Chilli And Chilli - Having A Bad Day

[Redheaded Stranger]

Gosh, that felt really good! I think I've been holding that in for awhile.

I'm prepared to be lambasted now. But just for a second, it feels really good to have gotten that out.

Night all.

Red

 

[Jimmy1]

Nah, I needed that I supposed. I just went to see the head of the PTSD unit who I know well.
My numbness wall has gone up again. I just want you to remember this Red and listen real good.
The primal nature of all humans is 'Fight' or 'Flight'. We the veterans have done too much fighting in our lives already and now its way easier to take 'Flight' and leave. We believe there will be less impact on everyone.
Just giving it from our perspective. Unless of course you want the 200% raw fighting anger and emotion coming out, we just shrivel down into our emotional shell where we are safe.

Anyway, from what it sounds like, the teenage daughter has undiagnosed bi-polar or similar. She has been going to a psych for two years and all they talk about is shit and collect Margarets money. Now she is with a new psych that I found through the unit. The teenager 'S' does not even remember when she goes off. It sounds like undiagnosed PTSD to me yet the illnesses are very close.
Anyway 'S' has given permission for me to mention her symptoms to her psych. Now he will be able to address the long overdue issues and help her.

Life is just so f*cked up sometimes. Its Xanax time.

 

[brodes]

Just got more shit news today,another mate riddled with the devil dancer,shit he is only 40 ,WTF , this year just seems to get better & better, NOT. So f*ckin mad at the moment, two beautiful kids a beautiful wife, i just don't friggin get it, thats 4 funerals to date this year. Feel like curling up in to a ball, & not leavin the house ,that way no more bad news. Just venting........................

 

[wife of]

Matt,I'm sorry to hear that.
Jimmy,red has it spot on,teenagers with or without any mental health problems are right sneaky little gits,they mind f**k you at every opportunity,you leave....she wins...and continues to treat her mom like crap...you need to make sure that you speak to margaret about this and agree to be a team united in the face of all the crap that ANY of your combined troop of teenagers throws at you,teens are so good at divide and rule.....even when they are with both of thier own parents they try this.....dont let the beggars win,you've done the flight bit in the past that has led to unhappy times,give yourself a shot at fighting for this woman,work with her to tame the kids and she will be well impressed...Sue.

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Matt, I am really sorry to hear about your friend.

Jimmy, I do understand about Fight or Flight. But it seems that sometimes the PTSD Veterans are running away from not only the bad things in life, but also the good things, meaning the ladies who love you. I meant no disrespect, but if I could just get one Veteran to realize how deeply their harpy loves them, then it is worth it. We don't want to fight WITH you, we want to fight FOR you and FOR us, and the chance to love you. It would be nice not to have to fight that battle alone.

Again, much love and respect to all Veterans and harpies.

Red

 

[Fargo1]

Jimmy,

Mate, you are in for the Trifecta of poo right now! Your stress levels are higher than normal (which is very high to start) because of your recent surgery. You have not one, but two teenagers in angst (Definition used here: In English angst is used to describe an intense feeling of apprehension, anxiety or inner turmoil). And you have just moved in with a woman and realizing that she and her other relationships are not perfect (not fun in the best of times!).

I am not an expert in child rearing, but here is what I do know for what it is worth to you:

1. You and Margaret are beginning a life together (how great is that?) But the kids are feeling weird about it. Regardless of what is really going on, it feels like they are losing contact with ex-husband(Dad)/ex-wife(Mom).
2. Teenagers are experiencing large fluctuations in hormonal levels. This leads them to fluctuate between extreme highs and dark brooding lows.
3. The teenagers are also being faced with more adult choices, challenges and responsibilities that they don't yet know how to deal with. Enhancing the above mentioned hormonal disruption.
4. The teenagers both want their independence and want Mommy and Daddy to protect and provide for them. However, when you give them their independence they want protection; when you protect them, they want their independence.
5. Teenagers need lots of time alone, but they also still need plenty of adult supervision and structure to make them feel safe. They will rebel against any rules placed on them as they are still "Testing" the limits of their freedom and your caring of them. Adults need to be consistent when it comes to how they deal with teens. They need to enforce penalties for breaking the rules (most parents I know don't do this) and they need to consistently show their love and caring. If either of these breaks down, you have big problems with feelings of not being loved, and feelings of the intrinsic un-fairness of the world.

Now how I was taught to deal with the situation (By my loving mother):

1. Keep lines of communication open between you and the teenager. Talk to them frequently, talk to their friends. Let them know that you are always available to talk with them on any subject. Make sure that you are actively listening when they actually speak (try to hear what they are actually saying, not what you want to hear). Repeat back what you think they said to clarify the meaning. Finally, even if you don't agree with what they have said, acknowledge their feelings and express your opposing feelings without accusing them of being wrong.
2. Stay calm, but let them know that you are in control and can handle their angsty moods. (This is going to be really rough on you as you are currently wanting to explode, explode, explode!).
3. Don't take their moods personally. Remember that like your PTSD, the teenagers mood is not against you personally, it is a perfectly natural phase in life (as frustrating as it is for those who have already lived it).

As I was thinking about this, I had was gobsmacked by the similarities between teen angst and PTSD. How messed up is that!?
My advise is to talk with Margaret about the situation and:

1. The two of you come up with the rules of the house AND the repercussions of failing to uphold those rules. These rules absolutely have to be applied equally to all in the house, both sets of kids and you two adults.
2. Have family meals at the dinner table as often as possible. It "forces" the family to spend time together and interact with each other.
3. Whoever cooks, does not clean. The rest of the family cleans, together. This way, none of the kids feel like they are being punished by being the only one cleaning up. If they need to blow off some steam by having a water-fight or some such, let them! But make them clean it up afterwards. Also realize that there is going to be resistance to these new rules from all. Things have not been like this ever in their lives, it is going to take time to sink in. Unless you want to run them through Boot Camp (an we all know what that was like).

