope they would eventually decide to want me around for more than sexual release, but it never happened. Instead, I let myself continue to be used however they needed me the most to continue to feel accepted/wanted, I guess. That was also a time in my life when I was heavily self-medicating with multiple street drugs, tons of artificial substances sold as "food", and LOTS of alcohol, so there was little thought or awareness put into it beyond the chemistry of the moment.

I've been in a relationship for 15 years, so I have no clue how I'd manage the same scenario having acquired what I feel to be better overall coping strategies to approach life with. Feelings...such a slippery slope, especially when adding all the various ingredients we as individuals bring to the pot. Best wishes in sorting it out.

 

[EveHarrington]

Agree with the above.

If you already have feelings for him, its best to not get involved. FB/FWB only really works if both people are in it just for the fun and neither person has feelings or develops feelings.

I see a lot of potential heartache on your part.

I think that since you have a trauma history (I'm guessing sexual?), then its best to avoid casual sexual relationships. Heck, I think that casual sexual relationships are probably difficult for many with trauma histories, even if it wasn't sexual trauma.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I don’t think it’s possible to have casual sex with someone that you have had feelings for. I think you’d be setting yourself up for hurt if you did.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

Then that is the 100% reason you should NOT have any sexual relationship with this person. It will conti...

I know realistically he may not "choose" to be with me in the end. I also suspect he may have some narcissistic traits which is something I have been drawn to as I've healed. In the end, it will likely not leave me feeling good so all in all, you're right to suggest it's something I shouldn't engage in. The fact that I feel torn means my instincts are trying to caution me. Because relationships have been so challenging, I've contemplated whether casual sex is something I can or should do if there's open communication although I remember a therapist asking me at one point if I felt I could be emotionally detached during sexual relationships following my having been sexually assaulted. She knew it would be a long time before I could engage intimately with someone with what I'd been through. I have gotten to a place in my recovery where I enjoy sex again (at one point, I wanted nothing to do with it). However, I hope to one day enjoy it with someone who is wanting the same level of intimacy I'd like to have. Thank you for your responses and insight.