Certain Good Memories Only Surface When Triggered

[EveHarrington]

I have these memories, comforting memories that I use to self soothe----

The thing is, I can only pull these memories into my conscious mind when I'm in a triggered state. They sort of just come to me----I can't willfully prompt them to the forefront of my mind. They know I need them so they just come---

It's the oddest thing to me. I know about being triggered and mind blanking, but this is just the opposite. And it's weird to me that it happens with good memories, after the triggering event.

And once I'm soothed----boom! Gone again and I couldn't willfully pull them back to save my life.

I can't make heads or tails of it.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

 

[Friday]

This is the SOLE reason (and maybe also soul reason?) why I'm willing to face my trauma instead of recompartmentalizing, again. I'm not willing to lose the good, again.

Last time I did this, 15 some odd years ago, any price was worth shoving the monster in a box. Including locking away all my good memories along with the bad. This time? I know what that price is, what it does, and I'm not willing to pay it. If I make the dark vanish? I lose everything that was good, too. I've tried separating them, and that has never worked. They come, hand in hand, dark and light. If I want the light? I have to be willing to take on the dark. A bit like pandora. The box is open. The dark is out. Time to deal with it. ((Or slam the lid shut, and lose hope.))

 

[EveHarrington]

Thanks @FridayJones That makes a lot of sense----having to take the good along with the bad. I guess I just get so frustrated because I have these things that happen (surfacing of good memories) and want to know exactly why/how it's all happening but I can't know the scientific/biological reasons because PTSD knowledge is very much in its infancy. So I'm glad I can come here and at the very least see if others experience the same thing. It makes me feel less alone.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

EMDR sounds good here (with an EMDR trained therapist) but you know good memories are there (i cant think of a good one that doesnt have bed in it) but EMDR is memory intergration, it brings the good to the forefront and bad more into the background and instead of compartmentalizing, its intergrating the bad with the good like it should be instead of how its processed in trauma. Seeing the picture in the book makes it make more sense with me.

Being a compartmentalizing person too. Could it be that you've put these memories in a "box" with some bad and have to be triggered to bring the bad one "box" out so you can see the good ones? Maybe recompartmentalizing (theres a long word) and/or resupressing.

Also it might be that you have to feel 'out of control' or feel 'bad'...triggered, in order to feel good/soothed?

I havent a clue as to why, just throwing some stuff out there.

 

[J_trustno1]

Hi Eve, I don't know how well I can relate to this. But for me it starts off with a trigger, for trigger is usually when someone says something hurtful to me because I've had years of Verbal and emotional abuse. So once someone has said something hurtful, I get into the negative mode, keep obsessing about the thought and there comes all my negative memories relevant to that particular event. I don't know if this is useful for you. The only way I deal with this stuff is just crying through, exercise, being nature and animals. Other than that music and reading positive quotes help me. I hope you feel well soon :hug:s and sorry I wasn't much of a help :(.

 

[Mafia_Science]

I have flashback-nightmares a lot, where it's like a flashback but while I'm dreaming. Sometimes I'll just flashback to a good memory of when I was 5 or 6. Positive flashbacks never happen while I'm awake though.

A recurring one I have is when I'm about 4 strawberry picking with my aunt.

For some reason, I don't like having them. Even though they're happy memories, I don't like remembering them this way, I don't know why.

I don't know the psychological reason why, just wanted to share my experience.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

For some reason, I don't like having them. Even though they're happy memories, I don't like remembering them this way, I don't know why.

I share that. Sometimes i'll have a flash of a memory like i was somewhere between 2 and 5 (the yrs we lived in the house) and my dad had a good paying job, my mom was able to stay home to raise me and my brother and we had a very old 2 story house. I dont have many memories here. I remember my room was a certian pink color (my dad had me 'personality color tested' to find my 'personality color & shade' & painted my room that color) and i had a huge toy chest that was built into my closet, it was taller that me and my brother and i would take all the toys out and play in it.

We had a pool and i was taught how to swim when i was 2 (age given to me by my dad) and i remember swimming between his legs and diving down and touching the bottom (10 feet).

It makes me sad to remember these and i think its because even at younger ages before everything started at age 6 or 7, it makes me sad to remember good things. Like i think "what if". What if my mom never met him (her lover/affair/became my step dad), what if she was failthful, what if he never lost his job, blah blah blah. Remembering the few good that i can possibly get to that doesnt have bad in it makes me sad.

Also angry that i can remember those few flashes but i cant remember whom took my virginity. We lived in one State from ages 2 to 5, we moved to my 'HomeState' that i live in now when I was 6. There was a State between the two where i have zero memory. I saw a picture of the house as an adult and i asked my dad whom's house it was. I often wonder if thats where it happened. I often wonder what happened there and why i cant remember. I think "do i want to know?" But i do wish i knew when it was taken and by whom.

So maybe thats why? Maybe it makes you say "what if"? Maybe it makes you sad and/or angry? Just a thought.