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General Codependency and codependent tendencies - exploring and overcoming them

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I've been reading Heller's Developmental Healing too, and I'm finding it helpful for him to describe what it's like to not be simply trying to survive and protect oneself against threats. He was asking the reader to imagine how she would feel if she heard an intruder in the house. How do you react? You freeze and become frightened, and you scan the environment for signs of the threat. Once you realize that there is no intruder, and that it was just a cat, you can relax and go on with your evening. One way or another, you get the tension resolved. But for those of us whose whole childhood is feeling threatened all the time, everyday, there is never any reprieve, there is just a constant life-force draining series of stressful moment after another. It makes a person want to bunker down, hide, protect, stiffen up, freeze, avoid, lash out, be hypervigilant, etc. It makes me so sad just to think about it.

But I also got something I really needed from reading - he wrote that people who aren't traumatized act like a kitten or a child who is curious, wants to explore, and be overflowing with life energy. It helps me to understand this as alternative because part of being raised by neanderthals (no offense to these highly intelligent, social creatures), is that my parents totally just used me and didn't teach me about life. So not only do I have these ptsd symptoms, but I had a lot of gaps in my life skills that needed to be filled because no one modeled for me how to be a decent, kind person, or ever talked to me about problem-solving or strategizing how to deal with uncomfortable situations. I often didn't even know what or how to do anything other than be suspicious and insecure.

So I'm working on 1. what do I even need or want? 2. Letting myself feel curious and open (usually, I expect people to hurt me in some way as I walk around - store owners trying to short-change me; men trying to assault me, etc., etc.)
 
I've been reading Heller's Developmental Healing too, and I'm finding it helpful for him to describe what it's like to not be simply trying to survive and protect oneself against threats. He was asking the reader to imagine how she would feel if she heard an intruder in the house. How do you react? You freeze and become frightened, and you scan the environment for signs of the threat. Once you realize that there is no intruder, and that it was just a cat, you can relax and go on with your evening. One way or another, you get the tension resolved. But for those of us whose whole childhood is feeling threatened all the time, everyday, there is never any reprieve, there is just a constant life-force draining series of stressful moment after another. It makes a person want to bunker down, hide, protect, stiffen up, freeze, avoid, lash out, be hypervigilant, etc. It makes me so sad just to think about it.
Thanks for this @PreciousChild ! That's described really well.

So not only do I have these ptsd symptoms, but I had a lot of gaps in my life skills that needed to be filled because no one modeled for me how to be a decent, kind person, or ever talked to me about problem-solving or strategizing how to deal with uncomfortable situations.
Yeah, I have a lot of modelling gaps too. Often, I actually think about how an animal would react, because I know more healthy-normal-sane animals than I know healthy-normal-sane people!!!! ??????????? Most people are just too neurotic or insecure or f*cked up in other ways... With things like parenting/ looking after kids, I usually think "How would a healthy, well-adjusted dog mum treat her puppies?"
I love that, because a healthy and normal dog mum is caring and pragmatic, but also does noooo "codependent" stuff and doesn't hyper-smother her puppies... :laugh: A normal dog mum is soooo grateful for a break, when puppies are in safety and just being normal puppy stoopid... :p
So for me that is super modelling cos I see the normal, healthy, warm, caring stuff there, plus also the relaxed, pragmatic, keeping-things-in-perspective stuff. :inlove:

Hey, I've got a dysregulation thread re (ex)partners... if you have any time and thoughts, I'd love to hear them! I love how insightfully you describe and respond to stuff :hug:

How to deal with dysregulation in a relationship?

Grateful for anyone else's input too of course, but too shy to ask!! :bag:
 
I wanted to post an update on my work on codependency. I took a suggestion from @shimmerz in another thread, and have been doing stuff with the explicit thought-intention of it is "for me", like even something as simple as having something I want for lunch or taking a shower. I've been reading and reflecting on books and stuff too, so it might be part of a broader progress. But I really feel that this simple daily habit of intentfully meeting my own needs is helping me be okay with attending to my needs at all, like a form of desensitization.

I think what it's doing is enabling me to focus on myself which also makes me less focused on the external whatevers (I'm often hyper-focused on other people's validation, other people's needs so that I can anticipate them, other people's judgements and disapproval, etc.)