Now for the reality... You are messed up right now, you are having a breakdown of your own. This is going to be VERY difficult for you. When the kids talk back, you are going to go from 0-11. Try to keep a hold of that. I have not been able to practice what I am preaching. But it is the ideal to try to achieve. And this is where the clear lines of communication comes in. When you have a breakdown, you have to be able to talk the the kids about it. Let them know that you are human, just like they are. When they have a breakdown, they have to be able to talk to you about it. And be taught what it means to be human, just like you are.

Whew, I seem to get into long posts. So I will sign off for now.

 

[wife of]

Fargo,I think we share a mother,all that advice is spot on especialy the bit about repeating thier words back to them,I also keep a calender and make mine write down what time they will be and what jobs they have agreed to do etc on it so nothing can be disputed,any allowance is granted upon fulfilment of chores and time keeping etc as well as being civil etc,Might be worth telling the kids that no one expects them to be in each others pockets and you wont force them to have a sibling type relationship but they are both old enough to treat each other civilay as housemates....and remember to try and make some Jimmy and Margaret time!

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Jimmy,
Do keep communicating, however difficult it may be, please don't run away.
As you know, my darling hubby did that 18 months ago now. He's recently found things getting too much so he told me he needed a break. We managed to talk about it, I understand his need for respite so helped him booked himself into a hotel for a week in 2 weeks time. I'm really proud of him as I know telling me what he needs couldn't have been easy.

Be kind with yourself and Margaret. You're probably not going to like hearing this but you are a good man, and you deserve and can have a better future together.
Rooting for ya!
RG x

 

[Jimmy1]

I cannot answer you all, but I will say that major inroads have taken place.

By chance, S's psych rang me yesterday to talk about my boy. She has had an undiagnosed problem for the last couple of years. To me it radiates 'Bi-Polar'. so if you can imagine an untreated teenage girl with bipolar v a veteran with PTSD. Like Chlorine and Brake Fluid.
The reason S is undiagnosed is that she has no memory of her outbursts and Margaret draws a blank too when asked. Anyway, I asked S yesterday and she wants me to talk to the psych and give my point of view. He wants to see me early next week.

S does not want to come between us either and called me a coward for wanting to run away.

So to answer your question 'Red' as to why we even run from the good things, is that we have no avenue of escape.
Think about it. I am so used to running. The military changes our unit every three years or so and its a new start each time. Leases run out on houses if you are a renter. Here I had no option. I am still getting used to it being 'OUR' house and not Margaret's house. I still feel like the intruder, so I was taking my boy to protect him and going. I knew that Margaret would be hurt, but come on.

When we are in an environment we cannot control it is uncomfortable and we don't adapt well. i.e. uncontrollable teenagers. We need to be a place that is safe for us psychologically.

Don't worry all of you, and thanks for all the kind words. I am not a quitter, but I had no options yesterday, however, today I do.

Jimmy

 

[Fargo1]

S does not want to come between us either and called me a coward for wanting to run away.

This is awesome new mate! However, it seems she needs to learn the definition of coward. You have proven that you are not a coward. But you are overwhelmed right now, and have little to no outlet for those feelings. Sometimes it is much better to "Live today, to live to fight another day".

The good news is that she sees the problem. The two of you have communicated. Now something can be done about it. It won't be easy for either of you. But as you have stayed, maybe she will see that you care and learn a valuable lessen for her life. She has also reached out to you regarding her mental issues and you have stepped up and shown her that you care. I think that talking to her psych is a great first step. Perhaps she will also come to know that you are one of the few people in her life that cares about her. And really mate, your are a rare one indeed. Who better to have in her life? Keep it up. It will be good for the both of you.

So to answer your question 'Red' as to why we even run from the good things, is that we have no avenue of escape.
Think about it. I am so used to running. The military changes our unit every three years or so and its a new start each time. Leases run out on houses if you are a renter. Here I had no option. I am still getting used to it being 'OUR' house and not Margaret's house. I still feel like the intruder, so I was taking my boy to protect him and going. I knew that Margaret would be hurt, but come on.

Whew, that trifecta again. That is quite a heavy load you have there. So here is something my Drill Instructor said to me one day, "Don't sweat the load. Just carry it!" He had quite a different reason for saying it to me, than I do for saying it to Jimmy. You are in the shit right now and also listening to the voices in your head. You are resisting just sitting and healing yourself (because of who you are and who you have been in your life). So those voices are carrying a bit of weight. Your stress cup is full and getting fuller all the time. But, as the old Persian poets said "This too shall pass."

Keep on venting and I will keep on writing sagas!

Fargo

 

[ByYourSide]

I read in another one of your threads that your son is content with his new environment, and that you all have spoken about it.
Just a thought -- has this teenage girl been asked how she feels about the new 'family' situation? Has she always been rude to her mom or just more recently?
I kinda feel like she's testing to see if you WILL run. I don't know anything of her history but I could see if there have been men around before that leave-- she's testing her boundaries and testing your limits. Its like a gauntlet. By calling you a 'coward' it seems She doesn't want you to go - but maybe she's just use to that happening?
I'm just tossing out those questions , no need for answers.

Thats a complete opinion from a child of divorce. And I'm sure her age/possible mental state has a lot to do with it. I was just going to throw out that idea.

And I could be completely incorrect and just talking. Heh :)

 

[ByYourSide]

And I just realized that I skipped a lot of pages. The iPhone app is hard to navigate. Soooo if any of my things have already been addressed please ignore me.



...I'll be over here. *scoots towards the wall*