Barbs Rottina
New Here
I really, really didn’t want anyone to see this, but I need answers. And I’m scared to do anything. I just need insight.
Hi, I just want to start by saying my name is Barabra and I am 15. I am vey nervous about doing this. And I’m not sure if I’m going to explain anything right because my memory and brain is just really jumbled up at the moment. I’m afraid that I was sexually molested when I was younger. Let me start from the beginning. There has always been things in my life that don’t piece together. I can barely remember life before the age of 10, when I moved to a new town with my family. I do remember some things, but those things are things I wish I could not remember.
Again, I’m about to try to explain but I’m not sure if I’ll be clear. This will probably be all over the place and I apologize. It’s also all really hard for me to say because I’m ashamed.
When I was young, maybe five, I remember playing with barbies. I would always do something sexual and provocative with them. I would touch their breasts. And many other things. I also remember putting a certain plastic doll or so in my pants. I’m not sure why I did it and I know I was young enough that I shouldn’t have even known what sex was.
I remember doing sexual things with children, I can’t remember exactly what. But it was more than just the natural curiosity of kids. I also remember doing this with my sister, and I’m deeply ashamed. My sister and I are about the same age and I might have been six or seven when this happened. She was just about the same age. I’m afraid that I taught her to do terrible things with me. I can barely remember what we did, but I know it was really bad. I remember kissing or something like that and other really bad sexual stuff and I can’t even write because it disgusts me. So bad that I can’t even remember if it was real or I was imagining it. I do not believe she knows and I would never want her to find out. I can barely even remember it. I remember telling my mom and dad this and feeling so guilty. And ashamed. I don’t think my mother or father thought it was a big deal. I really don’t remember. If I remember correctly I just said “me and blank (don’t want to say my sisters name) had sex” (not actual sex).
When I think back I wish I could go back in time and put a stop to it. I can’t remember what my mom said, maybe something about not doing it again.
Then I remember wanting to do it again, but not. I’m afraid I made my sister do this. What if I did? Why? We were the same age basically, I didn’t even know what I was doing.
I can barely remember and it’s driving me crazy.
I just don’t want to be near my sister anymore because I’m scared of what happened. I’m so scared. That solely is the worst thing I can think of in my memories, and I barely remember it. It’s incest, and I’m terrified.
I do remember seeing sexual movies as a child, but I’m not sure why. I think I was around my dad during the times. Is that where this came from?
I want to talk about my dad really quick as this is as hard for me to talk about as my sister. When I was younger I was close with my dad, but now I’m not.
My dad has always made me uncomfortable. I would always think my father was looking at me sexually (this goes with most men) and be scared to be alone with him. If I was alone I would talk to my mom right after, telling her everything. I would, and this is disturbing, think she might have thought we were doing something wrong. I can’t say it. It disgusts me. I always felt the need to talk to my mother after I was with my dad alone. I felt guilty even though nothing happened.
I remember telling my father I love you, and then saying not in the “sex way”. It was before ten. I know that much. I remember other bad saying stuff. I’m not sure what my fathers reaction was. I think he was disturbed.
I clench my thighs when my dad is near and passes me. I don’t know why. I love my dad, and I believe he’s a good person. I don’t want to accuse him or anyone else of anything. I don’t think he did anything.
Next are my night terrors. I’m not sure how many as my memories are cloudy as I said. I don’t have them anymore. But I would have them, and I know they were long and terrible. My mom told me that sometimes I wouldn’t even remember them. I remember being asleep, but awake at the same time. I would wake up, or get up in a dream walking state. And I run down my hallways thinking something would get me. This wouldn’t stop. My mom would have to come try to calm me down. We would count until I calmed down and then I would go back to bed. Also, sometimes I would get up, start counting or doing something and I keep doing it because if I stopped I believed I would die or something terrible would happen. These have stopped, but I recently got one. They stopped when I was ten and moved to my new town. Like most things.
I have a distinct memory of crying in my moms arms, telling her to get rid of the knife infront of us away from me. I was afraid I would hurt her or myself. This was before I was after ten years old. Talking about violence. I always think of torture towards myself. As in if I saw a torture scene I would picture it happening to me and thinking I wanted it to happen. I’ve been told they are called intrusive thoughts.
Here’s where the memories come of me after ten. Things were good, but then it started to happen. I would, every few months, have a breakdown.
I would start to confess to things and feel guilty for things. Such as my sister. And my mom would tell me that was in the past. And then I would talk about my dad. I believe… I think the breakdown was just .. I can’t remember. I used to have memories of things I was told weren’t real. I had a memory of being in the shower and calling for my mom to come brush my hair (it was really knotty and… I’m not even sure), but it was my dad who helped. I can’t remember if that it true. My memories are all over. I can’t remember if any of the stiff I’m saying is true.
Let’s talk about me now, at 15. I started high school on Thursday.
My anxiety is also very high and I’m overweight. I was thin as a child, but overweight now. I have panic attacks all the time. I’m in therapy for depresion and insomnia. I’ve always had trouble sleeping. I cry every night. Recently over just everything. I also harm myself.
