Childhood Childhood "spanking" that caused ptsd and sexual trauma

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JadeB.

MyPTSD Pro
That's definitely not true. You could be fingered or groped or made to bounce on someones lap and still call it molestation even if he didn't come while he was doing it.

Omg,wth does that even have to do with what I posted?Of course being fingered or groped is molestation. I have never said anything like that wasnt.

Why are you ppl looking for shit to stir up

My reply was to EveHarrington, letting her know she took what I said to you completely out of context and made it something that it wasn't.

This entire thread has turned into such bullshit with ppl ganging up on me and pointing the finger at me with ridiculous things.

I'm staying out of this thread from now on so everybody plz just back up off me
 

JadeB.

MyPTSD Pro
Omg ppl,just stop trying to gang up on me and give me a good reeming.

The OP has clearly stated how it was sexual in nature which wasn't clear to me before.I get it now.

Now plz just move on

Didn't anyone bother to read this awhile back?

I didn't understand was all but then I got it.Let it go now ppl
 
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Cypress

Confident
I got the nerve to tell on him and I'm thankful my parents took my plea seriously

This is important. Did you tell your parents what he did exactly or something else like he's mean or you don't like him. How did they take your plea seriously? Did they confront the babysitter?

I do not remember the rest of the evening but I was never the same again.

I wonder if what happened during the rest of the evening that you don't remember is also important.

Maybe I missed this but how old were you when the babysitter did this?

Maybe he was a perv or maybe he was a sadist who hated kids. Either way it was not the way to treat a child.

I agree with everyone else - you need a competent therapist to help you sort this out. You are experiencing a lot of confusion.
 

Rumors

MyPTSD Pro
That's definitely not true. You could be fingered or groped or made to bounce on someones lap and still call it molestation even if he didn't come while he was doing it.
Were you fingered or groped bc you only made the comment that you were spanked, not only by this male babysitter, but by your parents? You didn't elude that any sexual groping content happened only than what you perceive as sexual. Perhaps you said, but how old were you?

Here is the thing that has been hard for me to realize. I have an adult perspective and a child perspective of the things that happened when I was a kid. I can tell you after several years of therapy that I have a better timeline and framework of what happened now that I have been able to work on some stories. As a for instance, my dad hit my mom and she fell and it somewhat knocked her out. In my child mind, this took 3 days to play out and it felt like hours and hours of this horrific scene. In my adult mind, I realize it was actually about a 5 minute fight resulting in him shoving her and her falling and hitting her head where she likely laid there for a minute or two and got up. When I can look at this through my adult mind, I tend to make it less catastrophic in comparison to when I think of this through my child mind and all I see is my mom laying there unresponsive and it feels like she is dead. Perspective is everything and the only way you can gain that is to get in to therapy and work on it.
I think the reason why you are getting push back about your story is that there are some of us that can see this as a very immature perspective. Be clear!!! I AM NOT CALLING YOU IMMATURE! Your perspective is immature which is not uncommon when traumatic events Andy memories come in to play BUT you aren't doing yourself any favor by allowing that child like perspective to become the pervasive rhetoric in your head. STOP! Get a therapist, get some help sorting it out, work at it bc what you are doing here is nothing short of self destruction. Maybe it was sexual? Maybe this wasn't sexual but you will find something else was. Maybe it has NOTHING to do with being spanked and everything to do with something else. I don't know, but I can tell you that there is more than just being spanked here. Good luck.
 

Breathe

Learning
This is important. Did you tell your parents what he did exactly or something else like he's mean or you don't like him. How did they take your plea seriously? Did they confront the babysitter?



I wonder if what happened during the rest of the evening that you don't remember is also important.

Maybe I missed this but how old were you when the babysitter did this?

Maybe he was a perv or maybe he was a sadist who hated kids. Either way it was not the way to treat a child.