By focusing on myself, I'm also letting people be. In Healing Developmental Trauma, Heller talks about how physical and energetic boundaries are violated when we're abused as kids. I think focusing on others instead of myself is a part of that violation of boundaries. Just to survive my childhood, I had to focus on my parents' needs. I buried mine way down until I couldn't even access them anymore. I was severely depersonalized and depressed in college. I almost feel like just by me feeling my needs was a trigger because that would have lead to catastrophic consequences (my dad was quite sadistic in his punishments). So having tread on my true needs and self, I treat other people's wishes and needs and problems as though they were my own. But of course, it's a total mind game trying to guess what other people think, need, and want, which causes anxiety. But focusing on yourself is simple and easy because I kind of know exactly what it is that I want and can control the actions it takes to get it. Wow, if only I had just been allowed to do that in the first place.
 
That's great @PreciousChild :)

Yeah, I'm getting similar results... I'm finding that just by being more mindful about co-dependent tendencies, they're resolving quite easily.

When I can feel that I'm in potentially co-dependent territory, I just need a couple of moments to reflect "what is the dynamic here" and to choose the better, healthier, truly supportive, non-codependent option and it's fine...

I've found that by just bringing that bit of awareness to it, I'm reacting more maturely and more sensibly and not kinda on auto-pilot.
So much easier now to offer caring support, without getting entangled in a loopy dynamic.

Very thankful that you raised this issue and we started an insightful thread and discussion about it! :hug:

Looking forward to seeing your outgrow this stuff on your journey! :hug:
 
I'm glad you're making progress too, @Sophy. I agree that being mindful about codependent tendencies all by itself helps towards resolving it. Thanks for your insights that have helped me on my journey. I would do a hug emoji too, but it seems that my computer doesn't do emojis. I guess it's dissociative too. : )
 
I wanted to post an update on my work on codependency. I took a suggestion from @shimmerz in another thread, and have been doing stuff with the explicit thought-intention of it is "for me", like even something as simple as having something I want for lunch or taking a shower. I've been reading and reflecting on books and stuff too, so it might be part of a broader progress. But I really feel that this simple daily habit of intentfully meeting my own needs is helping me be okay with attending to my needs at all, like a form of desensitization.

I think what it's doing is enabling me to focus on myself which also makes me less focused on the external whatevers (I'm often hyper-focused on other people's validation, other people's needs so that I can anticipate them, other people's judgements and disapproval, etc.)

By focusing on myself, I'm also letting people be. In Healing Developmental Trauma, Heller talks about how physical and energetic boundaries are violated when we're abused as kids. I think focusing on others instead of myself is a part of that violation of boundaries. Just to survive my childhood, I had to focus on my parents' needs. I buried mine way down until I couldn't even access them anymore. I was severely depersonalized and depressed in college. I almost feel like just by me feeling my needs was a trigger because that would have lead to catastrophic consequences (my dad was quite sadistic in his punishments). So having tread on my true needs and self, I treat other people's wishes and needs and problems as though they were my own. But of course, it's a total mind game trying to guess what other people think, need, and want, which causes anxiety. But focusing on yourself is simple and easy because I kind of know exactly what it is that I want and can control the actions it takes to get it. Wow, if only I had just been allowed to do that in the first place.

Beautifully put. It's been hard for me to say these things myself. It takes some time and self-focus for sure. Thanks for helping me see for myself.
 
I'm glad you're making progress too, @Sophy. I agree that being mindful about codependent tendencies all by itself helps towards resolving it. Thanks for your insights that have helped me on my journey. I would do a hug emoji too, but it seems that my computer doesn't do emojis. I guess it's dissociative too. : )

You can make a hug emoji, it's just : then the word hug and another :
 
You can make a hug emoji, it's just : then the word hug and another :
Thanks, @mumstheword. :hug:

Beautifully put. It's been hard for me to say these things myself. It takes some time and self-focus for sure. Thanks for helping me see for myself
Thanks so much for that feedback @Pippi427. I wish you the best in attending to your own needs. Amazing how we can be trained to become so alienated from ourselves.
 
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