Child Abuse And Guilt

[Mercy]

I feel guilty for the things they should feel guilty about. I feel guilty for what they did to me.
Scott

Thanks for your reply. It is good for me to hear that I am not alone.....
mercy

 

[scott_1971_h]

Odd, I thought this thread was going to be about how children feel guilty about being abused. You know, the 'it's all your fault.' 'You were born for this'(Trafficked as a child). 'Little whore, want some more.' Learning what is the truth and what are the lies I was taught has been a long and ongoing process.

It's occurred to be before that by refusing to even acknowledge any wrongdoing (much less feel guilt) they kind of make us feel it. They project it onto us. Guilt by proxy.
Scott

 

[aditi]

For me, one of the hardest things about dealing with abuse is the wall of denial. I've a strong sense of justice, which hurts me even more when I can see that there is none. The only thing is to walk away knowing they're ... well, I think they're mentally ill.

I used to shut myself in the cupboard when I was little too Scott. That was one of the first things the therapist asked me, whether I'd hidden in a cupboard, and it blew my mind that she knew!

 

[lucy7]

Hi there,

I experience complex PTSD as a result of prolonged sexual abuse I experienced from my adoptive father throughout my childhood until he left the family home.

I think he knows what he did is wrong as he left the country on my 16th birthday to go to Australia. I see that as some kind of exile. I don't think knowing it is wrong is the same as guilt. I think he was running away from the repercussions of his actions and from being found out. I don't think he has the capacity to feel guilt or remorse for the devastating impact this had on me.

My constellation of problems included bulimia and anorexia, self-harm, depression, anxiety, a dissociative disorder and attachment problems. With the support of an excellent therapist and with very intensive input, I have been able to move on and rebuild my life in spite of what happened to me, and I feel very proud of how far I have come.

Lucy x

 

[lucy7]

As an addendum to my above post, I've told my adoptive mother in adulthood about what my father did to me throughout my childhood. She didn't seem shocked and didn't question whether it had happened, just when. However, she denied having known anything about. I think she genuinely does feel very guilty but can't cope with those feelings of guilt and shuts down.

I don't feel angry towards her anymore. I don't respect her as a parent, though I feel empathy for her as a human being. I don't have a close relationship with her and know that we never can as a result of her lack of ability to deal with this aspect of my history. But I feel that we both accept that now and have moved into a respectful way of being with each other, albeit that we will never be close.

Growing up, I felt like I had to protect her from my feelings and from what was happening to me. I felt very guilty if she got upset about anything at all. I've got rid of that guilt now. She is responsible for her own feelings, just as I am responsible for mine. I will be respectful but I don't need to cushion her.

 

[scott_1971_h]

For me, one of the hardest things about dealing with abuse is the wall of denial. I've a strong sense of justice, which hurts me even more when I can see that there is none. The only thing is to walk away knowing they're ... well, I think they're mentally ill.

Everyone automatically thinks every mother loves their children. Either because (a) theirs actually did, or (b) they would have to admit to themselves that their mothers didn't love them either. Everything gets minimised or rationalised ("They are strict", "Very Devout", "Discipline" or other such crap). We're living in a Mothering Cult. And for these people, it lets them (sometimes literally) get away with murder.Being a mother is the ultimate cover and power trip. If you have no conscience, it must be heaven :-). Adopt a public persona of being the martyr of the century, and then close the doors and suck the life out of everyone. But "She loves you". I would have LOVED giving her away to these people, (actually I think I'd PAY them to take the bitch away) because I wanted to kick her false teeth out...

I used to PRAY as I was walking home from school that one of Yeti's gnomes would be there, because then she'd be 'on show' When they left she would 'perform'. When she was working (MAJOR narcissistic supply) we'd be dreading her roaring up the drive. "Here comes the White Tornado". She'd close the front door and start screaming, if she'd had a bad day at work it was truly spectacular.

Scott

 

[aditi]

Growing up, I felt like I had to protect her from my feelings and from what was happening to me. I felt very guilty if she got upset about anything at all. I've got rid of that guilt now. She is responsible for her own feelings, just as I am responsible for mine. I will be respectful but I don't need to cushion her.

Lucy, that's good progress. I cried a bucketload at therapy last month when the therapist asked why I was still not standing up to my father because he would attack my mother as soon as I left, in his rage. She's a grown-up and I can't protect her any more. She'll never stand up to him now, at 74, but I can't let him keep on treating me the way he does. I can't parent her any more.

Scott, the word 'love' is bandied about by abusers and 'non-protective bystanders' more than I care to think about.