This may be personal, but I’ve always had vaginal pain out of nowhere. It’s just there sometimes.
I have a sensitivitie gag reflex, and I hate showering. It makes me feel terrible.
I have bad anger problems and I’m often violent. I feel terrible after. I can’t say I love you and I don’t like being touched at all. Being touched terrifies me and sometimes makes me want to cry.
The thought of rough sex, and rape fantasies turns me on, but I hate it. I sometimes hate the thought of sex in general. I’ve never had it either.
I also have thoughts of incest. I never would want to do anything with family members and the thought of it with family disgusts me. I would never want to do it and it disgusts me, but the thought of it plagued my mind me. And it scares me.
Reading about child molestation cases sometimes arouses me, but that disgusts me and I hate it. I hate it so much and I’m scared that there’s a reason behind it.
So the question is why am I suddenly thinking of this? I’ve always thought it, but I put it off. The Duggar case has recently made me think of this and I can’t think of anything besides this.
Recently I’ve been scared I’m a pedophile and so much more. I have terrible thoughts about children and would think “what if I did that?” And then I’m plagued by the thoughts. Mostly of girls, and ones that look like me when I was their age. I would never harm a child, and I would never want to do that to a child. I’m scared to be near them because I have the worst thoughts. I have the same thoughts about incest too. It doesn’t turn me on. Neither do, but I’m plagued by the thoughts of the what ifs and what if I want too’s. I scared to be near my sister or dad or mom or kids. I’m so scared. Sometimes I honesty think I should just be killed.
I don’t understand why these thoughts and memories plague me. Because if I wasn’t sexually abused where did these memories come from and why do I have these thoughts? Am I just crazy? Am I just like this? I know you all can’t tell me if it happened or not, and that I should see a therapist. But I can’t. It’ll ruin everything. I don’t want to know if I was molested. If I tell he therapist she’ll tell someone else and I’ll be taken away. I sound crazy. My mom doesn’t doesn’t deserve for this to happen to her. But I’m afraid of talking about it.
Things any one might want to know;
1.) My parents do nothing but fight.
2.) They almost got divorced before I was ten. I can’t remember.
3.) My dad used to be an alcoholic.
4.) My family has a history of mental disorders. On both sides. Bipolar disorder, OCD, and schizophrenia.
5.) My mom used to be a drug addict (when she was a teenager)
I just need to know what happened to me. I’m sorry this was so everywhere. Reading this makes me sound so, so f*cked up. And I don’t want to be. I just want to go to high school, go to college, become a screenwriter (I’ve always wanted to be one), and have a family. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be normal.
Hi, I just want to start by saying my name is Barabra and I am 15. I am vey nervous about doing this. And I’m not sure if I’m going to explain anything right because my memory and brain is just really jumbled up at the moment. I’m afraid that I was sexually molested when I was younger. Let me start from the beginning. There has always been things in my life that don’t piece together. I can barely remember life before the age of 10, when I moved to a new town with my family. I do remember some things, but those things are things I wish I could not remember.
Again, I’m about to try to explain but I’m not sure if I’ll be clear. This will probably be all over the place and I apologize. It’s also all really hard for me to say because I’m ashamed.
When I was young, maybe five, I remember playing with barbies. I would always do something sexual and provocative with them. I would touch their breasts. And many other things. I also remember putting a certain plastic doll or so in my pants. I’m not sure why I did it and I know I was young enough that I shouldn’t have even known what sex was.
I remember doing sexual things with children, I can’t remember exactly what. But it was more than just the natural curiosity of kids. I also remember doing this with my sister, and I’m deeply ashamed. My sister and I are about the same age and I might have been six or seven when this happened. She was just about the same age. I’m afraid that I taught her to do terrible things with me. I can barely remember what we did, but I know it was really bad. I remember kissing or something like that and other really bad sexual stuff and I can’t even write because it disgusts me. So bad that I can’t even remember if it was real or I was imagining it. I do not believe she knows and I would never want her to find out. I can barely even remember it. I remember telling my mom and dad this and feeling so guilty. And ashamed. I don’t think my mother or father thought it was a big deal. I really don’t remember. If I remember correctly I just said “me and blank (don’t want to say my sisters name) had sex” (not actual sex).
When I think back I wish I could go back in time and put a stop to it. I can’t remember what my mom said, maybe something about not doing it again.
Then I remember wanting to do it again, but not. I’m afraid I made my sister do this. What if I did? Why? We were the same age basically, I didn’t even know what I was doing.
I can barely remember and it’s driving me crazy.
I just don’t want to be near my sister anymore because I’m scared of what happened. I’m so scared. That solely is the worst thing I can think of in my memories, and I barely remember it. It’s incest, and I’m terrified.
I do remember seeing sexual movies as a child, but I’m not sure why. I think I was around my dad during the times. Is that where this came from?
I want to talk about my dad really quick as this is as hard for me to talk about as my sister. When I was younger I was close with my dad, but now I’m not.
