Childhood Childish

[Teasel]

Just want to thank everyone who's posted in this thread. And for some reason I immediately feel stupid for this.
Have recently had a 12 yr old part of me come to the forefront and run my life for several weeks.
She is devastated.
There wasn't a single person who had a kind word for her for years.
Except for one neighbour who saw how unhappy & neglected I was and was still nice to me anyway.
But she I think let my mum know this and my Mum was outraged and stopped é seeing Her.
Lately I lost 2 stone because I feared I had diabetes. That's amaxing isn't it? Except every time I've been vaguely slim I've been rasped or assaulted.
So anyway the last couple weeks I've been utterly out of control.
Stopped almost all of the good self care habits I had picked up
Been compulsively eating, not just sugar which obviously is terrible
But also the things I am allergic to and things that trigger migraines.
And drinking and taking drugs (not all the time but needing to do that at all is a problem isn't it) and sleeping most of the time.
Been terrified of going out or seeing ppl

 

[Teasel]

I am sorry to hijack your thread @WildMermaid i understand v much your little coming out and staying out and how difficult that is.
Seems to me lately I've had more compassion for her than I ever used to have - do you think that's related - maybe why she feels safe to be?
X

 

[WildMermaid]

@Berlinda I do think compassion is what those "little souls" (whether 5 or 13) really need. The more we can become aware of them as the survivors the more likely they can become part of us again. Never a need to apologize :hug: this is Our thread, and I'm grateful for it. :) Even though behaviors have gone a bit into possibly dangerous territory do you feel you'll benefit from having her in your life? What does she need to feel safe? :hug:

 

[Born to Run]

@WildMermaid To come back on the colouring books, I read this news item yesterday :) :D :happy:

http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_eye/...t_secret_garden_addictive_coloring_books.html

Adulthood seems to be having a regressive moment. There’s preschool for adults in Brooklyn. And the Guardian reported on Sunday that half of the top sellers on Amazon’s U.K. site are coloring books for grown-ups.

 

[Born to Run]

@Berlinda I am sorry to hear about the state you are in. Are you seeing a therapist? I mean this is a lot to handle on your own. I would like to address your devastated 12 year old and tell her that she is no longer alone in her pain, and has you as an adult to take care of her, although that seems difficult to manage for you at the moment. That she will be heard and does not need to cause you such discomfort to get attention. That she is safe now, and nothing will happen to her anymore. I think indeed that now you have shown her more compassion that she is more comfortable showing herself.

 

[WildMermaid]

@Born to Run with this current upswing in trying to regain a sense of childlike wonder and creativity I have to wonder how we as a culture are responsible. My rascal (9 year old) hurt himself on Saturday so on a whim we printed out coloring pages, got out the colored pencils, and watched Phantom of the Opera and a sci fi show (Alphas). We spent most of the day just being silly and talking. They are refreshed truly! This week the Rascal has testing most of the week but I think we'll find a little time for coloring. The 14 year old asked for a box of 96 crayons and maybe a coloring book, and though she was sheepish she was sincere. I'll pick those up later today. :) I did not know that the "child" within my children was not being nourished, but I do now.

 

[Teasel]

Thank you both for your lovely posts :) When I read them the thought went through my mind straight away how incredibly kind they are!
And then re reading the topic I realised ok actually a few people have been talking about this, and in your original post you were asking people about their experiences.
So actually maybe it wasn't awful for me to post.
I was so "in" the feeling of being bad - think it's her default position, feels a bit odd to realise how down on myself I was feeling.
She felt your compassion, thanks for that it feels good.

Am in therapy yes thanks.

Do I think I'll gain for having her in my life? Yes, actually I've no doubt. Things are really difficult at the moment and I'm not sure what to make of it exactly but I'm so glad I've the therapy to help me, and I've found reading on this forum has helped lots to help me see that it isn't true - that I'm really not the awful person they said I was.

Am sure I've plenty to learn to be able to look after her, maybe for now it's just good that she can be here.

Been feeling lots of anger at all the people who weren't there for me...

Thanks both :)

 

[mytai]

Just got an email from T. She cancelled our appointment that's in 2 hours. Little is losing it inside. I'm upset as adult me, but I get that T isn't feeling well and she doesn't have a habit of doing this. But Little is pushing me and I still have another 1.5hr at work before I can go home. Just on break. Trying to not let Little take control, trying not to cry.

 

[Born to Run]

@mytai Oh no!! This is so awful for you :( I am so sorry. Could she give a new appointment for this week? Take care so much :hug::hug:

@WildMermaid I liked reading your post. You are right, in a way it is so stupid that from a certain age it seems that colouring is regarded as childish. On the other hand if half of the Amazon UK top selling books are colouring books for adults, maybe things are changing. It is great that you could go seamlessly from this thread to your own children :hug:

 

[Born to Run]

@Berlinda I am glad we could offer you some loving kindness today :hug: I think you are a very kind person; I was impressed by your posts a few days ago with this intro of this 14 year old girl new to the forum. You found such a good language to talk to her, and totally connecting.
It was absolutely not awful for you to post here today, it is good you did :) and keep doing it :D

 

[mytai]

@Born to Run she said we needed to book another time but she didn't respond to my email back asking when. If she's sick then she might not respond tonight. Trying to tell Little that. But Little is getting more upset. Thankfully I just finished work. So I can go home. Hopefully Little behaves.

 

[WildMermaid]

@Born to Run oh my gosh I forgot half of the reason I was posting earlier >.< ... Thank you so much for sharing the links, they really got me thinking! The adult preschool thing is so alien to me, but then I never went to school before 1st grade (then went to five that year). At the same time we made crafts at home pine needle and raffia baskets, hand blown egg ornaments, my mom could embroider beautifully (me never so much). I realized though that my actual childhood was vile but we made really cool things. In a way it made me appreciate my mothers memory a bit more. <3
As for the kiddos, they know the bare bones of what I survived and why I have PTSD, and they also know in some ways now I'm the kid I couldn't be then. We had a conversation today about what comforts them, what helps bring their childlike natures out, and it was wonderful! So thank you for posting the links and such it really meant a lot!