 

[freakofnurture]

BOTH of mine STILL say "You were always very difficult".

My mom's version of this: "... but you provoked him a lot!"

?? Oh, you mean my efforts to control, when exactly he would abuse me, so I didn't have to anxiously wait for him to make up some reason to release all his frustration and his inferiority complex on his daughter? F*ck you, mom, I knew so well - as do you - that he'd yell at me and sh*t on my self-worth no matter what. I was only exerting whatever little control I had over what he was doing to me.

Funny how I could control him, ey? Very mature he was, ey? Seriously. F*ck you, mom.

 

[scott_1971_h]

Exactly! Just who the hell was supposed to be the adult here?
And it ain't helped by minimising, rationalising, excuses and other forms of denial.
I WAS difficult. They were IMPOSSIBLE! And Yeti used to pride herself in having to care for such an impossible little shit, it made her look like she was some sort of martyr, until (god knows how many) psychologists suggested taking her favourite toy away and putting me in foster care. That would make her look ... like she'd had her kids/favourite toys ripped off her. And she might have to grow up. She TRULY spat the dummy then...

Scott

 

[Abrasky]

"have your abusers ever expressed any guilt?"
My dad, wouldn't know. I don't care to know. I don't owe my dad anything to think of him any one more i-ota. When I confronted him, he denied it and even went to the dramatic length to say that it was my uncles fault and he was going to kill them:O_o:

My mother wouldn't admit emotional abuse if she was told about it. She's only likes to keep re-iterating that it was somebody else who gave me PTSD, even though her abandonment and blame was the pegs holding this tent up.

 

[freakofnurture]

I've got rid of that guilt now.

How did you do that? Please, I need to know.

She is responsible for her own feelings, just as I am responsible for mine.

That's true yet sadly very much exploitable by abusers.

Both my p*rents misuse it to place responsibility for my pain on me. "You are responsible for how you feel about things, you have to find a way to deal with that. Ask yourself, why this is affecting you so much when it really was just <insert minimising description of abuse>." I hate this sh*t so much, I can't even begin to explain.

It's disgusting what tricks abusers play to deny responsibility for the effect their abusive behaviour has on others.

-------
The rest of this post is just some venting about my mom that you can ignore if you like - but if I don't let this out now, I'll blow up.

My mom... *grinds teeth* She goes around guilt-tripping her kids by telling us how disrespected, unappreciated, sad, tired, unloved, xyz she feels when we do this or that 'to' her. And then she goes "I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, I'm just expressing my feelings. It's your problem how that makes you feel."

Yeah, right, ma. And it's your problem if what we do makes you feel bad. What does she reply? -.- "I know. I am just expressing myself. I have a right to express myself." But why do you do it towards us, ma? Why do you tell us this sh*t if you don't want us to react to it in some way?

She effing doesn't get that we're her kids and not her best friends to pour her heart out to. Seriously, she went crying to my little sister (16 years old) right after I cut contact. What the??? Thing is, her victim attitude has annoyed her friends so much already that they no longer give her the indiscriminate kind of validatio she needs.

 

[Mercy]

Maze, Scott and freak of nature,
It is amazing how incredibly hurtful the passive parent is. The prison of denial is so strong for them and reinforced by fear of the abuser against them. Using your children as a shield is not in the 'Handbook of Good Housekeeping'. It is no excuse for not keeping your children safe and loved. Even the rejection, nagging with swears, name calling, visual expersions of disgust, negelect, all these things and more, destroy the person we were meant to become. Our parents and our relationships to them are our only mirror we see who we are. When that mirror is grossly deformed we believe that it is a true image of who we are. WRONG, wrong, wrong! It is an image of who they were.

As you struggle with you completely understandable anger, please battle the lies you were taught by abuse to believe. You are innocent children who deserved much more gentleness, kindness, caring and humor than you got.

One of the most important things that really helped me was to learn not to call myself names. Those lies are like tatoos that feel permanent. As I confronted a lie like stupid, or little shit I told myself that it was a lie. The lies didn't come from me and they didn't belong to me. Then, I would substitute a different word that was kinder. It sounds a little silly but OOPS when I spill the milk surely is better than an angery 15 minute tirade against myself. My favorite swear word,(aside from shit which is a truely smelly inevitable thing, is fragmighties (sp?) It is the botanical name for elephant grass. It can really be said loudly and fiercely if needed. It will do you nor your hurt child selves NO harm. And though it is hard to believe, the tatoos are not permanent. They are washable, for me usually with tears