My dad has always made me uncomfortable. I would always think my father was looking at me sexually (this goes with most men) and be scared to be alone with him. If I was alone I would talk to my mom right after, telling her everything. I would, and this is disturbing, think she might have thought we were doing something wrong. I can’t say it. It disgusts me. I always felt the need to talk to my mother after I was with my dad alone. I felt guilty even though nothing happened.
I remember telling my father I love you, and then saying not in the “sex way”. It was before ten. I know that much. I remember other bad saying stuff. I’m not sure what my fathers reaction was. I think he was disturbed.
I clench my thighs when my dad is near and passes me. I don’t know why. I love my dad, and I believe he’s a good person. I don’t want to accuse him or anyone else of anything. I don’t think he did anything.
Next are my night terrors. I’m not sure how many as my memories are cloudy as I said. I don’t have them anymore. But I would have them, and I know they were long and terrible. My mom told me that sometimes I wouldn’t even remember them. I remember being asleep, but awake at the same time. I would wake up, or get up in a dream walking state. And I run down my hallways thinking something would get me. This wouldn’t stop. My mom would have to come try to calm me down. We would count until I calmed down and then I would go back to bed. Also, sometimes I would get up, start counting or doing something and I keep doing it because if I stopped I believed I would die or something terrible would happen. These have stopped, but I recently got one. They stopped when I was ten and moved to my new town. Like most things.
I have a distinct memory of crying in my moms arms, telling her to get rid of the knife infront of us away from me. I was afraid I would hurt her or myself. This was before I was after ten years old. Talking about violence. I always think of torture towards myself. As in if I saw a torture scene I would picture it happening to me and thinking I wanted it to happen. I’ve been told they are called intrusive thoughts.
Here’s where the memories come of me after ten. Things were good, but then it started to happen. I would, every few months, have a breakdown.
I would start to confess to things and feel guilty for things. Such as my sister. And my mom would tell me that was in the past. And then I would talk about my dad. I believe… I think the breakdown was just .. I can’t remember. I used to have memories of things I was told weren’t real. I had a memory of being in the shower and calling for my mom to come brush my hair (it was really knotty and… I’m not even sure), but it was my dad who helped. I can’t remember if that it true. My memories are all over. I can’t remember if any of the stiff I’m saying is true.
Let’s talk about me now, at 15. I started high school on Thursday.
My anxiety is also very high and I’m overweight. I was thin as a child, but overweight now. I have panic attacks all the time. I’m in therapy for depresion and insomnia. I’ve always had trouble sleeping. I cry every night. Recently over just everything. I also harm myself.
This may be personal, but I’ve always had vaginal pain out of nowhere. It’s just there sometimes.
I have a sensitivitie gag reflex, and I hate showering. It makes me feel terrible.
I have bad anger problems and I’m often violent. I feel terrible after. I can’t say I love you and I don’t like being touched at all. Being touched terrifies me and sometimes makes me want to cry.
The thought of rough sex, and rape fantasies turns me on, but I hate it. I sometimes hate the thought of sex in general. I’ve never had it either.
I also have thoughts of incest. I never would want to do anything with family members and the thought of it with family disgusts me. I would never want to do it and it disgusts me, but the thought of it plagued my mind me. And it scares me.
Reading about child molestation cases sometimes arouses me, but that disgusts me and I hate it. I hate it so much and I’m scared that there’s a reason behind it.
So the question is why am I suddenly thinking of this? I’ve always thought it, but I put it off. The Duggar case has recently made me think of this and I can’t think of anything besides this.
Recently I’ve been scared I’m a pedophile and so much more. I have terrible thoughts about children and would think “what if I did that?” And then I’m plagued by the thoughts. Mostly of girls, and ones that look like me when I was their age. I would never harm a child, and I would never want to do that to a child. I’m scared to be near them because I have the worst thoughts. I have the same thoughts about incest too. It doesn’t turn me on. Neither do, but I’m plagued by the thoughts of the what ifs and what if I want too’s. I scared to be near my sister or dad or mom or kids. I’m so scared. Sometimes I honesty think I should just be killed.
I don’t understand why these thoughts and memories plague me. Because if I wasn’t sexually abused where did these memories come from and why do I have these thoughts? Am I just crazy? Am I just like this? I know you all can’t tell me if it happened or not, and that I should see a therapist. But I can’t. It’ll ruin everything. I don’t want to know if I was molested. If I tell he therapist she’ll tell someone else and I’ll be taken away. I sound crazy. My mom doesn’t doesn’t deserve for this to happen to her. But I’m afraid of talking about it.
Things any one might want to know;
1.) My parents do nothing but fight.
2.) They almost got divorced before I was ten. I can’t remember.
3.) My dad used to be an alcoholic.
4.) My family has a history of mental disorders. On both sides. Bipolar disorder, OCD, and schizophrenia.
5.) My mom used to be a drug addict (when she was a teenager)
I just need to know what happened to me. I’m sorry this was so everywhere. Reading this makes me sound so, so f*cked up. And I don’t want to be. I just want to go to high school, go to college, become a screenwriter (I’ve always wanted to be one), and have a family. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be normal.
