Chilli And Chilli - Having A Bad Day

[Fargo1]

A couple was married, following the wedding, the husband started laying down his "rules" to his new wife. "I'll be home when I want and I don't expect any hassle from you." He insisted. "Also, unless I tell you otherwise, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening."

The wife nodded her head.

"I will go hunting, fishing, drinking with my buddies and play poker whenever I want. Those are my rules." He said, "Any questions?"

His new bride looked at him, "No, no questions." She said, "But, just so were are clear, there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

 

[Fargo1]

Three men showed up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks at them with his blissful look. "Welcome gentlemen," he said. Before you enter Heaven, I need to get my books straight, if you could tell me how you died." he said opening his big book.

The first man walks up, "It was awful, I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we lived on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his fingers. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I ran into the kitchen and pushed the refrigerator out to the balcony and over the railing. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack and I died, not even knowing if I had killed him."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

The second man walked up, "Well, sir, it was awful. I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment, when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the railing. I managed to grab the edge of the balcony below, but this maniac comes out and starts pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily when I fell, I landed in some bushes. But this maniac pushed his refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him in and thought, "Just when you think you've heard it all."

The third man walks up, "Tell me how you died, sir."

"Okay, picture this, I'm naked and hiding in a refrigerator..."

 

[Fargo1]

Someone stop me!

 

[Fargo1]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."


Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."


Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."


By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."


Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

 

[Steph_F]

Haha! Loved them all!! Haha!

 

[Fargo1]

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!'

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.

'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.

'Pockets!' said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

 

[Jimmy1]

Hey all cool, thanks for the laugh, but we don't want to piss Anthony off by putting Jokes in the Anger section.

Jimmy

 

[Fargo1]

Ooops, sorry I was not paying attention while vomiting jokes... I will take it to the Bar next time.

 

[Steph_F]

You posted jokes in the Anger section? Haha! I wasn't paying attention as I was laughing along either. Oops, I mean damn it man! You posted jokes in the Anger section? Augh! Grrr! ;-)

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Someone stop me!

Fargo, You totally crack me up! Funny posts and well timed.

Jimmy, we threw them back into the Jokes thread for you. You asked for humor and, while I'm not sure they all qualify, we sure sent a lot of posts out just for you!