I agree with everyone else - you need a competent therapist to help you sort this out. You are experiencing a lot of confusion.
So when I told my parents, I remember thinking I couldn't let what happened occur again and I was terrified of him. So I went to them while they were doing dishes and said something along the lines of "Joe spanked me." And they wanted to make sure I was telling the truth. They did try to assert that sometimes I could be difficult, which I thought was completely out of place. I was f*cking four. I remember feeling fearful that they wouldn't believe me or something, but they did. And they did confront him. They basically said "Our daughter says you spanked her, is this true?" and he denied it. He completely pretended like nothing had happened whatsoever. But they fired him anyhow since he violated a rule of theirs. And even if I had been lying, there was a legitimate reason I was trying to get rid of him. I was not even in pre-school yet so I had to be 3-4 years old. I don't think they took it seriously enough though. They didn't ever catch on to the fact that what he actually did was much worse than just a spanking. I didn't tell them the whole story until I was about 18 and I took them to a therapy session to tell them. They were not that reactive or super sympathetic. My mom said "Well, I used to get spanked into my teens, so what?" and my dad said "I could kill the guy, I can't believe he did that to you." They wouldn't admit that they made a bad parenting choice allowing him as a babysitter. And the therapist seemed like she was trying to keep me from perseverating on it and letting it ruin my life, but didn't really try to help me address the trauma aspect. My expressions of the trauma were things like spanking my stuffed animals or playing spanking games with friends, developing a spanking fetish and sexual fantasies around it. If I watch porn it's the only kind I watch. I also get a rapid heartbeat and sweaty palms and shaky voice if I have to talk about spanking or if someone shares a memory of theirs with me. I put a considerable amount of effort into pretending like I'm not experiencing a lot of fear and shame just simply having a discussion of childhoods or spanking memories. It really really bothers me and then Ill think about it for days and days. Normally I'm okay day to day but I'm in a new relationship and so I'm being triggered a little bit because we are becoming close to each other and opening up about ourselves. As far as not remembering the rest of the night, I have no clue the importance because I don't remember it. You know? I have no idea what I did straight after that at all.
 

Breathe

Learning
Honestly, if they knew what he actually did when it happened, he should have gone to prison. He beat the living snot out of me and cause serious physical and emotional pain and damage.
 

Breathe

Learning
Were you fingered or groped bc you only made the comment that you were spanked, not only by this male babysitter, but by your parents? You didn't elude that any sexual groping content happened only than what you perceive as sexual. Perhaps you said, but how old were you?

Here is the thing that has been hard for me to realize. I have an adult perspective and a child perspective of the things that happened when I was a kid. I can tell you after several years of therapy that I have a better timeline and framework of what happened now that I have been able to work on some stories. As a for instance, my dad hit my mom and she fell and it somewhat knocked her out. In my child mind, this took 3 days to play out and it felt like hours and hours of this horrific scene. In my adult mind, I realize it was actually about a 5 minute fight resulting in him shoving her and her falling and hitting her head where she likely laid there for a minute or two and got up. When I can look at this through my adult mind, I tend to make it less catastrophic in comparison to when I think of this through my child mind and all I see is my mom laying there unresponsive and it feels like she is dead. Perspective is everything and the only way you can gain that is to get in to therapy and work on it.
I think the reason why you are getting push back about your story is that there are some of us that can see this as a very immature perspective. Be clear!!! I AM NOT CALLING YOU IMMATURE! Your perspective is immature which is not uncommon when traumatic events Andy memories come in to play BUT you aren't doing yourself any favor by allowing that child like perspective to become the pervasive rhetoric in your head. STOP! Get a therapist, get some help sorting it out, work at it bc what you are doing here is nothing short of self destruction. Maybe it was sexual? Maybe this wasn't sexual but you will find something else was. Maybe it has NOTHING to do with being spanked and everything to do with something else. I don't know, but I can tell you that there is more than just being spanked here. Good luck.
If I'm understanding you correctly, your saying it seems like I could be blowing things out of proportion a little. There may very well be some of that in my own head, but what happened was exactly as bad as I described. I can see where people could be getting some confusion around some of the other things I've talked about because I've done a lot of unloading. I was feeling crappy a few nights ago and needed to write some stuff down so I did it here and posted it. As far as it being sexual, its difficult to describe but I know it was sexual for him. Just the way he held me over his lap and stuff. His speech and voice was different. It seemed like he was fulfilling a fantasy.
 

