Close Friend Revealed My Abuse To My Co-Workers

[Frankie]

Hi Manic,

So sorry this had to happen to you....You opened up to your friend trusting that he would keep it all to himself. Maybe he shared with others out of compassion ? .....Even so, it wasn't his "story" to tell.

Don't let one betrayal stop you from trusting others, Manic...keep on sharing with those few that have not betrayed your trust.

Hold your head up and don't be afraid or ashamed to face your coworkers......Show your strenght and courage :) Show them that no matter what has happened in your life...you are carrying on.

You will notice that many of your coworkers will feel compassion and will try to support you, but don't have to say anything more about it, if you don't want.

You have had many good replies Manic...many people here care :)

I can't explain who to trust or not....for me, it is often an instinct I have with people. I have sometimes shared a lot with some I have just met.....with some, it took a very long time....and with some others, I don't share anything personal at all. It is a feeling I get when I talk to someone, how they make me feel.

Hugs.....Frankie

 

[a3a2]

Manic,

I am so sorry. But you have done nothing wrong, and you have nothing of which to be ashamed.

Minic, look at the statistics. There are a lot of people suffering out there, from one kind of abuse or another. I wonder if this may make suffering people more apt to reach out to you for help, because they will know you understand. And more apt to reach out to you with understanding. I hope that this is the case.

I am still very sorry about the betrayal you must be feeling. It wasn't his story to tell.

 

[blackemerald1]

Manic I am sorry this has happened to you, I agree with the other members of the forum. I understand your pain very much as something very similar happened to me except it came down from management to my co-workers.

There's a saying from British propoganda during World War II, "Loose lips sink ships" - (I think self-explanatory) - I live by that rule now. I tell no one. There was a time when I tried to tell people whom I thought were friends, but 'juicy' gossip and lack of understanding of the damage that happens when people have no idea what PTSD is, much less how I got it, well it just must have been too tempting to not keep their mouths shut. But I cannot understand, least of all give you advice as to how to handle your friend, except to ask him why he did what he did.

In my experience eventually, the information infiltrated the whole organisation and my PTSD prevented me from continuing work though I tried so hard. You know it wasn't so much that people were cruel or said nasty things. It was just that all the dynamics changed. I was their Senior, I said nothing about it, but I could see in their eyes things like questions...one second away from asking me something that I had no inclination to discuss with them. I could see them being resentful of my position over them, a position I had earned despite my PTSD that nobody knew about - until someone from above revealed confidential workplace information about me.

Whereas before my co-workers behaved normally and did their jobs and came to me with work issues; they started challenging my decisions... after all I had this "mental disorder" and maybe I could not be trusted or believed, did they have to do as I requested...anymore??? Then out of the blue management decided to move me without consultation. An arbitary decision to a workplace where the pressure and workload was considerably higher. Everyone there knew too. I had no fight left in me.

I cried on the way to work, I sat in the toilets, secretly and quietly crying and washing my eyes. Locked my office and cried and cried. I had to start taking more and more medications, more appointments with the doctors trying to stem the resurgence of symptoms.

I stupidly started working even more hours mostly on weekends and till late at night to try and concentrate on something else. But, the whole situation and a huge part of my life distorted and crumbled. Basically I just was not strong enough. It was either stop work or hospital. I had to stop work and I had done nothing wrong.

I am sorry - I have vented out my experience when I should have been giving respect to you, and being more mindful of what happened to you. I am so sorry, I guess my excuse is just that I have nobody I know who has PTSD and, when I read what happened to you, it reminded me of my experience and the fall out. It's been hard and I have not worked for almost 3 years now. Everything to do with my PTSD came craahing back and I also lost that wonderful sense of self-esteem of going to work.

It all sucks, I hope you can endure and survive and triumph despite this terrible unexpected event. I am very new to the forum so I haven't read a lot about you. I suppose everyone is different but, if you can, don't waver, don't let it get to you like it did me. Don't do what I did, well that's obvious but easier said than done and I failed miserably.

I don't know any good advice because my PTSD symptoms became so bad again.. But, I guess if you can, walk in to your work place just the way you always did. Work the way you always did and treat yourself very well. It should become 'old news' - oh I hope it does for you. Remember people in their ignorance can be such idiots and just because they think they 'know' doesn't mean they really do.

Nor do you need to justify yourself in any way or, at any time. Work is work and if anyone approaches you in an unprofessional way in respect to this, keep your dignity and maybe ask them why they need to know. I am sure most people will back down if they don't get any more information to gossip about.
I hope it works out for you,
Go well
Regards blackemerald1

 

[Manic11]

I can't thank everyone enough for all your support. You all have helped lift me up after he pushed me down.
I feel better having so much support!

He called me last night to apologize. The conversation did not go so well. He wanted to explain so I listened to the explanation.
He said that I was upset that day at work and others were worried so he was speaking to a couple of co-workers about what could be wrong. He told them that I could be upset because I have PTSD from this abuse. Then went on to say that maybe I was dissociating and explained to them what that is. Then went on to tell them that I had tried to kill myself the night before. (This was several months ago when I attempted).
He said he was very sorry but he understands if I don't forgive him.
I was glad he understood I can't forgive him at least but I explained to him that he had no excuse not to tell me about this conversation or to talk to people about me behind my back.
Anyway, the conversation ended with me telling him that we cannot be friends, at least for a while, but I hope that he can still maintain a professional behavior at work. We are still co-workers and we are not to bring personal issues into the work place.
He agreed to that and apologized one more time.

I saw him this morning at work, we did not speak, we did not look at each other. However, when I needed his assistance he was right there to help with the job at hand. Once done, he was back to his other tasks.
I'm happy that he handled things professionally and listened to what I asked of him.

Now just to handle the odd looks from everyone else...
If its not an odd look its "Aw, Can I give you a hug?"
:naughty: Please don't pity me...

Manic

 

[Grama-Herc]

I am so impress on how this issue was handled by both of you. Your friend is indeed a friend, otherwise the discussion and the professional manner in which he handled himself at work would not have gone so well.

But the trust and closeness is gone. Hopefully, someday, the 2 of you can repair the damage but for now IMHO, things are going very well and you should be proud of the class and strength you have shown

 

[a3a2]

Manic, I agree with Herc, you handled this well. I love the open discussion you had with him. I do want to point out that if we shut out everyone who ever makes a mistake, well, there won't be anybody left.

As some of you know, my husband suffers from a severe and debilitating chronic illness. For a long time we were trying to hide it from everyone. Since he is in a very public role, this was difficult. We finally got to the point where it was just too isolating. We went public with his struggle. And, for the most part, I went public with my PTSD, too (except for my family, but they will likely find out sometime). I gotta tell ya, it made life easier, and people were wonderfully understanding and respectful. And, people felt free to share their trials with us.

I can't say that will always be the case, but for us, it was freeing.

 

[Marine0311]

Screw them all and who cares! Really if you do care, that may be a sign of improvement or help going right. I could care less who knows or what peeps think. Live in my shoes and they would piss their pants.

 

[midi]

When I was in high school, one of my friends that were being sexually abused by their fathers confided in me. I wanted it to stop, so I talked to her aunt about it - BIG MISTAKE - she never spoke to me again. I screwed up royally.

I don't know why your coworker broke your confidence, but all you can do is stay strong.