Breathe

Learning
Were you fingered or groped bc you only made the comment that you were spanked, not only by this male babysitter, but by your parents? You didn't elude that any sexual groping content happened only than what you perceive as sexual. Perhaps you said, but how old were you?

Here is the thing that has been hard for me to realize. I have an adult perspective and a child perspective of the things that happened when I was a kid. I can tell you after several years of therapy that I have a better timeline and framework of what happened now that I have been able to work on some stories. As a for instance, my dad hit my mom and she fell and it somewhat knocked her out. In my child mind, this took 3 days to play out and it felt like hours and hours of this horrific scene. In my adult mind, I realize it was actually about a 5 minute fight resulting in him shoving her and her falling and hitting her head where she likely laid there for a minute or two and got up. When I can look at this through my adult mind, I tend to make it less catastrophic in comparison to when I think of this through my child mind and all I see is my mom laying there unresponsive and it feels like she is dead. Perspective is everything and the only way you can gain that is to get in to therapy and work on it.
I think the reason why you are getting push back about your story is that there are some of us that can see this as a very immature perspective. Be clear!!! I AM NOT CALLING YOU IMMATURE! Your perspective is immature which is not uncommon when traumatic events Andy memories come in to play BUT you aren't doing yourself any favor by allowing that child like perspective to become the pervasive rhetoric in your head. STOP! Get a therapist, get some help sorting it out, work at it bc what you are doing here is nothing short of self destruction. Maybe it was sexual? Maybe this wasn't sexual but you will find something else was. Maybe it has NOTHING to do with being spanked and everything to do with something else. I don't know, but I can tell you that there is more than just being spanked here. Good luck.
He did not grope me per se. He held my body against his lap a certain way and made me reposition. I was 3-4 years old when this happened. During the actual 'spanking' he hit me VERY hard. For an excessive amount of time. It was not just an embarrassing spanking where I cried because I was being disciplined. He beat me too hard to even describe to you. I didn't even know something could have physically been that painful at that time in my life. Like when he landed the first strike I instantly started screaming and crying BECAUSE OF THE PHYSICAL PAIN. And he ritualized it by making a reason to do it, by taking me out back, by using the language he did like "I'm going to have to spank you now." I'm not exaggerating the incident.
 

siniang

MyPTSD Pro
My advice to you @Breathe: Go seek professional help and read here in the forums, particularly the trauma diaries.

I may be wrong and I don't mean to minimize or invalidate you, but I too see a lot of inconsistencies and extremely detailed descriptions (interpretations?) that are not usually within the scope of a 3-4 year old. (e.g. how does a 3-4 year old know what a "sexual tone" is?).

Yes, there is the potential you're projecting and overinterpreting. There is also the chance you're not. A therapist/psychiatrist can help you figure this out.
 

Cypress

Confident
I think it was brave of you to tell your parents what happened and a testament to the trust you must have had in them during that time. While you don't think your parents responded appropriately, the most important thing is they believed you and they took action by firing the babysitter. This is significant. You have also discussed this in family therapy with your parents and they were supportive. This is all positive.

I think for many of us on this forum telling parents would never have happened because it either would have resulted in more abuse, being ignored or blamed or the parents were the abusers themselves.

A technical question though, if you were 3-4, a parent would have still helped you with dressing and bathing. The type of beating you describe would likely have left some bruising and/or red hand marks. Did your parents notice that?
 

Gs172003

MyPTSD Pro
He did not grope me per se. He held my body against his lap a certain way and made me reposition. I was 3-4 years old when this happened. During the actual 'spanking' he hit me VERY hard. For an excessive amount of time. It was not just an embarrassing spanking where I cried because I was being disciplined. He beat me too hard to even describe to you. I didn't even know something could have physically been that painful at that time in my life. Like when he landed the first strike I instantly started screaming and crying BECAUSE OF THE PHYSICAL PAIN. And he ritualized it by making a reason to do it, by taking me out back, by using the language he did like "I'm going to have to spank you now." I'm not exaggerating the incident.
At 3-4 years old, if you aren't used to being spanked, ANY spanking could have felt more painful than it actually was. Also at 3-4 years old concept of time is off so two minutes could feel like twenty. Keep all that in mind.
 
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